Ideal Truth by John Staats - Western - A murder trial results in conflicting eyewitness accounts and confessions. Whose truth is absolute and does it matter if the murderer confesses? 57 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi John,

I gave this a look, made it through the first 20.

I have to say that I'm not your ideal audience, I'm not a fan of westerns at all, so that really didn't help.

I'll give some notes on some things I noticed though.

I'm not a fan of an unorthodox title page, just keep it simple.

I feel like there is some over writing.

Note sure I have ever seen this before:

Quoted Text The pouch is an Apache amulet to protect against evil Note and is worn around the neck.

The note with a border around it? If a script is meant to be visual how will the reader know visually what this is?

This was confusing:

Quoted Text PREACHER There's never been anything so terrible. Never. This is worse than wars. Worse than...I don't know. DOC Hey, now, don't get all preachy on me...I just wanted to hear an amusing little story while I wait out the storm...if you're going to start preaching, I think I'd rather go sit and listen to the rain.

The Preacher only said 4 lines, it wasn't preachy at all.

Your O/S should be V/O's when you go back into the past. Off screen implies exactly what it says, that the person talking is in the scene but not on screen. This would be a voice over.

I still have no idea what this woman looks like:

Quoted Text Followed by the Captain is a beautiful WOMAN (late 20's). Heavenly and angelic.

Heavenly and angelic? So what does she look like?

This may very well turn into a great script but I wasn't hooked by page 20 and that's a problem, again though, I don't like westerns.

I know you said that you thought this could be padded out to make a feature but I still think you are going to fall short at only 51 pages.

Sorry it wasn't more positive. Hopefully someone that appreciates westerns will give it a read, or you could always do a feature exchange with someone.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks for the read, Warren. Yeah, I caught the issue with the O.S./V.O. and have since corrected it in my working revision. Agree too that interaction with the Preacher was clunky.

The description of each character can definitely be worked on as well. Each version of the truth would have subtle differences from their memories.

I appreciate your time and comments!

JE - had a chance to get through the first five - all in all pretty good stuff. In addition to the comments that Warren had (which I agree with) there are some minor - nitty - issues on your opening page.

Quoted Text EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY SUPER: Arizona Territory - 1862

Some peeps may disagree, but to me, the SUPER should not appear before there is at least some action or description. i.e., it is the text is displayed over an image when we enter the scene. So I would go with.

EXT. DIRT ROAD - DAY

It is an epic mid-summer monsoon of biblical proportion. The
dark sky is frequently ripped apart with sheet lightning.

SUPER: Arizona Territory - 1862

Quoted Text It is an epic mid-summer monsoon of biblical proportion. The dark sky is frequently ripped apart with sheet lightning.

The "it is" is a bit clumsy to me. Also don't think you need Epic and biblical. I think it reads better without it - something like

A monsoon of biblical proportion floods the road. The
dark sky is frequently ripped apart with sheet lightning.

Quoted Text The wagon rolls down main street. Not a single person is in sight during the deluge. The town looks deserted. Near the center of town stands the old dead skeleton of a cottonwood tree.

Don't you need a new scene heading here? He starts out in the desert and now is in Rosemont.

Anyway - like I said, nit issues. You do paint a very effective picture of the setting. It felt authentic.

Hi Dave -

Thanks for the read and comments. No argument from me on your points and suggestions. Definitely correct that there should be a new scene heading when he enters the town.

If this were ever to be produced, I would hope that the Producer/Director would understand how visual this would play out. Each testimonial would vary dramatically, from high-contract to B&W to surreal imagery, and so on. A testimonial could even by animated as in Sin City. It could have a very high 'cool' factor.

Thanks again,
John

No problem - glad they helped - I agree - there is a lot of cool imagery to play around with here.

Hi, John,

First script of yours I read.

The primary thing that prompted me to read your script was the pages. I was curious to know how you managed to meltdown a feature western in just 57 pages, so I read it pretty quick. And it was fun to read. The story and your writing held my attention through out the read and urged me to know about the real TRUTH.

Quoted Text An epic mid-summer monsoon reigns over the desert in a grandtorrent.

I don't get as to how a monsoon weather be sketched as 'epic'. Just didn't seem fit to me.

The story was riveting and you made sure that the suspense/reveal was correctly extolled in every page so as to levitate the readers with anticipation. The characters were also nicely drawn and interesting but somewhere their demeanours seemed redundant. Specially, the Sheriff. He seemed off-beat during the court trial, which was a surprise to me. For the character description( which is more or less absent here), I don't care much for it. It gives director an upper hand in selecting their own versions of characters as per their storyboard. Which truly reflects,  just provide enough so that they can start.

Talking about the ending, it felt a bit lacking in substance. I get that you went with a noir-western style story but it lacked a sense of satisfaction to me. The whole version of Jackson's story( assuming it to be the real truth) felt a bit tame since the Captain suddenly acted like a coward and berated his wife. It felt unreal to me citing the scenario all three of them were in. The Woman at first acting hysterically and prompting the men to fight -- runs away when here husband dies. I mean did she hoped her husband's survival? If she did, good for her. At least she had some remnants of faith in him but her husband had already disowned her. It was a useless strategy. Then what about the bounty hunter? I don't understand his presence at the end. Why he wanted to kill Tuco? And the man who was riding opposite Doc's cart( in the opening scene), was he Tuco? I couldn't tell.

The reveal was delibrate, I liked it. Selfish Jackson. But honestly, what he could have done anyways.      

For 57 page script, this was a nice story to read( keeping aside some logical issues). Hope you might take a peek in my feedback( posted 3 years later, lol) and find it useful.

Good luck.

Geez, just noticed your feedback! Been all caught up in the last OWC and the upcoming WT....

The page length is interesting at 57, for sure. It seems short without writing direction into the script but there would be a lot of scenes with no dialogue and contemplation (my thoughts, anyway). This was only my second attempt at a feature and should definitely be revisited/revised.

The story is all about perspective and personal bias. Everyone sees either what they want to see or their interpretation of what they see. Depending on who is telling the story, a director could change filters, clothing, mannerisms, etc. to elaborate and expound the version. Even Jackson's description is interpretive.

The bounty hunter didn't want to kill Tuco, he was intentionally shooting the rope to perform the same ruse in the next town for more reward (see The Good, The Bad and The Ugly).

Thanks again for the feedback. I'm definitely going to revisit this...sometime.

Quoted from JEStaats Geez, just noticed your feedback! Been all caught up in the last OWC and the upcoming WT.... The page length is interesting at 57, for sure. It seems short without writing direction into the script but there would be a lot of scenes with no dialogue and contemplation (my thoughts, anyway). This was only my second attempt at a feature and should definitely be revisited/revised. The story is all about perspective and personal bias. Everyone sees either what they want to see or their interpretation of what they see. Depending on who is telling the story, a director could change filters, clothing, mannerisms, etc. to elaborate and expound the version. Even Jackson's description is interpretive. The bounty hunter didn't want to kill Tuco, he was intentionally shooting the rope to perform the same ruse in the next town for more reward (see The Good, The Bad and The Ugly). Thanks again for the feedback. I'm definitely going to revisit this...sometime.

My pleasure. Good luck.