Earth's Final Moments - OWC

No, I don't get it.

That's nott\ to say this piece wasn't well written. Overall, it's lean and i have almost no fault with it. Almost.
See, while the scenes show people terrified of impending doom and others going about getting adventures off the bucket list, I didn't really connect to any of it.
Why not? No stand out characters. No speaking characters..

And the reveal of who or what the Narrator is, well, he's not much of a character either. if man has de-evolved (?) then how is it that the Narrator can speak well and use technology?

On second thought, i do get it. It's meant as a WTF moment.

Still, it is well written overall.

Writer,

Interesting story. Thought the narrator would've killed it for me but it didn't. Still, just not enough meat here to keep it going - there were no characters to engage with so I felt kind of detached from what was happening. Sort of like a bedtime story of sorts. Not bad, just not for me.

Steve

Hi writer,

Wow, truly prophetic. Curious thing, this illusion that imprisons humanity, if we would just let it go (the illusion) then, all would be well. Unfortunately, some believe that we wear our chains of illusion not as prisoners (humans are smart after all, and transcend beyond this world after loss of corporeal reality), but to protect us from going insane, and the system collapsing; consider the implications of this reality if you emphatically knew we lived in a closed system, meaning finite… many high level physicists have committed suicide after having that very truth revealed to them, it’s said.

Many physicists now hypothesize that we may very well be an experiment in ‘Simulated Realities’ but, the reason it works is because humans have given themselves over in a process of ‘Free Will’ to experience this 3rd dimensional reality. Of course, I’m just regurgitating shit I’ve read over the years obviously… trying to make sense of it all. I get the sense that your story, the ‘Reveal’ is humans no longer wanting to accept the programming, as in, we’re just sick and tired of all the lies that have infiltrated the simulation beyond what is necessary to make it work.

I really dig your idea of the reveal, the moon that is, as a leviathan machine to control the simulation from afar and, you did a good job portraying an apocalyptic event, so… kudos for a well thought out story.

Quite a few things, events, locations going on in this that were overwhelming at times but, I dig the writing… it flowed fast, neat, and easy. All the best.

Logline - big on dramatics but light on story, and who's it is

Ok, finished

I nominate this for probably the most expensive short script I've ever read :-)

It doesn't have mush conventional story, nd it is nothing new - i.e. The sense we lose our defences in the face of death - but I rather enjoyed it. Nicely written.

Probably going to be better than the average

G'day writer,

At the end of the world, in Melbourne, the cool change would probably reverse and scorch the hell out of the place, knowing the city as I do. And the possums and St Kilda backpackers would live happily ever after...

It's dramatic, I can hear the slow paced piano keys jangling underneath the whole thing, interlaced with searing violins. Seriously though, it's an interesting story, a rolling observation of how it could all pan out. But it just didn't keep me that entertained, unfortunately.

Observation, with no protagonist or set character attached, really is a tough one to pull off. There's some great ideas here, the resident aliens milking us dry, nice one, but I just wanted some conflict to go with it, even though I know that's not the point.

Anyway, well written, but it just didn't keep me entertained.

Cam

Expensive much? lol.

This one reminded me of the Impact 50 film project that's being produced at the moment. There's no central protagonist or antagonist, just a snapshot of 50 lives during those final moments in two minute segments.

It's experimental and bold, but as you can see from some of the comments, if you don't have these elements people may not take to it. Maybe bringing the Aboriginal in from the beginning may help? Then at least we can see the end through his eyes, although by the end you realise that has been the case all along.

There's a deep, sci fi backstory hinted at here. I feel that there's a lot more going on behind the scenes you can explore outside of this OWC.

-Mark

Title page isn't centered
Bottom margins on all pages are far too wide

Well…

All a bit weird in this script, although some stuff indeed moved me. I've always been open to such morally stories. I hope you keep your attitude and get some of your messages in shape. We can't have enough of it.

You haven't really left out one single mega set of planet earth, have you??? ;-) just kidding. I believe budget was not your point.

The story "felt" good. Thanks.

Title page not properly centered...hey, I understand...my software has issues doing this as well, so I have to spend some extra time on it.  Just doesn't look good to start this way, and for me, the title itself isn't remotely good.

I don't like the narrator stuff at all, and feel this is a cheap way out to explain things.  Also, big issue here - you say 6:15 PM, but understand there are lots and lots of 6:15 PM's around the world and they're all different times.  Let's see where we go...

"It's" is incorrect here.

"Glass tower blocks across the skyline reflect images of rockets launching all across the city." - I don't understand this line...at all.

Wow, lots of different exotic locales - reminds me of another script I just read, loaded with researched info...which I totally appreciate..but we don't have any characters here and this narrator is killing a good read.

Although writing is strong, there are some mistakes popping up. Same with Slugs - very well done for the most part and crazily unique and well thought out, but some inconsistencies - a classic one is using a British spelling "CENTRE", then showing us we're in the Bronx Zoo.

The ending - I like it.  I definitely like it.

So, this may be one of the most expensive shorts ever written, but you pulled it off.  You somehow pulled it off with no characters and a narrator feeding us info throughout.

You pulled it off and my hat's off to you on a job well done.  You went way outside the box, which I always appreciate, yet you held everything together with short, effective vignettes of life...and death.

And, most importantly, you left me with something I can visualize in my head very easily and will remember, most likely, forever.

Score - 4.5 - EASILY, the best so far, and most likely, the winner. Well done.

Very ambitious tale.  The writer went the epic route with this one.  Cool idea having the moon as this power station helping to control people and events down on Earth.

And a spin on the classic mole people trope as our underground overlords.

The narrator didn't bother me as much as it apparently did other readers.  The unfolding events were enough to hold my attention.

I did wonder how exactly this loincloth wearing aborigine wound up on the spacecraft.  Who put him there?  Why exactly would he be wearing possums and shells in the year 2023.  Also, if there was only a couple weeks to prepare for the apocalypse, where did this ark come from with all of Earth's knowledge stored on it.  It's only six years from now, after all.

I love how he timed Earth's time of death down to the actual minute, lol.  Now that's precise.

Despite these quibbles, I liked it.  A lot of ideas here for a short.

I gotta say, the premise is strong and the idea of underground cities is a great one.  i also like the dark side of the moon playing into this... despite it making me think of stupid ass Transformers.

you're hamstrung by the fact this has to be a short, b/c the narration was probably the only way to go with it and i gotta say I just don't like narration.  not in a "this is a bs screenwriting rule people who have no real hollywood knowledge tell you," just in the "i don't like it when i feel like someone is talking directly to me" kinda way.  I've never been a fan of screenplays with narration.  ... but this is just me.

if this was a longer piece, a feature length, you could actually show everything instead of just blips of action with some floating voice telling me what I'm seeing.  again, this could very well just be a gripe of mine.

i like the peace and happiness as opposed to the usual looting and turning on your fellow man angles...

this was very ambitious, especially for a week's notice... be honest, this was an inkling of an idea you had in the past.  be honest!  come on!

i'll harp on it one more time.  i like all the ideas here, i just don't like voiceover.  i'd watch this movie though, that's for sure.  a narrative of the supreme beings leaving their underground cities, shutting down the sun, and mankind uniting at the last minute?  great idea.  some would say there are no stakes, and dumb executives would try to turn it into Indepence Day, but i love the optimism in this story.

good one.

Interesting idea but with no real characters it didn't really engage me.

The start with secret masters was interesting, a conspiracy theory that could have had legs but it's jettisoned almost immediately.

And I couldn't get War of the World's narration out of my head as it evolved.

So, sorry but didn't work for me.

Well done for trying something different though.

Well, I am torn.  On one hand, I LOVED the idea.  On the other, I didn't care for the execution.

You didn't need a voice over for the entire piece.

You could have easily crafted a short story about everything you just wrote.

It was well written.  It was pretty easy and clear to follow.

The biggest issue was that there's very little plot, suspense, anything.  It was as if I was reading a new entry in a just found Bible verse.

I'd love to see you go back to the drawing board, focus on 1 person, perhaps the person going into space, and tell the story thru their eyes, but, show us, don't tell us....

Good luck and let me know if you need another read.

Dan

Is the aboriginal/narrator supposed to be the protagonist? If so, I'm not really on board with that. Seems a bit cold, distant. No one really to cheer for or identify with. It's more like a book report than a screenplay. Mind you, the writing's not bad at all, which makes this all the more confounding to me.

The masters basically turned the sun off? We'll, that's a neat trick, I guess.

Overall, nice visuals, good writing on display, no buy in as a reader.

Best of luck,
Gary

Overall, I liked it. Reminded me of an episode that would do well on the old 'Outer Limits' show from waaay back when. Also loved another Utah reference with Indian Creek. I'm assuming you were referring to Moab. Yet I agree that it was not engaging without the character development. Once filmed, if the actors are truly able to portray the emotion necessary, you might be able to pull it off with the visuals. Good work.

Ten minutes of utopia. Fair enough. It's clean and well-written, the V.O. is used well, and I think it gives out the right amount of information.

It could be animated, I suppose. Or a much less epic version could be done that focuses on one small area, perhaps the narrator's, and shows the same dynamics playing out there, while the global stories are just narrated.

Kept as is, I'd agree with some others that became a bit bored following a character-less plot that was essentially all denouement. I just think it could be a couple pages/minutes shorter -- really condensed down to vital information and images. I do think Mark's suggestion about intro-ing the Aboriginal man earlier is excellent.

It's sincere, in a time when so few films are sincere. I think that's its biggest strength.

Good stuff.

Title didn’t grab me but the logline did…

Different approach to most others but I enjoyed this. No real characters to follow but the theme of a shared humanity facing the end as one keeps it all together. One of few where I forgot I was reading a script and just let the story pull me along right to the bitter sweet end. I found it quite affecting in places - it’s just a pity about the budget.

It’s a big concept and the narration works to tie it all together - don't think it would have worked without it. Linking back to reveal the Narrator at the end was a nice touch. Solid, visual writing with a clever take on the scenario.

Could have made a good documentary short if the events were true or close to true I suppose. Could be an animation, but this won't be much in terms of entertainment.

I won't lie - it didn't keep me overly engaged as I'm not a fan of documentaries or anything of that sort. But it's quite interesting and unconventional. And the story is good - neat.

The beginning didn't work for me though. I know it goes with your ending - but the very first Narrator's lines felt way too revealing and OTN.

Good, solid work. There are a few thing I'd like cleared up:

"Glass tower blocks across the skyline reflect images of rockets launching all across the city."
This was a really awkward read. After going over it three or four times I concluded that what it meant was,
"Glass buildings across the city reflect images of rockets launching into the sky". Something like that?

"The people in charge had never been in charge, nor were they people. Not like us anyway." What I take away from this is that those in charge weren't human and they really weren't in charge either. So who's in charge?

Why torn off the sun on your way out? I know it completely kills the story if they don't. I just wanna know why it's done. Do we need to kill all the witnesses? Why?

I'm torn between wanting main characters to follow and be engages with or having no main character at all. I really didn't expect to see anyone inside the spaceship. And there seems to be just one man? What's the point of that? He can't procreate by himself.

I think there's probably a feature here. Definitely need some characters to care about.

Writing is excellent.

The narrator gave it a Twilight zone vibe which I don't mind.
We're all aliens I guess, the seed was planted many years ago... you must watch the History Channel lol

No real Characterization but still the story moved along and I liked it.

Great job writer

Hmmm I wanted to like this but I think the Narrator just seemed so flat. And the visuals in between didn't do enough for me.

In a way I liked the deeper things in the script.... like the disaster causing people to forget cell phones and live free again... I loved the lady freeing the dogs...giraffes.... I loved the guy in the skins at the end and I love the Narrators last dialogue.

Some good stuff here but it plays like a documentary or something. There are no protags or no real feeling antags... but for some reason when finished I go away feeling good about this story.

Wow. Just wow. Spellbinding. It would be expensive as hell to film, but fuck it. ;D

Not too many issues, but there's no need to tell us the Oval Office (capitalized, btw) is in the White House; we already know.

"Amoung" threw me for a loop, but technically, it's not incorrect (per se). Just archaic.

Nice twist ending with the Narrator. Superb job.

Earth's Final Moments - Apocalypse, Sci Fi, YA - When the moon spins out of orbit and the true masters of Earth power down the sun, humanity has to decide if it should go quietly into the night, or face extinction in a spectacular blaze of glory.

Rating: 2
Thoughts: I like this thought of "powering down the sun." Interesting.

TITLE: Earth's Final Moments

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 5

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 5

Story - 5

Ending - 4

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 5

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 5

Dialogue reveals character - 4

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 5

Overall readability - 5

Total: 4.8

Mark, great job buddy. This was odd, but, lots of fun.

Dan

Come on, no-one wants to buy this script? No-one got a few million to spare? Lol.

Thanks for all the reviews on this, I’ll try to cover most of the comments and questions. I think I’ll frame this as the first script of mine Jeff has really liked!

The backstory to this, the ‘secret masters’ living in cities underground, false moon etc. That is indeed part of a project I’m working on but I did write this script from scratch in the week. I’m thinking of using this now as a kind of prequel to what I’m developing.

I’m glad some people really wanted to know more about the backstory and get more answers. It lets me know I’m on the right track. All I can say is there are answers and it ties into a much bigger story. Hopefully one day I’ll get the opportunity to tell it in one format or another.

A couple of reviewers noticed this being more of a documentary than a traditional story and that is very true. This is the last few weeks of the human race, of Earth, being documented by the Aboriginal narrator. I chose to show a snapshot of life around the planet and how people reacted to this extinction level event rather than follow one protagonist. This is why the narration is important, as he's documenting the final moments of Earth.

Some people really liked the narration, some hated it. As usual it’s all split down the middle.

How did the Aboriginal pilot the ship on his own? The answer is he didn’t, he’s one of many people on the ship. I just chose to highlight him. Native people on Earth are aware of what is really going on and have been preparing a long time for this. I realise this isn’t in the script, it’s part of the backstory.

I thought mentioning this was an Arc would be enough but I realise I need to show it, so I’m going to update the script so we see behind him other humans, animals and plants being put into suspended animation.

Thanks for all the honest reviews, it has been extremely useful.

-Mark

Wow, I can see how this got such good marks. Just amazing. No idea how this would ever get filmed, but I really hope it does.

Overall - the writing is top drawer. Vivid, crisp - saw everything I was supposed to see. Obviously, this needs to be a small part of something bigger.

A few nits:

Quoted Text

NARRATOR (V.0.)Earth’s true masters decided to reveal themselves right at the moment they abounded us

Is abounded the right term here?

Quoted Text

NARRATOR (V.O.)Science told us it would take thousands of years for the sun to go cold, but just like there was fake news, there was plenty of fake science to keep us off track.

Probably just me, but the fake news line took me out of the story for a moment and back the present day/Trump era. I would nuke it.

It struck me as odd that there were no religious references (e.g., Vatican City, a church - something like that).

Overall stellar writing and very imaginative.

Hey Dave, thanks for the review and for spotting yet another typo I've missed. Abounded lol. Should be abandoned.

As the religious references, one scene takes place in the Vatican City. It's a quick one but it's there. Thousands line up at St. Peter's square waiting for answer from the pope only to discover he is missing and like all the world's leaders, were not really our leaders anyway but puppets of the real masters.

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