The Last Days of Demons - OWC

This is a very interesting take on the story. It was a captivating read.
Some demons.
I liked their interactions - between all of them.

Having said that - I don't understand what kind of demon that Walker is. And what happened to the Earth. I very much want to know.
Did the Walker kill his folk?
At first I thought he was some kind of a zombie up until he started talking.

One of the better entries.

Very powerful, very well written and nicely paced.

I think you can lose or cut down the first two pages, get to the meat a bit quicker.

Unsure why Mister didn't shoot Walker or why he let him in at the end but wow, that was good.

I raise my hat to you writer, that was intense and met the criteria perfectly.

-Mark

Logline - intriguing, but a little elusive

Let's see...

A bit confusing in parts. How are they together, and there, and what is walker etc

I like the enemy at the gates type setting and the ominous feeling of something coming to return - a sense of the calm before the storm

Needs a little work for me, but I appreciate the containment and low budget potential

Hi writer,

Easy containment for a quick shoot. You kept me reading all the way through but, I was lost in the final translation of your story. Mister and Lilah are wandering whilst some omnipotent force searches out and removes demonic forces from the planet? Just a guess, being Walker knew they/it/judgement was on his trail… for him, that is.

I’m pulling at straws here to find some form of resolve that fits what I believe transpired. The dialog and action paced along quite well, and didn’t seem to lag at all to distract me from the read. I would of liked to have known what Mister was carving, even if it wasn’t complete but, Lilah could voice something for us.. was it the Christ? Seems fitting, well written, good use of theme, all the best.

Hey there, Writey McWriterson,

Nice, well built and well thought out, really liked it. Lilah and Mister kinda reminded me a bit of Leon (or The Professional, for the Aussie's amongst us), but far less creepy.

It was heartfelt, moved in different directions and even though it used the full page count, it did so through vivid descriptions and successful scene building.

Only negative I can think of, the ending leaves a fair bit out there. That could be deliberate, it could be because you've only got 12 pages, still that doesn't take away from your overall work.

Well done

Cam

Breathes hard, not breathing.

No need to type in strange with the man in dress clothes. Your writing if clear enough should convey that for us.

Almost every actions line starts with Mister. Mister this. Mister that. It's repetitive. Change it up. "Under a starry sky, Mister looks up into the heavens." Something like that reads much better.

They don't even know each other's names and they are in a post apocalyptic cabin together? Doesn't seem to be much urgency either. Never bothered to say hello?

Very very slow build that makes little sense. As I said no urgency. How are we to know there is an Apocalypse at all? Seems just like two strangers met in the woods. When Walker comes it all gets super confusing. Who is he? What's with the music constantly? Why doesn't Mister take the shot he clearly has? Why does Walker just agree to leave?

And the end, totally lost me, sorry.

Good try but needs more focus and polish.

This was very interesting and well written. A good pace throughout.

The ending leaves a lot unexplained though. It seemed like it might be angled towards salvation for Mister. He lets Walker in instead of killing him and is saved? I'm not quite sure, and it doesn't help that allowing yourself to be axe murdered doesn't seem like an appropriate requirement for soul saving to me. Lilah has a good question as well, why’s a fourteen year old still there if it's a rapture situation? And what has she done at the end that would save her as well. If Mister’s saved and Lilah’s just dead, doesn't seem quite right to me.

Ultimately too many threads left hanging to feel complete, but I enjoyed the read while it lasted.

Title and logline suggest mystery and conflict - I’m in…

Some feature are starting to appear in the wood. A human figure, maybe?  This line threw me - not sure what we’re seeing from where or how.  But other than that I enjoyed this.

The only entry so far where I forgot I was reading a script and got pulled into the story and characters.  Nicely paced - slow burn at the outset but not to the point it dragged.  I like the subtlety of the dialogue - hints as to the ‘why’ but subdued enough to hold the mystery.  All the while I’m waiting on the promise of a third character to shake things up.

Not sure about the ending - mostly Walker’s role.  Was he just a victim like them or something more?  I couldn’t tell - maybe that’s the point.  That Mister didn’t shoot him was a nice touch - either he’s a Demon of some sort and Mister knows it would have no effect or Mister is fearful of the moral consequences which opens up even more possibilities.

Then again I don’t know how you go about ‘ending’ a piece like this.  Any attempt at a logical explanation might backfire.  Leaving it to the reader’s interpretation might be the more satisfying way to go about it.  We know as much as the characters and that was just enough to leave an impression.  It’s good stuff.

One of the more interesting entries.  Reminded me in parts of The Road.  Although the relationship between these two was much more vague. The descriptions were rich but could also be confusing at times.  A real slow burn.

It seems like he would have known the girl's name at this point, however.

Very specific detail of their daily life, but not much of anything happens until Walker shows up.  A lot was left to the imagination here.  Was Walker a man.  Some kind of demon?  Where did the bodies out back come from?

And then the ending.  Not sure if it was literal or allegorical.  Maybe a bigger picture here I just didn't grasp.  Left a hell of a lot of questions at the end, but the journey was pretty unique.

I agree with the others.  One of the better ones.

Lots of questions, which, for me, take away from the story.  We don't need to know a lot.

Take Cloverfield for ex.  We don't know what is going on, just that something big has shown up.  But, at least we know something huge is here.

In your story, we THINK there was an apocalypse.  We don't know for sure.  We don't know who Mister and the girl are.  We certainly don't know who Walker, texas ranger, er sorry, is.

Too many things need to be answered.  It's a great first draft and entry, and I have no doubt that someone will look into making it, but, it needs to be fixed up.

Perhaps the page limit kept you from exploring the other factors.

It was a clean crisp story that was intense, and kept me going in that "something's gonna happen" vibe that exists in horror/suspense.

Good luck
Dan

the lack of named characters in this competition is crazy.  Man, Dad, Son, the Kid, Mister, Sis, etc

pretty familiar so far

am I supposed to immediately think "Walker" in the Walking Dead sense?  I feel like this guy is gonna talk at some point, and if that's the case, "Walker" is a poor name choice.  ... either way it probably is, b/c all i'm thinking about now is Walking Dead "walkers."

Good atmosphere, solid writing, just a completely familiar story.  I wanted more to happen. don't like things spelled out for me, but this was still way too vague.

Well, first of all, Slugs are very poor...and repetitive...and incorrect.

Remember, in dialogue names and the like need to be set off with a comma(s).

Lots of "is" usage

I don't understand...lots of reviews saying how well this is written, but there are mistakes everywhere, awkward phrasings galore.  Am I missing something?

OK, listen, I don't quite understand why every single EXT Slug starts with CABIN, or is simply CABIN, but it's driving me nuts!

"Some feature are starting to appear in the wood. A human figure, maybe?" - Huh?  What is this supposed to mean?

Best part of this is the very last transition - FADE TO WHITE -  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Nah, sorry, butt here's so little here and the writing ain't good.  Nothing much happened and there's no way anyone will remember this.

Score - 2

Thumbs up on the dialog and banter. Otherwise, kinda vague and confusing...for me anyway. Everybody else is dead from...? But, no! Hey Mister, here comes Walker. Name choices distracted me. Also didn't really get the ending.

That said, I liked the pace and your writing! Good job.

This script has a lot of potential. It's a lot of really good stuff that just needs to be cleared up and changed slightly. Like is Lilah a stranger who just happens upon Mister in the woods? Their relationship needs to be explained better, because instead of focusing on what is going on between them I'm always wondering why are these two people in the same cabin at the end of the world?

I'm sure there is some symbolism in here, and if I knew what it was I'd be more understanding of the situation. I'm not going to dig through the script to figure it out, unfortunately. I'd suggest changing things to be a bit more literal, and honestly, lose the strong Christian overtones. It's a heck of a lot better script if it reads as a straightforward thriller.

Dave F

This was a little mixed for me - some confusing lines and mistakes (which are forgivable in a OWC first draft), but I also found the storytelling to be quite captivating.

I really liked the slow burn nature of it, and the way the intensity ratcheted up towards the end. I’d like more answers than are provided - don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want everything explained and wrapped up in a nice neat bow, but as it is there are quite a number of unanswered questions the reader is left with.

Overall an enjoyable but flawed effort that definitely has the potential to be something really good.

Writer,

Interesting script. I get it you can write well, and even though this kind of dragged a little, it was never boring - it had me anticipating how it would end. Very good. Not crazy on the naming of Mister - felt strange, but I guess I understand. I think we're in for the Second Coming here? When there was a Hymn playing in the distance that's what I supposed. Anyway, ended on a confusing note - not really sure who Walker was, and why he'd come back with an axe vs. a rifle. But, I was willing to go along with your story, which is definitely one of the better ones I've read.

Steve

This is a very effective drama, the lack of explanation rings true as we come in after whatever the event is.

I'm not a fan of the name Mister, I'd have thought Lilah would have asked and established what his name is, so I'd switch that.

I like the idea of the cabin owner (or is he?) turning up, nice twist.

For me this was a very personal take on the aftermath, and I thought it was very well written.

Great job.

Had to Google what a cot was.

"His grabs at the rifle" ??? His what?

Quoted Text

LILAH
Canned tomato soup with canned
beets and canned ravioli.

MISTER
That’s disgusting.

LILAH
Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

No, thanks. I'll take the ravioli only. Anyone up for pizza? ;D

Quoted Text

Lilah wanders partway down the hill, pausing every now and
then to pick something up.

MISTER
If there’s something I can do, I’ll
do it.

The knife slides along the wood.

MISTER
If there’s something I can do, I’ll
do it.

Repeated dialogue.

"Something on the wind." Win-d or w-eye-nd?

The only writer thus far who's capitalized Hell.

Fade to white. Wow. Pretty good script. Very contained. Excellent job.

Top of P4: lots of mystery, especially the two characters' relationship – not bad though just--

-- things need to accelerate soon… and also connect

P6 good tension, this story feels coherent

You keep me guessing and focus on characters well.

One thing that I didn't get till this point, and it stuck with me throughout: The way you introduced how Lilah met Mister. Felt like "Hi, so you're there too. Come into my place". Very off-beat and arbitrary.

The music angle didn't work with me. It wasn't developed clear and understandable.

don't get the ending- seems in this post-apocalyptic world, the living people are in a kind of post-religious mood as well, developing some new rites that they can/want to believe in.

Then there were parts (music, light) that truly suggest that a spiritual power does influence this world.

So, lots of open threads for me, like, I'm not sure if Walker is a Zombie or kind of undead, you haven't described that. Who were the corpses behind the cabin, dangerous Walker-like characters?? And so on…

I feel that a lot of my interpretations here are incorrect what same time couldn't be my fault only, so work on more clearness.

All of what I've mentioned, does reflect my impression of the script: Amazing set-ups overall, good rhythm too – but then the payoffs and final conclusions is where it lacks.

Entertaining piece, just an unsatisfying ending/third act for me.

In general, the story feels like something that could make a cool short movie if balanced precisely once. Good script.

Nice script. Very good job. I have to agree with the folks who dislike the name of Mister.
Well Done.

Another demon in the title. :) Your logline intrigues me.

red-faced with yelling

All I could think of at the name Walker was a zombie from Walking Dead. :)

I'm confused at the ending and why Mister was with the girl. I'm confused with their relationship and I'm confused if really was Walker's cabin.

I'm sure there are some deeper messages here but I'd like to hear the writer weigh in.

Good job.

The Last Days of Demons - Apocalypse, Drama, Fantasy - Two strangers find refuge in a cabin as the world falls apart. But then the owner comes home.

Rating: 2
Thoughts: Great conflict inherent in the premise. Problem is that this premise has been done hundreds of times.

TITLE: Last Day Of Demons

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 4

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character - 3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.4

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