Better Than Never by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Comedy - A rush for an important luncheon turns out to be a hilarious disaster in traffic. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Brandon,

Disgusted, bewildered, vaguely humoured...some of my emotions during this read.

SPOILERS

You've got an interesting premise, a blind date between two newly found enemy's. That's actually quite strong, but to be honest most of the build up just passed me by, the real interest is at the dinner table post confrontation.

Gross out humour can work. Just because I don't particularly like the imagery of a jizz covered windscreen doesn't mean it's not going to work, I felt disgust, maybe that's what you were going for? Anyway, that's enough right there to ruin the blind date, there was just too much unnecessary confrontation on top of that.

Removing the additional pre-date sparring also cuts back on the intercut phone call, which was a bit of an awkward read. I think your formatting is correct for the phone conversation, but it was just a bit confusing on the paper, maybe search for another way around it.

Aside from the plot, you gotta check the typos. Jennifer was titled "Jeffifer" for a good part of the script, plus there were general typos and punctuation errors. Also, stick in some commas to break up the dialogue correctly. Again, as I've said elsewhere, if you just copy paste the script into Word before you finally publish it, you'll pick all of these little things out.

You can probably tell that in its current format, I'm not a fan right now. Weirdly, I kinda want to know what happened at the date, so that means you've got my curiosity, but unfortunately you've over done the build up so I've no idea what happened afterwards. That's my opinion anyway, if you do a re-write and fill in the end bits then let me know and I'll give it another read.

Cam

Quoted Text condum

If you're going to use it - you should spell it correctly.

Will there be a part two?