Hours of Darkness by Hunter Kosh - Thriller - Four teenage urban explorers from the suburbs must walk six miles through the dangerous ruins of Detroit to reach a pay phone to call for help after getting robbed in the city’s abandoned underbelly. 97 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I did like the sound of this from the logline. Read the first 10 pages and there are several formatting issues that are stopping me from reading any further. They are:

Quoted Text We finally see Packi: On the abandoned apartment building roof, high atop the Detroit skyline.     PACKI     I’m enjoying this beautiful day;     not holed up in my bedroom looking     at pornography.

From this point to the completion of dialogue between Packi and Cush, there is confusion in where the scene is set and which character is the (VO). Consider re-writing including either scene breaks or (VO) as required.

Quoted Text EXT. SCHOOL BUS -- CONTINUOUS Griff and Chris ride back home from the field trip.

This scene is not continuous from the previous scene so remove “CONTINUOUS”. Your usage of “CONTINUOUS” is problematic throughout (what I’ve read anyway), so this needs to be addressed.

Quoted Text EXT. SUBURBAN STREET -- DAY CHRIS and GRIFF walk home.

No need to capitalise Chris and Griff as they’ve already been introduced.

If you fix these issues, let me know as I’m keen to have another read.

Good luck…

Holy Moly Don!!!  SS is on a roll!!!!!  8)

Congrats!

Very, very cool

Brilliant...and well done!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Holy Moly Don!!!  SS is on a roll!!!!!  8)

Just received clarification from the writer.  This sale was the result of a pitch by the writer and was not picked up from SS.  

Still, pretty cool, tho.

Don