Android Love by Robert A. Braverman - Short, Sci Fi - Space Travelers become stranded on a Alien planet, their Android finds tragic love before finding a way back to their ship for all. 8 pages  - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Robert,

There is a kind of cute story here, but it is hidden under a pile of mistakes.

Formatting issues, grammar issues, just plain sloppy writing like not starting a sentence with a capital letter.

You have a lot of action in your dialogue. There are way, way to many wrylies, and most of them are action anyway.

No need to number the scenes. No need for a colon after character names.

The dialogue also bounces around a fair bit and becomes confusing.

Like I said, I got the main theme and I liked it but man does this need a massive clean up.

Good luck with it.

Robert,

I'll echo what Warren said as well.  But I didn't really follow what was going on.  I was focusing so much on the wrylies, and it was slowing down my read, then I wasn't following at all what was happening.  The only thing I really knew was that they were on a different planet.  Turn those wrylies into action lines and the read becomes instantly easier to get through.  

If people are like me, they're going to get lost in all that confusion and could be missing a good story.  As a writer, that's something you certainly don't want.

Good luck.

Nolan