The Cabin by Nathan Illsley - Thriller - Eight strangers wake up in an isolated cabin with no recollection of how they got there, their only insight being a short voice recording explaining that only one will be allowed to make it out alive. As the night goes on and the body count rises, the group realizes that they may be more connected than they know. 100 pages

Treatment - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very interesting premise, something definitely right up my alley. Hopefully I can get through this but I can give you some feedback on the first couple.

Code After a few moments, white writing fades in, one line at a time: “At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; Separated from law and justice, he is the worst. - Aristotle” It pauses for a few moments and then fades away. We stay on the black screen for another few seconds.

Is this a shooting script? If it isn't, it is way too specific, just worry about putting the quote, you really can't dictate the editing choices in an unproduced script.

Code MAN (CONT’D) Don’t be afraid. We’re all in the same situation, okay? We’re not gonna hurt you.

If we can see the man, give him the name already, even if he doesn't introduce himself to the main character till later (as he does a couple of lines later)

For the most part, writing is strong IMO.

I'm only five pages in, but this already rings very similar to SAW 2, strangers wake up in a random house, monitored by a man who wants them to pay for their sins? It's just the beginning, so it's Ok, just a thought.

Good job with the characters so far, they each already have their own way of saying things, they are easy to follow.

I really like the writing, and the premise is interesting, but also very overdone, I'm hoping there's some way you twist this around to make it your own. I might continue reading, I've been very busy lately.

Best of luck,
Luis

Nate has sold this script.

Congrats Nate!

So, I randomly glanced at the script. Next thing I know I'm reading the entire thing straight through on my phone while almost running into multiple people on the street not paying attention to where I'm going. You got mad talent. Best of luck with it!

Nate, congrats! That's got to a be record in terms of time posted and Option.

I'm only up to p38 and I can see why this was snapped up.

A Thriller/Horror that's plotted well with intrigue from the get go.

Imh, different enough to Saw. Characters already fleshed out from Act 1, with enough 'unknowns' to keep the suspense going. Pages fly by.

This may seem trivial, you're clearly an accomplished writer. With that in mind, take on board the 'lie/lay' rule. It's amazing how many writers get this wrong, so you're not alone.

Example: He watches as a pool of blood forms around the man as he lay
motionless on the ground.

The man lies in a pool of blood, not lay or lays.

There are a few ways to write this, but using yours:

He watches as a pool of blood forms around the man now lying motionless on the ground.

Quite a few instances of this throughout.

...his arms lay limp next to his body. lie limp
Cliff's body lays motionless...' lies motionless.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

Anyway, great job. I'm still reading...

...

too infatuated on what she sees
I'd use a word like: engrossed

8 tarot cards
eight tarot cards

Typo:
eventually jut puts them in her pocket. (just) p.59

jolts up the ladder,
bolts? up the ladder

I won't continue with the dissection. Will let you know re story when I'm done.

...
I just want add: Character names Karly and Karen, a bit too much alike imh.

Satisfying ending with Karly. Some of the best stories leave some things up in the air.
All the best with this.  :D

This is one of the first scripts, at least that I've noticed, to include a treatment. Wonder if that had any bearing on the script being read, and eventually, sold.

Very nice indeed

Just saw this on here, too bad I couldn't get to read the script before it was taken down, but I read the treatment and it sounds A LOT like Saw II, with a little bit of originality to it... But congrats on getting it sold, that's amazing