Honeycomb Apocalypse by Juno Whoo - Short, Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a nation overrun with giant mutated bees and wasps, it's up to team of young exterminators to rescue survivors and get some action on the side. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quick observation: This is not over the page limit, rather an extra blank page is tacked on. :D

Another script that says to hell with low budget.  The writing is good, and there's a suitably unique premise of mutant bees taking over the world, but there were so many characters and the action passages were so densely written that it was easy to become lost.  

Also began to feel repetitive midway through.  Attacked by bees, kill bees.  I think this script could benefit from some streamlining.

Hey writer,

It's alright this. Nice concept, made me laugh a fair bit, but it does get a bit much after the umpteenth time a bee/yellow jacket attacks. That being said, it's furiously rampant, and I guess the sheer volume of creepy crawlies is deliberate, so probably best ignore my comment above.

Decent enough, not gonna win it for me but was alright.

Cam

Hi writer,

Creepy tale. I imagine you were looking to salvage a few bucks for the production co. in the first few, re: all the public domain stock footage but, somehow tossed that idea aside with the next ten pages.

“Drops the club, rushes towards the clear side of the window, breaks through, and Wilhiem screams his way down.” <-- noice!

Anyway, you lost me, amigo. I hate Yellow Jackets, I’ve been bit by one of those assholes almost every summer for the past 4 years, so, I know they mean business. Not a huge fan of mutated anything, really, especially bugs but, I see you went full throttle on this to get your point across, so I’ll give you merit for achievement. Perhaps if you toned down the action sequences to just a few lines between dialog it would really clean\collapse this into a more manageable document… for a short. Just opinion of course. All the best.

Funny how a lot of these scripts entered have similar names. I think two or three reference demons, two gold, and two with honey in their title.

The logline has an interesting premise but lose the action on the side thing. To me that sounds like this is half sci-fi, half porno.

Also, a cat sized meteor would burn up easily in the atmosphere. Instead you should made it a large one that burns up into a speck by the time it hits the beehive. Woulda been a nice little gag to start. :)

I like Clara's exposition. lol

Are they in Alaska? How would we know? Or is this just a joke>

Ugh. The boat scene is no bueno. Yes this is obviously camp but so far things have been smart and unique. The boat attack is just over the top gratuitous nonsense. Let's hope this recovers.

Bang stick? Like a shotgun?

Oh man, towards the end this devolves into gratuitous bee violence. I can only read about bees being killed in so many ways before it gets boring.

Shame. The first two pages are REALLY strong I'd say. There's a charm and creativity to how the script starts. But it wavers in the HQ and is lost by the time we get to the boat.

Good try and lots of points for creativity. Kinda like Starship Troopers with the camp and action.

The first line threw me right out of the story. I'm pointing this out as people who are forced to read scripts for a living and have a big pile to go through will look for any reason to dump a script in the first few pages.

A small meteor, the size of a common house cat....

What? How will we know it is the size of a cat on screen? Will you show a cat for scale reference? Sorry. I know like I'm sounding like a dick here but it's important to get across why that first line could be the reason someone stops right there and dumps it.

As for the rest of it, it reads fine and you use some quite entertaining descriptions.

It seems like one big video game, a teenagers fantasy apocalypse. Which is fun an all but I found myself drifting a lot through the heavy action, which could do with streamlining. I also didn't care for the characters because they didn't really seem to care about anything. Clara, Amy and Rain (Doctor Who's companions perhaps? Clara and Amy for sure, is Rain a nice little homage to River Song?) just seem to be having a blast and never seem in any danger. There's no conflict.

As for the guys they are rescuing. Fighting over water yes, coffee? It all got very silly and then just ended rather suddenly. Might have worked better as a comedy.

Actually a decent effort, not quite my cup of tea, but I appreciated what went into this.

-Mark

No reason not to check for "extra space" at the end of your script, as here you bleed on to Page 13, even though there is no prose.

A meteor the size of a small house cat?  WTF?  Is this a pisser?  Maybe if you said the size of a medium to large house cat, but small?  That size meteor won't make it to Earth, thus if you had just said maybe a little bit bigger than a small house cat, or close to a medium sized house cat, or a small bobcat about the size of a large house cat, or...sorry...couldn't help myself there.

OK...so now, the small house cat sized meteor has turned into a baseball sized meteor, or let's call it "Mini Meteor".  I'm hoping this is a comedy/pisser, because it sure  starts out that way.

And now we have a VO that makes it pretty clear this is a pisser.

Oh man...this intro doesn't work as you had hoped.  If this isn't a pisser and you were going for a serious take, you're way, WAY off the mark.

Wow...now we get a 5 line description passage ending with a comparison to "Daoglous MacArthur" - you see the typo there now?  Really?

There are too many scripts for me to read line by line when things are this poor.

OK...lose the CAPS and exclamation points in your action lines.  This thing can't be meant to be taken seriously, and I'm not in the mood to read 8 more pages like this, sorry to say.

1.5, being generous.

Hmm, this could go either way…

You had me at the outset but the idea just feels so ‘big’ that I couldn’t see how you could wrap this up in 12 pages.  The final V.O. suggests as much.  It’s a fun idea, entertaining in places but oddly lackluster in others.  I can’t help but think you might be better off trimming the extermination angle and focusing on Jack and the rival groups fighting for survival in the office.  For me that was where the humour of the situation worked best.  Interesting take on the challenge but it's a lot to take in for 12 pages and suffers as a result.  

Pretty lazy title.

one tiny asteroid into one tiny hive caused a worldwide mutant bee swarm?  sure, whatever.  I'll go with it.

ya know what?  i don't have much to say with this one.  i waivered a bit while reading, but you set out to make a crazy story and you did.  i could sit here and break down lines or actions and tell you how i'd change it, but who the hell am i?

solid effort.

Well, not quite sure what to make of this -- I'm guessing hastily written, given all the typos, but it was a bit of a grinder here and there. I think there will be some people who might call it a pisser, but I think it's just a fun take on some of the old "B" movies (ha! Get it???) from yesteryear.  Disappointed there were no nude scenes, however.

A bit corny, but overall, okay.

Best,
Gary

Found myself skimming after a while. The meteor hit the beehive but yellow jackets were mutated as well? Were they having tea with the 'honeys' when the meteor hit? Many typos and spelling mistakes to distract. Sorry, not for me. Good job making the deadline and sending one in!

Nice title and logline! Looks like it'll be a fun B-movie. I think  I know who wrote this, and I'll be surprised if I'm wrong.

Quoted Text I heard it from a friend of a friend whose cousin read it off the internet.

Heard it from a friend whoooo...
Heeeeard it from a frieeeend who...
Heard it from another, you've been messin' aroooouuund.



" Nevada  desert" extra space.

Quoted Text Zombies from George Romero’s film Night Of The Living Dead

Luckily, public domain.  8)

Quoted Text footage of the 50’s version of War Of The Worlds where attacking [M]artian ships shoot out death rays at random

Make sure you get the rights! Unless it's public domain. Be sure to check this.

"Here’s the skinny." Internet? What era does this take place in?

A yellow jacket is a type of bee, correct?

CLARA needs to be capped when first introduced.

" D a ouglas MacArthur." Typo.

" and other reports[ ]are"

"Turns to face the girls." Who does? Aaron?

I hope the mutant bees are practical effects.  8)

"a bigger surprise[/s] s [/s]"

Why are you capping Rain and Amy twice? You've already introduced them.

Awesome! Bring on the B-movie cheese!  ;D 8)

"still, smoking guns" or "still-smoking guns"?

Oh, the "Five-Five-Five" stuff is a phone number. Gotcha.

You make a habit of action lines without subjects. Why? How can we assume that it's the character who just spoke?

If Clara is not in the room, but on the phone, put (V.O.) beside her name in the CHARACTER tag. Keep the (on phone) parenthetical, though. Make it as clear as possible.

Quoted Text white denim pants

Before or after Labor Day?  :P

Quoted Text CLARA We got the beat.

We got the beat, we got the beat, we got the beat! Yeah, we got the beat.

Also, CONT'D is almost always unnecessary except for dialogue interrupted by page breaks.

"worn[-]out Vehicle Barrier Bar"

"YELLO[W]JACKET"

"delict cars." Delict means "in violation of the law." Is this what you mean, or "derelict," which means deserted?

"Jack don’t know shit." "Jack Don't know jack" would've been funny, too.

Quoted Text TWO MEN, in the process of being torn apart by several GIANT HONEYBEES. The bees STING the victims. The stingers jab into the bodies, detach from the bees. Another VICTIM, a woman, covered head  to toe in honey, stuck to a vending machine.

I would have made this two paragraphs.

Quoted Text At night, some of the jackets go [???] the lights, get zapped, that sort of thing, so they learn, stay away from them, that sort of thing.

Looks like you're missing a word or two.

Wilhelm scream, not Wilhiem. But I LOVE the cheese factor here.  ;D 8)

"amy"???

FADE OUT goes on the left. And what's with that extra blank page?

Lots of typographical issues, but I'm giving you a passing grade based on the strength of a B movie concept that knows what it is.

Good job. :)

I should LOVE this type of story.  But, once again, I was left without really buying into it.

I don't know, maybe I just know too much random shit about random shit.  Like for instance, giant bees that big would have a hard time sustaining a nest.  Why wouldn't the military just target the giant 60-foot nests these things would build?

Why would they care about man?  Why would they become violent?  First off, stinging insects DON"T like to sting.  Contrary to the millions of people that are stung each year, you usually have to piss it off in some way that gets it to notice you.  

I have watched a wasp fly back and forth from light source to light source in the house, and as long as I stayed out of the path of said light source, it didn't give 3 shits about me.

In addition, each bee and wasp must return to the hive before nightfall.  So, again, night would be the best time to attack them.  

True fact here, you are much more likely to be stung after dusk.  The insect knows it can't return to the hive now and must survive outside.  Tomorrow it can go back, but, it may or may not be stung to death.

Oh, and as most know, except for the queen (which can sting someone an astonishing ten times) most insects can only sting once, then die.

I just didn't buy them as a threat capable of destroying the world.  You would have had to add something that changes them in other ways than just size.

Good luck
Dan

The title alone made me laugh!

And the script is a lovely B movie romp with loads of action, sparky dialogue and end of the world nonsense.

I smiled throughout the entire read.

Good job.

Alas, lost wifi whilst writing - travelling at mo

I liked the concept just not the delivery. I didn't feel invested in anybody and story wise it was unclear. Nice idea though

"You weren't cooking with that, were you?" I was sure this was going to segue into Attack of the Killer Tomatos 2.

Is this a spoof of Attack on Titan?

Oh lord, a Wilhiem scream, how perfect!

I thought this was a lot of fun to read. Sharknado fans would die for this. I think you have a clear idea of who your audience is, you made it funny, and you made it work. It's not perfect, but I enjoyed it. Good work.

Dave F

Writer,

The first three pages seems like your set up. For what, I have no idea. Clara turns into Clare at one point. Seems rushed. Fudge bunnies? So, so many characters here and the only thing I can think to ask is: Why's Amy covering up her cleavage?? I take it back. It doesn't seem rushed. It seems purposely written this way. Good for a laugh, but I have no clue what I just read.

Steve

I don’t think you need to bother with trying to give us the size of the meteor while it’s in space. Just let us know the size when it hits the bee hive.
Why are yellowjackets affected?
What's the deal with the jar marked PEPPERMINT? It's not playing for me.
Aaron just carries a 15 foot yellowjacket around? Okay.
Had to go google “bangstick”.
This is pretty funny.
Enjoyed it

Hi,

I kept wondering if you need this many characters. You keep introducing and introducing. The old characters don't reappear etc. Make me think they were not needed in the first place.

If we replace bees with zombies. They are fighting zombies. Here they are fighting bees and working on survival. I want more of a story though. But for some this is enough, I just want more of a drama.
It was still a good story.
And maybe I missed something. I kind of got frustrated with the amount of characters and found myself skimming now and then.
Maybe I shouldn't be commenting if I wasn't attentive to your story. I chose to comment, sorry. Agani, it's good. And I liked the dialog in this by the way.

wow ... another bee script. And yellow jackets! Ack. And they are killer huge. Super ack.

This feels more like a game than a script...

I do not really root for any of the characters even though it's a fun ride through the story. Tons of action scenes made it a cool read. :)

Good job.

P4 I don't get the tone here, might be some kind of a light comedy perhaps…

Okay, a comedy for sure imo.

P5 a second group of characters, hmm, I already found the first group not properly introduced

P7 So, I summarize at this point that a community, held captive in a kind of beehive-office building, calls a party boat for help.

This is really absurd material, writer. There was a slight Ghostbusters-atmosphere, which I liked. The script is a "little bit" over the top for me. I would have liked a more direct way of storyline. It seems Clara went through a kind of recruiting process and became Captain of a ship. You spend too much time with that. Why not start on the party-boat and focus on a clear characterization and introduction, connected to the plot, which explains clearly: Our group is a special unit from Alaska that sails southward to free San Diego people who suffer from the bee apocalypse ---- "while entertaining us" same time.

The way you've chosen instead, to me, is a very complicated way of execution with f.i. giving so much dialogue and exposition to the office folks and showing their side. The script could be much more fun if this enjoyable, absurd world would be direct and touchable through the characters. So, I'd suggest we stay with the exterminator group all the time. As it is, the story does not flow well, same as my review here I believe :-). Nonetheless, there were some entertaining images, also points for craziness and taking risks.

Honeycomb Apocalypse - Apocalypse, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a nation overrun with giant mutated bees and wasps, it's up to team of young exterminators to rescue survivors and get some action on the side.

Rating: 3
Thoughts: Yeah!  Now we're talking.  A little outside-the-box.  I love ideas that I've never heard anything like before.  This is definitely that.


TITLE: Honeycomb Apocalypse

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 2

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.3