The Antidote - OWC - Print Topic

Very nice, writer.

I started with this one as I really liked your logline.
Dr. Berkus is a funny character. And I liked how you moved the talk forward and what happened to Torres.
I did not understand why Berkus doesn't give them the antidote right away though. He said there's no antidote. I know he wants the humanity to be reset but still. So, that part doesn't work for me.
The rest does and very well.
You didn't start with your main character but it works in your script.
Nice job!

Hey writer,

I apologise from the off. For some reason I got Stan's dad from South Park stuck in my head when Hammer did his "oh my god" thing, no idea why, it's not a slant on you but a slant on my strange mind.

Now, back to your work. Overall it is a good, solid short. Well written, it moves at the correct speeds required, and I couldn't see any typos or formatting issues. The only thing I feel that could be negative, is that as with some others, it feels like part of a much larger body of work. As a couple of scenes, or an intro, it really works, but I just couldn't be 100% satisfied when I got to the end not knowing how its pan out.

Still, that's nit picking. Good job overall,

Cam

Logline - its tidy but doesn't jump out at me

Quite contained and doesn't try to do too much, which makes a change.

In effect this is less apocalypse and more suicide and consequences

Minor nit pick but the conclusion about a safe etc didn't really make him that special.

Overall, its fine but perhaps wont have as lasting effect as others.

Hi writer,

OK, back on track here (I accidentally posted this is the wrong thread, lol)... clicky, delete

Oooh!… that damn assistant, er, was it… Ellen DeGeneres? That’s all it takes I guess, carelessness to end it all like a bad skit. This definitely feels as something from a bigger story, self contained but, stuck in the middle. Mind you, the theme did state before, during, or after an apocalyptic event, so, I guess you’ve got that down right.

Got one of those crazy labs here, not my house… this strange city. I pass by it every now and again. It houses a Containment Level 4 bio lab with some of the nastiest shit known to man… probably created by man, for that matter, and that’s even scarier to consider as a fact; these viruses they have weaponized. I heard that the underground lab walls are six feet of concrete (thick), with fifty (50) coats of latex paint on the inner walls… apparently they’re not treating this virus shit like its playdough.

Your story, I wanna’ say, leans a little more towards the personal struggle of a brilliant scientist, than it does an apocalyptic scenario for humanity but, the overall concept of a bigger outcome was understood, should the doctor pull the trigger and all. Written well with just the right amount of tension makes this a good contender, well done.

Hello Writer,

I liked the log line. Got me interested.
Goes smoothly. It's a quick and easy read. Nice pace. Good tension.

There are just a few things that bug me. The next to the last paragraph confuses me a bit. She looks back at the house. So I assume she's quite a few feet away. Then she reaches for the handle. I assumed she was reaching for the car door but she was reaching for the door knob of the house . . . ?

So, I come to the conclusion that there isn't an antidote. There are notes on all the experiments in a safe. Maybe an antidote can be extrapolated from the notes. Maybe. How long will that take? Berkus actually doesn't give them anything, does he?

So was there an apocalypse or not? Was the world saved?

Hey writer,

No Apocalypse here. It seems like it was averted with only a few people dead so not sure if this counts. For me personally I'm thinking it doesn't for my votes, others may disagree.

The story itself didn't rock my world. The opening is a condensed version of the beginning of The Stand. Then it turns into a talking heads encounter which I struggled to follow. Not because it wasn't written well as it was written fine, it just wasn't holding my attention.

I could get why he just didn't hand over the antidote if he had the code and then he did after killing an FBI agent - world saved. It just didn't do it for me, sorry.

-Mark

I'm not a scientist, but the changing colors of test tubes doesn't seem very "high tech science" to me. Maybe if these were kids in a chemistry class, but as the logline tell me this is probably a virus, dumbing the experiment down kinda ends up being campy. Maybe that's the point. I'll have to wait and see. But if this is to be taken seriously, then reconsider.

Franz Hammer? Is this a throwback to the hammer horror films I wonder???

When Torres and Cooper drive out in the SUV. I know you want to start late and leave early, but I think this is too late. "I like to keep my options open" as a line just adds confusion.

How can this virus spread if it's contained in a lab?

Too much exposition when the agents meet Berkus. It's like 'Hey the world is gonna die! Urgency is key! Let's sit around and talk shop!"

Berkus is quite the prick to just let the world die around him and not even care.

TOO. MUCH. TALKING.

Spell out numbers in dialogue. Don't write them.

Sooooo after all this, the antidote for an accidental killer virus happens to be stored in a safe under a desk in an office? Really?

You have a nice idea with a suicidal scientist left to save the world but waste it on a lengthy exchange between him and the FBI and what seems like boring baby mamma drama. Shame. You do write well though. That is pretty clear. Just need to work on story.

The back and forth "Do the right thing and save the world" dragged and felt super repetitive. The story simply doesn't move forward there, actually for the complete 2nd act it does not.

The gunshot at Torres is a problem for me. There's only Cooper left now who is worth my empathy even if she's actually also indirectly involved into that fiasco. It also felt just wrong that the Dr. goes murderer as if there's no big difference to suicide.

Cooper then says "thank you" even if Berkus completely unnecessary shot her partner. So, now she eventually also becomes an unpleasing character to me.

I liked the opening very much. Unfortunately, the second and third act haven't delivered yet.

The characters are too questionable in their behavior and more than that, unlikable.

Imo you just took some huge wrong decisions here, otherwise it must be said that you noticeably are a qualified screenwriter to me.

I agree with Cam.  You have too much talking that doesn't do anything.

You kinda have an apocalypse setting, which, IMO may or may not cover the challenge.  It says apocalypse, either at the beginning, middle, or post.  I guess this could be at the beginning, but, not sure...

Why in the world would a super secret lab not be able to contain an airborne virus?  It isn't that hard.  When I worked in the microbiology lab (well, volunteered) we had an anaerobic tent set up for all bacteria and viruses that don't need oxygen to grow.  Most were airborne and they were easy to keep contained.

If, you mixed the blood from "Alien" and it got out and into the air, once the blood went through all the floors of the secret lab to the outside ground, then, I could accept that.    Otherwise, it'd be contained.

Giving him
SPOILERS
only a few months to live and a broken heart are kinda overkill.  We can all relate to a broken heart.  Some can relate to losing a loved one to cancer or some other fatal illness.  Both seems like an easy way to justify his choice for suicide.

I'd also like to see them do a thermal scan of his house before breaking down the door.  How do they know he's there?  Why would they break down the door?  What if he were having sex?  Or taking a dump?  Or out buying groceries?

You have a good story, but, it needs to be told, with more action and suspense, and then, I can see this getting noticed.

Good luck
Dan

ps, and let's get this more reads.    It has the fewest reads and it deserves more.  And no, this isn't my entry.

One of the best ones so far.

Abbreviated titles such as Mister, Missus, Miss, Sergeant, Doctor, Professor, etc., as well as numbers, need to be spelled out.

Normally, these chunks of dialogue would be way too long, but they work just fine here.

The characters felt like real people. I wish, though, you had told us straight out that the assistant was female, or at least given her a name.

Absolutely solid title, logline, premise, and writing.

Looks like my last read.  I've been called out for giving scores, so no score here.  I've also been called out for "being a big old meanie", so I guess I have to leave only positive feedback with now profanity.

Here goes...

"LABORATORY/CORRIDOR" - using a slash like this denotes you're in both places...or both places are open onto each other.  I think you want a "-", saying you're still in the lab, but right here, you're in the corridor.

"DESERT AREA/UTAH" - This Slug is just plain old incorrect.

"RESIDENCE" - Another not so good Slug (note I didn't say terrible or the like).

IMO, using ":" in a script is a mistake.  They just aren't remotely necessary.

This must be a very tiny house if Berkus can see the front door from his bedroom.

"The weight of the world on his shoulder" - No reason for this side, IMO

Who is Oscar?

Way too much talking going on here and IMO, too many things wrong for Berkus.  Just doesn't seem to work for me, and the scene is getting stagnant.

Why does Cooper keep saying, "Oscar!"?  What am I missing?

Hmmm, I don't like the ending, but I could see where others will.

It's not a bad effort at all.  Needs some work on Slugs and I'm still wondering who Oscar is, but maybe I missed something.

I'm not sure that the main stakes make sense. They've gotta talk someone off the ledge to save the world, but the person on the ledge can't come up with any good reason why he wouldn't provide the antidote. I like the "one man's grief vs. the world" idea, but I think his grief has to be more directly connected to humanity -- cancer seems less relevant.

Simply put, I'm not really sure what changes with him, what tactics the agents use, that moves him to supply the antidote. I don't get the emotional stakes.

Nice crisp writing, albeit heavy on the dialogue, as others have noticed. Seed of something interesting here, but doesn't really work as is, in my opinion.

Big War of the Worlds fan here so this better be good…

Title feels a bit generic - but the logline with the ‘suicidal scientist’ suggests a fresh angle.

Hard to see where this was leading - interesting that you made it very much about that single scene to the point I wonder if you need all that set-up?  If you come back to this I’d consider a simpler, real low budget way of getting the core idea across.

I could empathize with Berkus on the broken heart angle but was it necessary to double down with the cancer?  It’s a lot for a short - IMO it weakens the emotional impact rather than enhancing it.

Liking the concept, but I’ve no real sympathy for Berkus and the situation eventually goes to plan (get the antidote) which doesn’t lend this much of a payoff.  I thought there’d be more to Berkus to do in this.  In the end his input is simply knowing where the antidote is rather than using his scientific skills to prevent an apocalypse.  Nothing a good health and safety review shouldn’t be able to fix…

Being from Utah, I can take you to that compound. Creepy place. I've one problem: If the dying scientist had the antidote in his safe, why make your last words "Get Berkus?" Why not say "Dude, it's in the safe. Combo..." Because that would be too simple. Sorry, being a jerk. Not sure that the G-Men would kick down the door with guns drawn. Unless Berkus was known to be an unstable loner Scientist. Good work, though. Kudos for entering.

Decently written, and well paced but I couldn't engage with Berkus so I struggled a little to care for him.

Liked the line
A coward wouldn’t be able to pull
the trigger.

Nice.

I think from what you've written that Berkus isn't at the lab anymore? An alternate ending could be to have the safe code not work.

Anyway, decent effort.

Writer,

Hmm. Didn't exactly go the way I thought it would. This was written pretty well, you had some decent tension going on. But it went on too long, and the payoff wasn't worth the set up. It felt incomplete. I guess everything turned out okay, but what of Dr. Berkus? Perhaps some background - yes - in his failed relationship would have made Betkus more relatable as a character. As it stands, I felt more compassion for the two agents who came to visit him. Not bad though. I'd say work on this some more. It's got potential

Steve

As I'm reading I wanted to say that the scene with the FBI breaking into Berkus's house should be revamped. Seems like you are going for a light-hearted suicide scene here, and maybe a little humor would help ease the tension. For example, maybe make more of a play on the fact that FBI agents are pointing a gun at someone who is pointing a gun at them self already. The scene seems like it's going to be good, but between poor direction and dialogue it loses steam.

I got to "For God's sake man!", and I can officially say dialogue is bordering on generic. Not a bad story, just seems like one giant cliche.

Please give the man a better death than "his eyes go into a death stare ."

Ending was better than I was expecting, good job.

Love your title and love the irony in your logline.

I would've liked to see the guy try to commit suicide sooner.

I am left with a lot of unanswered questions here. Who is the real protag? The virus thing seemed tacked on. There should've been more behind the scientist. In your logline it reads like he's the protag yet even though he does give them the code to the safe, he's just there about to kill himself. And why did they need the scientist if the safe was right in the floor in the lab? And if they go in to unlock the safe for the antidote won't they succumb to the virus before they can 'save the world'?

I dunno.. I love a lot about this story but feel like it needs more.

The Antidote - Apocalypse, Drama - When a deadly virus threatens to wipe out the human race, the only hope to stop it rests in the hands of a suicidal scientist.

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Okay. This is definitely more interesting than had it just been a normal scientist. Points for that!

TITLE: Antidote

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character - 1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 3

Total: 2.6