Mommy Loves You by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - A woman takes a baby to the airport. 5 pages

Trigger Warning - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm not 100% sure what is going on in the end .... I'm assuming that that baby is the same one that has been kidnapped and that Yvette is the one that did it. She only wanted a moment to 'feel' like a mother and is now calling the police on an unsuspecting woman? The blinking light I'm guessing is a tracking device, but not sure why it's there ... did Yvette place that there in case someone tried to take the baby again?


Regardless, it was a nice little story and if I'm correct with my assumption then I would love to see a bit more into Yvette, seems to be a good story there too.

Well done.

Well, if you're trying to get a rise out of people, you've certainly done that with this short. I guess the baby had a bomb in it and Yvette is some kind of terrorist? This is what I can only assume. Though, everything leading up to it didn't really connect with the ending, so the ending comes off as random. I figured she took the baby from the beginning based on the news report but at the same time she tells that woman the baby is four months and the report said the stolen baby was six months. So, I don't really know what to make of that.

You think there should be more conflict for Yvette? Internal conflict on whether she should kill this baby? It would definitely add some depth rather than just a cut and dry story of a lady using a baby to blow up an airport. But obviously, if that's exactly what you're going for, then I guess you accomplished what you set out to do. I personally would have liked to see more internal struggle for Yvette.

Thank you for your comments.  Yes, Yvette stole the baby, and she's using it to bomb the airport terminal.  Yet, she may or may not be able to complete the deal.  She sort of bonded with the little tyke.

Best
Richard

Richard,

Some awkwardly phrased passages here. How does one slide on a hat? Perhaps she slides on the sunglasses and puts on the hat. :)  So, not a bad story overall. I think you should consider adding more tension to this. Yvette was in that bathroom for a while, then out to her car and the woman watching the baby doesn't seem to show the slightest concern about where the mother is. That just doesn't sound right to me. Not only would that woman be worried, but thats a great chance to add that tension I mentioned. Worried glances around the airport, Yvette shuffling past her even...  Also, have her punch or don't punch in that last number, and give us a reason for it. IMO, that would make for a much more satisfying story if we learned a little about Yvette and her motivation behind doing this.

Steve

This was interesting, and I didnīt really see the twist coming, it surprised me, so good job with that.

I would suggest expanding on the last couple of pages from the moment she goes to the bathroom till the very end, tension is important, and itīs practiacally nonexistent on this one.

You said previously that Yvette became attached to the baby, and that internal conflict was not clear at all in my opinion. I think if you expanded more on that attachment she grew for the kid it would really elevate the story as it becomes more of a character piece, rather than just a shocking short.

I believe this has potential, if you tighten a lot of the tension, and internal conflict, I think it can be much greater.