SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts / Claw and His Madness
Posted by: Don, June 24th, 2017, 6:26pm
Claw and His Madness by David Lach - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The Lord´s son Claw reflects on the last couple of years of his life while at dinner with his family - a dinner that doesn´t go as planned. 20 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, June 26th, 2017, 7:07pm; Reply: 1
David - some of the dialogue is interesting - but you need to tidy this up. Right out of the gate:
Quoted Text
The found of footsteps on a stone floor.
Sound
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At a table - Claw´s father and one of his brothers. The other brother pours himself wine at a sideboard. This is AUKE (26). Their father stops laughing.
One of his brothers is an unfilmable - handle this in dialogue somewhere.
Quoted Text
FLASHBACK, EIGHT YEARS AGO. EXT. AT A RIVERSIDE - DAY
Younger Claw sitting on a grass covered riverbank. In the background, a forest. Claw looks at his feet
Not really the right format. Maybe something like:
FLASHBACK - AT A RIVERSIDE - DAY
Younger Claw sitting on a grass covered riverbank. In the background, a forest. Claw looks at his feet
SUPER: EIGHT YEARS AGO
Anyway - just based on the first few pages, I think you should re-review/clean-up. I do like your dialogue.