For It Is Written - OWC

Lot of typos for a 3 pager. I'm guessing this one was written in a hurry. In fact so quickly, there wasn't even time for an ending. The story is extremely simple, but it had its moments, such as when they resurfaced to realize the apocalypse happened without them. However, the ending felt like a cop out. I think you need to at least hint at what happened here. It's too easy to just write nothing.

First one down and it's a bit of a mixed bag for myself.

There's a lot of good descriptions and visualisations, but there's also a lot of typos and it's a bit confusing in parts. The sequence from diving with the fishes, to surfacing in the cave, that needs to be tidied up, maybe split it in two

Overall I actually quite liked it. I could picture what was going on and it ticks all the boxes regarding the apocalypse. Just needs a good tidy up and expansion in some areas.

There's something there, just needs a little bit of work,

Cam

Writer,

Seems like you just kinda stopped writing. Where's the rest? Decent set up, I was along for the ride but a bit
more explanation - okay, a lot more explanation would be good. Nice try for the challenge but I need more than what you've got here.

Steve

I watched Into The Blue last night, well I half watched it anyway. Paul Walker, RIP, has the most incredible blue eyes. Anyway, sorry I digressed big time. Watching it I was able to visualise your set up only too well.

I like the premise, liked the cool underwater cave, and the reveal, and then it's like 'to be continued' but it didn't.

Your punishment is to read and review 31, or 30, ( word has it one is blank pages) other scripts. :)

P.S. Commenting on your logline and title: Considering you pulled up short your title is pretty funny and ironic. 'Above the water' just isn't great wording imh,, 'on land' may be better. And I know I'm being picky but 'don scuba gear' ? Hmm. If it was a school report I'd say: 'could do better'. :)

Love your title. Love the irony in your logline. Even love more your page count. Now to read... I'll take notes as I go along.

Out of the gate, your heading says NIGHT yet your description: windless day. Pay attention to detail. Because I see that the rest of that scene is also described as DAY, so maybe just change the slug.

'fishes' I think should be fish.

THERESA
Oh my God, there's daylight through
those that must be the beach.

When we read this dialogue it would be fine if you gave us a visualization first. When I read I try to see the movie and if you put dialogue like this in there without an action line above it or below it... you steal that vision from the writer. Attention to detail.

The kiss should be 'they' I think.

it's head should be 'its' I think.

It's the end of
the world as we know it and I feel fine--laughed at this irony... good job.

Argh! I'm left not knowing what happens!!! Anyway overall I liked this ok. I think the dialogue is too much and needs some work but that's to be expected with this week projects or hour projects if yours was anything like mine :)

Good job writer.

Why is the beach so crowded at night? Aren't these type of crowds typically reserved for the daytime? Take my knowledge of beach life with a grain of salt, I'm from Ohio. Lol. :P

They sure do find some sunken ships pretty quick. I might be nitpicking here, but wouldn't sunken ships be further away from the shore? Cool imagery for sure, but it just doesn't make much sense to me.

Some of the dialog doesn't work at all. Example - "Oh my God, there's daylight through
those that must be the beach." This makes no sense as written, and even contradicts the previous scene where you state that it is night out.

I'm sorry, but this one doesn't work for me on any level. Some really odd writing. The ending is just... It just ends. Very disappointing.

Not trying to be such a downer. It's a good effort, and congrats on entering. This needs some work though. Good luck. :)

~Zack~

Hi writer,

I’m not sure what to pen here simply cause there’s not much to go on but… that doesn’t make this any less effective. You have a beginning, a middle and, an Apocalypse somewhere in between, so, boom… if you were holding a mic, you could drop it and walk off stage. Mind you, there’s always that Salvador Dali looking, black turtle neck wearing mother f*cker in the corner of the room saying; “No…”

The part about being submerged in an underwater cave is good actually, clever. I’m curious if that would work for the initial blast but, the aftermath of what transpires is usually the worst thing. That being said, it works for what it is, and it worked for me on some unexplained level. All the best.

This seemed like a short bit but without the punch. I think a short bit needs a punch. What did they see on the phone? I sort of thought they might just collapse dead themselves from watching the video. That could maintain the mystery but make the ending more impactful.

I do like the central premise of coming up from the dive to find everyone mysteriously dead. It's a good idea and a cool scene. Just needed more to flesh it into a story.

What the heck was that??????

I agree with the other comments.  You have the start of an interesting story, but, then, BAM! it ends.  That's too bad.

It feels incomplete.  We don't know the what, why, or how of the story.

Good job entering, but, you ended it far too soon.  And what does the title have to do with anything?  There's no writing of any sort.

Dan

I think it was hard for you to give an ending to this story. My bet is you dont have one. Whats to follow - how they started making babies and renamed themselves Adam and Eva? Or maybe its all a prank? A prank would be the answer but its not a good ending.

Not much more to say after what's already been said. The typos, grammar, some prop issues (she was wearing a helmet?), details, details, details.

But... it's new and different. Good job writer for entering. I bet if you had just a bit more time, eh?

Well, this is interesting, I guess. I didn't get the title and how it worked with the story. The typos made it a difficult read. And there wasn't much to the story. I mean the couple goes underwater and when they come back up everyone's dead. There's no setup, there's no revelation, there's just "A, then B, then C." I just didn't find it interesting enough. Sorry. Hope others feel differently.

Best of luck,
Gary

Logline - kind of reminds of a script around here where the air in the atmosphere disappears whilst a diver in under water. Let's see...

Yay, 4 pages - cool, dude.

Very last minute by any chance?

Trapped under water, in a cave, whilst shit goes on outside has potential.

Really, a face like a mule? I wouldn't go diving with that guy. Careful not to come across too literal in description.

Not sure what to make of this. Underwater scenes always get to me - I catch myself holding my breath for some reason… I was into the concept then it just...ended, no twist or payoff, just a bad day at the beach. Feels rushed into place - there’s no real connection to the title: ‘For It Is Written’ - where?

Pity, as I thought this was onto something.

Yeah really cool concept here but needed a more fired up ending. Short and sweet and to the point is good at times, just needs a few more pages to flesh it out.

Competent formatting so no complaints there. Good effort, writer!

After reading close to 30 scripts, I did a little sex wee when I spotted this was 3 pages, so thanks for that!

For such a short script, there's not much in the way of white space. You spend a lot of time setting the scenes in meticulous detail, most of which would be dropped or changed if produced.

The story has potential. People being trapped in a cave when the world ends has loads of options, unfortunately you ran out of time perhaps? It just ended. There's even a [CONT'D] after the fade out, even your screenwriting software couldn't believe that was the end.

Meets the criteria for sure but only half a story at the most.

-Mark

I'm sorry I can't resist:

A little 'sex wee', what the heck is that Mark?

Critique quote of this OWC:
There's even a [CONT'D] after the fade out, even your screenwriting software couldn't believe that was the end.

That line just cracked me up... ;D

And btw, I mean absolutely no disrespect to the writer.

Quoted from LC

I'm sorry I can't resist:

A little 'sex wee', what the heck is that Mark?

:-)

It's when you get so aroused, a little bit of pre-cum oozes out.

Well, you asked!!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw

Well, you asked!!

You can safely assume I'm kicking myself for asking now. ;D

5 pages!  thanks

"romp" at the water's edge?  that's an expression?

little on the nose with the "last man" dialogue (which i don't mind) and the REM (which i kinda do mind)

someone else had someone underwater during the apocolypse and I commended them for the idea, so i'll do the same here.

some of the dialogue was cheesy and unneeded "this is scary" being one to point out.  i just always find dialogue like that completely pointless.

this is basically a long scene.  cool open to something maybe, not sure it stands alone.  decent enough i guess.

the title doesn't really work either.

OK...just barely over 3 pages.  I have a funny feeling about this one, and it's not a very good funny feeling.  Let's see...

Opening is terrible.  You repeat your Slug and then contradict your time element.  Why are there "crowds of people on a beach at night and what is a strand?

Oh man...lots and lots of mistakes here and very poor writing.

"face like a mule" - WTF?  Hilarious.  Sorry, but that's a new classic.

Dialogue is downright painful.  I wish this was a pisser, and I'd laugh, but I know it isn't and am trying not to laugh.

Just for the record, SCUBA gear (all CAPPED) is not something one can just drag along a beach...especially for two people.

I'm sorry, but this is just redonkulous.  They run headlong, while wearing SCUBA gear?  Do you even know what SCUBA gear is?  EXT OCEAN?  Sounds to me like they're underwater.  Sunken ships are just laying around here?  Where in the world are they?  Touching coral is a big no no.  Theresa is wearing a helmet?  WTF?

Now they find an underwater cave?  OH man...this ain't good, but it sure is funny and entertaining.  The "surface" of the cave?  And they can breathe now without their SCUBA gear?

Wow!  Sorry, but very little effort appears to have been put into this.  Easily the worst entry I've come across.  Score - 0.

Your title is not centered

Are they diving at night without any lights?

Okay… A little mystery-story here. A couple goes diving and when coming back, the whole beach visitors are dead. I'm generally open to stories where I need to puzzle over the explanations to come and then receive the big payoff. Here, it seems you ran out of time. The REM song and the open ending isn't enough. You need a climax and build a complete, coherent story experience.

Title is not in all caps. It is conventional wisdom to CAP you titles.

A few missing words, such as:

Quoted Text

THERESA
I wouldn't go with you if you were
[the] last man on earth.

Quoted Text

MICHEAL
Have it your way, here you go[. H]ave
fun kids. Remember I get half of
what you find.

Some grammar/punctuation issues, particularly with commas.

REM's classic song needs to be capitalized. And some would argue the song choice is too OTN, unless that's what you're going for. Then again, Halloween used "Don't Fear the Reaper."

"smiles a gentle smile" is redundantly redundant.

"an huge" is not proper grammar. Like, at all. It is always "a huge."

Confused about the (CONT'D) at the end. And I felt that ending on the top of page 4 was a waste of page.

The logline made me think this would be Atlantis, which would have been an intriguing take on the apocalypse theme -- an apocalypse that already happened... thousands of years ago.

It's not a masterpiece, but isn't terrible.

Congrats on entering.

There's a lot of typos and grammar issues throughout, so they need some attention.

The script is super short and could be expanded to provide more substance.

But I thought the idea of scuba divers re-surfacing to discover the apocalypse was excellent, you need to build on this though as at the mo it's a missed opportunity.

The writing is clunky. Story's good as far as it goes, then it stops.

Might be more tension in the story if this was a first-time hookup. Just a thought.

Unexpectedly dead bodies always make me wonder -- what do they look like? Like they just fainted and died? Are there marks on them? Did they see something coming? Seems like vital information.

Can’t say the title makes sense. The log line tells me about as much as the 3 pages do.
I have no idea what happened. That seems to be the point.
Haven’t bought into the characters yet. Haven’t seen enough of them.
Is this an introduction to something?
Good luck

This seems like you threw this together on a Friday night.

Has the hint of a good idea just not properly executed.

Obviously a lack of time with grammar issues and typos included in only 3 pages

Good job on entering

For It Is Written - Apocalypse, Thriller - A couple of college kids don scuba gear in search of treasure, but it's above water that they find an unwanted discovery.

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Ugh. Writers have to learn. The vague ender in a logline ("unwanted discovery") doesn't hook us. We need to know what it is to be hooked. But I do like treasure. :)

TITLE: For It Is Written

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 1

Story - 3

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 2

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character - 1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.1

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