Next by Anonymous - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, YA - The truth about reality is revealed as the world comes to an end.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

You raised a lot of questions in this - is he dead or not, how does Janet know, why he's 40 when he moves at 10. And why there's a 20 year old Michael, why the young Michael came to tell Michael anything and what exactly he's trying to tell him...

But there are no answers to this. It like you ran out of pages. Except you didn't, you had two more pages to explain it all.
A lot of dialog feels wasted as it's a repetition of the "move" thought.
The script is not at all bad or anything though.

Was intrigued by the logline.

I think I agree with Khamanna here. Lots of questions are raised. I understood the part of the parallel universes and why there where different versions of Michael. However, I felt it needed to be a little deeper. Some sort of explanation to it. Doesn't have to be real obviously, but something we can entertain as a possibility.

I agree that it felt a little repetitive. Take a look at Michael's dialogue and I think you see what we mean.

Good effort for one week. Thanks for taking part.  :)

I agree with both Pia and Khamanna.  

I think you have an interesting story that raises lots of questions, but, with a high concept such as this, you need a payoff of some sort.  We never get that.

Not bad, hope you expand it.  Show the consequences of his actions in this world.

Dan

Not exactly the best logline, but still has intrigue.

not usually one to whine about "orphans" but 3 on the opening page bugs me.  Such an easy fix, and i realize writing isn't exactly about aesthetics, but it just looks so much better when there isn't a short word on its own line.

Maybe consider MICHAEL and YOUNG MICHAEL as the character names on a re-write, because I can already see this is gonna get confusing.

man, this script is an Orphanage.

is a "snub-nose handgun" a thing?

Too many questions, I'm confused at this point.  man oh man, this is like reading a game of pong.

I want to see more things happen, not just a long manic Q&A.

There's an interesting idea buried in there somewhere, but that was kinda exhausting to read.

Hi writer,

I got a sense of where this was going about mid script but, I’ll be honest, the entire thing was mainly dialog and I started to skim towards the end. ‘Mike and Michael’, it all got confusing after awhile, not to mention Michael’s banter didn’t really ring true re: the situation at hand… not for me at least.

I like the concept of lives existing in other ‘Parallels’. There are many people that now truly accept that as a fact, so, your concept here of Mike transporting Michael to another dimension of himself to survive is not that far fetched. I always believed that this world would simply vaporize in a cataclysmic event and, we would simply go on living in a parallel world just above or just below this perceived time and space… like closing your eyes and opening them again but, with new memories. So, yes, I like the story you have here because it makes me think about shit like that long after I’ve closed off the script.

Stories that make people think are always well conceived in my books. Best of luck.

I'll do my best to say something different here, but I wouldn't disagree with all the above statements. I think consciousness is a fascinating topic to build a story around, and that's what the whole idea of parallels and moving, right? It's not about lives ending or starting, but the same single stream of consciousness as it bounces around between its infinite counterparts in an endless universe. You never truly die, partly due to the laws of physics, energy can't be created or destroyed, and then a little bit due to the spiritual mystery of what is consciousness.

With that all said, I could be totally wrong, and that is not what you're trying to say at all. That's kind of my take on the matter. The problem is you have an easy to follow plot, with a very hard to understand backstory. I think behind that problem is you have an extremely well established idea about parallel universes that had to be explained by characters that didn't seem very developed. I think they kind of kill the execution you're going for here. That all said, I am one thousand percent positive you should take another whack at this script. It's an awesome idea, I really love it, just take more time to build the world you're using to explain it.

Dave F

Hey Writer, or Write, or Written, depends what parallel you're in,

It's very ambitious, and a clever angle to go at. Now, the problem is that the parallel world thing is revealed early, then dragged out over 9 or so pages with lots of shouty exposition. It really could have been halved in length with the same outcome, which is a shame because you've gone in with a great idea.

Writing was clear, couldn't spot any typos, pace kinda went at the same speed for the majority with little change.

There is something here, but I'm not convinced it's worked.

Cam

I liked what you were going for but it just kinda missed the mark. The little flashback could be removed and I don't think it would be missed. Perhaps instead of just repeating 'moved', Mike could drop additional hints to elude what/where the move is? I did like it though - good work.

A snub-nose is typically a revolver with a 2" barrel. Think Dick Tracy.

I've read a few theories that this story is based on and it's an intriguing concept. Unfortunately it is not developed well or expanded upon in this script. It's just one long conversation which raises lots of questions but does not deliver much in the way of answers. It's mainly tell instead of show and the telling becomes quite repetitive. We don't even know if he Moved at the end and how it happens.

-Mark

It was an interesting concept- I think it just failed on the execution. You had me until about the last third and then it started getting repetitive, with Mike and Michael just going back and forth over the same territory but not getting anywhere on the explanation.

A worthwhile effort that just needs some tweaking down the stretch.

Best of luck,
Gary

Very hokey right out of the gate and the dialogue exchange between the 2 Mike's doesn't ring remotely true.

No reason fro a CUT TO, and in reality, this is a Flashback that you didn't label as one.

"He'd riding..." - Huh?

Formatting is off with these CUT TO's.

Pretty much nothing but repetitive dialogue here and it's not working for me at all, nor do I get what the reason for any of this is.

Score - 1.5.

Hmm, interesting idea but for me it needed something more interesting to happen... as it is it's two people talking about parallel universes rather than showing us them...

Now, jumping from apocalypse to apocalypse might have been fun!

Decent effort but missed the mark for me.

Fun concepts, not a particularly exciting presentation. Some visuals would go a long way here.

What's lacking most, for me, is young Mike's motivation. I don't get any sense of emotional heft for him, and it seems like this should be important. What's his stake in this?

I think the ambiguity will work fine once we understand the characters. Currently we don't. I'm not sure why I should be invested in either of these two.

Writer,

Maybe I'm just tired, it's late. I'm sorry, but I just didn't get any of this. Too many quick yes and no answers, two characters with the same names... I got lost, writer. Sorry again.

Steve

At some beats it was hard to imagine where the characters are positioned within a room. Hence, the interactions aren't precisely enough presented.

Very dialogue driven throughout. In the second act, I didn't like the dialogue. In the last part, I liked a lot of it. It was much faster there and noticeable stuff was moving forward.

So, I perceived Mike as a deliverer (younger Michael version) who prepares Michael for the fact that this parallel existence of him, in the here and now, is going to be shut down, and stuff may or may not continue at another place - That is left open as I see it.

The parallel existence theme is quite intriguing. I just have no clue what the singular power is that decides about the lives, which is an interesting question to me. To serve an answer here, may better the script tremendously, I feel. And also, you might give a definite answer to what role Mike "exactly" fulfills?

It's not that I wish for a spiritual, sense-making explanation, rather I really wanna know if you have a creative take that describes how coincidence and this whole parallel existence work.

I liked the story pretty much, even despite the huge amount of dialogue that I originally refuse from the heart.

Again, also work on the interactions and make clearer: who is where and does what in the direction where he/she/it is. (<-great sentence, I know :-) )

This script can have a lot of relevance because it makes people think. The execution is already on its way. That whole multiverse, parallel stuff is up to date, as far as I see, and you can perfectly serve your version and sight for those who are interested. There's a definite audience. Not there yet but good work and foundation for one week. Keep at it.

Very on the nose dialogue straight off.

How many more times does he have to tell him to get out? either get out or get to the point lol
it's getting kinda repetitive

MICHAEL (CONT’D) What the hell is going on?   yeah I'm asking the same thing lol

Apocalypse happening outside while someone inside is explaining quantum leap to his parallel self or something...

The writing wasn't bad
The story not so good

good job on entering

Like a simple title. Like your logline.

Love the mystery in this. I'm very intrigued by the first flashback. Good job writer.

Ok... good writing ...barely any typos.

I think this was a great job. Love it.

Logline - intriguing but feels incomplete. Not sure who's story this is and what odds they face etc

Something in that I like. It's contained and has a simple aim, can the older mike be persuaded.

Names - confusing. I suggest old mike and younger mike. I got lost many times.

I think the stakes have to be clearer on both sides.and the tension needs to be played out, but with a re write and bit of focus, this could be a filmable project

All the best

Not sure about the title. Strong logline.

On one hand, your execution works; on the other, it needs fixing up.

As someone who grew up watching The Adventures of Pete & Pete, characters with the same name don't bother me.

I see you've got a Quantam Leap/Matrix/Inception thing going on here. I like it.

I would have cut out a bunch of dialogue and. It straight to "remember the accident?"

Overall, not bad, but just fix it up.

Parallel universes - a big concept to deliver on in a short; kudos for the effort.  I could follow to a point but the dialogue could do with a tidy.  Through the early stages Michael seemed to alternate between panic and calm - felt a bit like going round in circles.  The latter parts descended into a series of questions to the point I struggled to follow where we were going and why.  Almost felt a bit Hitchhiker’s Guide towards the very end.  

You started to lose me when Michael fired the gun.  Who was he shooting at?  Mike presumably, but there was no mention as to the effect - did he miss?  I don’t know if Mike’s flesh and bone or an apparition of some kind.  

The mystery is there but for me it remains that way.  Time jumps, parallel universes - all intriguing stuff but I just can’t follow this to a satisfying conclusion.  Could do with simplifying; not telegraphed, just stripped back to the essentials.

Next - Apocalypse, Drama, YA - The truth about reality is revealed as the world comes to an end.   

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Vague alert.  Way too vague on the plot details.


TITLE: Next

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 2

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.5