Dirt Wolf by Chaseton Ennis - Short, Drama, Horror - A company paintball trip goes wrong for Allen when he stumbles upon a body in the woods. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Chaseton,

Didn't do a whole lot for me.

A fair few grammatical errors and typos that should be easy to spot on another read through.

I thought this was long at 7 pages for a payoff that essentially has nothing to do with the story. You have some random backstory about a company function and a class action lawsuit or whatever but nothing at all to explain the ending. I realise it's meant to be a twist, but this feels less like a twist and more like a sudden change in direction, which I guess is what a twist is, but hopefully you know what I mean.

I'd be interested to see how others feel about it.

All the best.

Thanks for the read.

I actual intend to direct this myself in the Fall after I graduate. Trying to capture an intense atmosphere.

There was actually suppose to be a story about the company stuff and the dead bodies but I dropped it and went with this ending in order to have an easier time filming. Lazy, I know...

Still not good with catching those grammatical errors, sigh. (Just spotted one)

I'll send you a link once I finish the film if you want.

Thanks again for the read.

Hey, Chase:

Quoted Text EXT.WOODS - DAY

You need a space between "EXT." and WOODS - you have this issue in each scene heading.

Quoted Text Allen takes of the mans mask. He then immediately gabs his

typos - should be man's and should be grabs

Quoted Text OPERATOR (V.O.) Yes Fast-Paintball in warren county. We’re receiving the coordinates from your phone-- I’m

Typo - should be Warren County

Quoted Text OPERATOR (V.O.) In the mean time can you describe his wound sir?

Comma needed before sir. - This is a problem throughout

Quoted Text ALLEN It was a company trip. I work for Euler Petroleum and it was just a company trip. I have a trial that I’ll be attending this week. It’s a class action lawsuit.

Way too on the nose - why would he be sharing details about the type of lawsuit? Not natural conversation given his situation.

Quoted Text OPERATOR (V.O.) Okay sir, I’m gonna need you to contact your friends at the base and see if they can assist you. I will also do the same. Keep your phone ready and stay calm

Do the same?? The Operator is going to contact his friends at the base? How? Did you mean he is going to be sending someone...?

Quoted Text He pulls out his phone. Twenty missed calls and five texts.

What??? His battery was dying hours ago - now it's night time and he still has power??

Story wise I didn't quite get it. A Class Action lawyer out with his friends...ultimately has nothing to do with the ending. Why mess with these details if they have no bearing on the story.  Maybe if he was a Big Game Hunter or something where there was some irony in his predicament.

Anyway - not for me. But I do wish you the best of luck with it.

Yeah PM me the link when it's done, I'll take a look.

Thanks Dave. I got rid of the trial stuff and added battery percentages for a better feel.

I still stand behind this visually but I'll see how it turns out.

You're welcome - best of luck

Some notes.

I find this one lacking in set up.  Most of what goes on in the beginning has little bearing on how this one ends.  The guy doesn't need to be an attorney since that doesn't matter, and none of the others come into play.  You might consider some kind of setup--these woods are haunted, three people died  here last year, four people disappeared, etc.  Otherwise, it a random demon on the prowl.  In the movie PREDATOR, the predator returns on a regular schedule, and they locals know it.  While the outsiders don't believe, it's still true.  

Best
Richard

Hi,

Just read the script and it seems like it could be an entertaining short. You probably want to do a lot with the visual and sound design, which makes sense. A lot of horror can be created with a simple story and great filmmaking.

However, I think the ending is quite abrupt and doesn't really pertain to anything that has happened. Hopefully you don't think my notes are changing the script into something else entirely (not my intention) but using some of the elements you've already set up.

Perhaps, instead of Allen continuing into the woods alone, you could have either one of the men accompany him. And have the man make the phone call to the police while Allen checks the surroundings (they would be paranoid after finding a corpse). Once the man is done with the police, you can have the dialogue happen between the two characters rather than Allen talking into a phone.

Maybe that way you can link the man with the creature who shows up at the end. Either that the man slowly turns on Allen (and when the creature is shown it is either wearing or has some trait similar to the man) or the man is supplying people for the creature. It also connects with the "cheating" the man accuses Allen of by hiding during paintball.

Once again, hope you don't think I'm rewriting rather than offering some advice, but you have a potentially atmospheric short and if you can boost the paranoia and link the creature to the events it could be even better.

Thanks for the notes guys.

I understand the Predator case study but I feel like a lot of material goes through those motions. I also didn't want it to be too long so it kinda escalates rather quickly. Again, I will be doing this one myself and believe in the atmosphere I could potentially create. (Will be shot on a RED ONE with Carl Zeiss Ultra Primes)

Thanks again.

Hey Chaseton,

Not sure what you're trying to say with this piece. Whether it's a short or a feature, a film conveys a message. Usually in the case of deaths it's the individual's hubris that is their downfall - i.e., they ignore telltale signs, or legends, etc.

I agree with the reviewer that said you should set these woods up to be haunted.

Also agree that there are a lot of details here that are unrelated and extraneous. Does it have to be paintball? You use about 20% of your screen time showing the stalking and 'killing' in the game, and the bantering afterwards. Is it necessary? Could we not just have Allen in paintball gear, on his own, find the body?

And are the wounds of the dead man as described by Allen consistent with a demon attack?

You mention Warren County so I'm wondering if you're referencing the legend of the Jersey Devil.

I appreciate that you're going to film this on your own. My advice to you would be to ask yourself what you're trying to convey.

Thanks for the read ajr.

I got rid of the extra stuff and will upload the revised version.

I purposely wanted the stalking paintball scene and the banter to offset the tone shift in the second half. I feel it makes the visually punch in the second half that much more as opposed to just starting with Allen finding the dead body.

I never even thought about referencing the Jersey Devil. That's a pretty intriguing idea. Though Warren county was a random name,  I could change it to the Pine Barrens. (Went canoeing there once myself)

For this, I'm really just trying to work on my director skill set (framing, emotion, atmosphere, etc.). I'll pretty much tackle any drama or thriller.

There's another script that I want to get made. Any chance I can PM you for a reading exchange? It's not on the site.

Thanks again.

Sure, PM me.

Regarding this short, I would just caution you that unless you've built up big time carte blanche to indulge yourself in atmosphere, ala, say, Terence Malick, story is still King, and you must deliver one that's worth the viewer devoting their time.