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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Series / N.E.T.Work
Posted by: Don, May 31st, 2017, 4:19pm
N.E.T.Work Episode 1 by Marcus BOZ Walton - Series - N.E.T.WORK acronym for Nobody Ever Tell and Boss is apart of this team. The scandal behind this is what moves this series. 7 pages - pdf, format
N.E.T.Work by N.E.T.WORK - Series, Drama - I am currently turning this into a web series and would like honest feedback to make this pleasurable for all viewers. 9 pages - pdf, format
[b]New writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: LuisAnthony, June 5th, 2017, 11:39am; Reply: 1
Hello, can I just say that I was very confused by the logline?
I'm not sure if English is your main language but i can see grammar mistakes right from the get go.
Code Both NINA and BOSS is
doing a lot of moaning and heavy breathing |
|
You need to be quick and efficient. Remember always replace "is ______" to just the verb alone. For example: "Nina is moaning", change to "Nina moans".
Code Boss is moaning as well as he grips the head board. |
|
Same thing here. And also, this line is completely unnecessary as you told us already just a line ago that Boss moans in unison with NINA.
Also, I've read the dialogue and it is very on-the-nose. It's just reads very unnatural and robotic. It is hard to give advice on this kind of thing, so I would just suggest to read more screenplays and watch more film.
Best of Luck,
Luis
Posted by: Warren, June 10th, 2017, 5:56am; Reply: 2
Hi Marcus,
So that just happened.
Not for me. All the characters, 2 men, and a woman sound exactly the same, gangsta. You need to try to give your charters individual voices to differentiate between them.
You didn't offend me in any way, but I though the language during the sex scene was vulgar and unnessasary.
This just kind of meandered along and then ended. The whole story, which didn't make a whole lot of sense, was told in some pretty bad, on the nose dialogue.
This is going to need a big reboot if you are planning on turning it into a series. I'm not sure where you plan to take it from here.
Good luck with it.
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