Fallen Warrior by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - The father of a fallen solider plans revenge on the general who he sees as responsible for his son's death. One location, two characters. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon,

Clever little short, I quite liked it.

One thing, when you address someone in dialogue you need to use a comma, for example: good morning, sir. You miss these every time.

SPOILER

The only massive problem is that you give away the twist too soon and it kills the story. Don't say that it's fake blood, let the reader believe it's real as well. This would have been way more effective if we found out the son was still alive after Stephen had shot Mike.

Change that and fix the grammar issues and I think you have a good one here.

Best of luck.

Hey Simon,

Yep what Warren said regarding typos and dialogue punctuation, that's an issue. Also the blood thing, the reveal needs fixed.

Other issues. Set the scene. You don't really give any thorough descriptions of the settings. They're outside a house, then in a kitchen, then a front room, but you haven't given any indication as to what they look like. Even if it's brief it would help create a more visual work.

Also, James as a character just appears as a name, and hasn't really received any form of introduction, need to tidy this bit up.

Once you've fixed up the issues, I reckon you've got a nice wee drama here, just needs a little bit more work.

Cam

Some notes.

The others have addressed the typos and grammar problems.  For me, there's not enough setup for the payoff.  First, I've never seen anyone on burial detail who was armed.  They sometimes give 21 gun salutes, but those are blanks.  No hand guns.  And the ending is too easy to guess.  

you might try the opposite approach.  Mike is dressed in his old uniform.  He shakes hands.  He gives the soldier a drink.  He asks questions about his son's last mission.  He's totally cooperative--until he's not.  Mike pulls a pistol and forces Stephen to watch the fake beheading.  Stephen disarms the old Mike, and you have your murder.  Or, you can take it a step further.  It's not a video, it's a live feed, and it sure looks like the kid is about to die right in front of dad.  Stephen has to act.  In any case, I think you might get more milage with a Mike that goes from nice to murderous.

Best
Richard