Hello, here's some feedback.
I like the concept, but look over the logline, there are punctuation mistakes.
Code Frantic banging on the front door |
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Remember to capitalize sounds. "Franctic BANGING on the front door"
Code Jona snaps his arm free from Ben |
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I would advise for you to change "snaps" for something else, it doesn't read right for the kind of action you're trying to convey. Unless he actually does snap his arm.
There are a couple of lines that seem unnatural and too exposition heavy.
Code BEN
To get a better life you have to
be willing to do anything. I'm
willing |
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This is an example. There's gotta be a better way to reveal his motives, rather than just throwing everything on the dialogue right on the second page. It just feels too obvious.
Code I saved him, I want something for
that, but I'm not going to get
anything unless I ask for it.
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See, here we already get a look into his psyche, and this line isn't forced like the last one. As the story progresses, if the writing is solid enough, we will know everything you want us to know about the character, don't sandwich in his motives through expository dialogue. I would advice you to keep this line, and get rid of the previous one mentioned.
There are run-on sentences on your action lines, I would advise checking.
This was interesting, but there's got to be a better way to deliver this story. Polish the dialogue, action lines, characters. A lot of what the characters did seemed really unreasonable to me, especially with Chelsea. It just feels like there are abrupt switches in personality, and no crescendo towards that shift.
Something that I found fascinating is the idea that heroes get nothing for being heroes, he saved this man, and he believes he needs something in return, I like that. I just feel like you needed more of that displayed in his motives, and also see how the siblings react to this kind of mentality. It would've sold the script much more.
Don't take the criticism too personal, there are many of us here with different opinions.
Good luck,
Luis