John Lennon's Heaven by Anthony Russo (ajrscreenworks) - Drama - A devout yet corrupt minister finds Heaven the stuff of his worst nightmares, while his absence causes his family to spiral out of control. 110 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A.J., am I mistaken or wasn't this already on the boards a long time ago? I feel like it was here, but maybe I just saw it listed in your signature as an "upcoming". Don't mean to derail.

Hey Sean, thanks. This was a short a long time ago, and I decided to try it as a feature length drama.

The logline doesn't qualify because I don't understand it :-), which I think is a valid argument when  judging a logline.

"finds Heaven the stuff of his worst nightmares, while his absence"

especially this part

IMO this logline costs you reads.

I just can hardly suggest you putting a lot of work in there to explain as precisely as possible what happens in your script.

That said I'm not a Beatles fan nor do I have much knowledge of the band. But I'm open to new and I can also understand a story about an artist as big as John Lennon could be able to awaken a lot of public interest.  

Okay as I go:

Page one originally shouldn't have a number.

Page 2 problems with the sluglines, could be clearer and easier to distinguish

P22 why I should I have to

P30 we can't
we come

P67
He/his

97
Interchanged Gerald and Bianca


Whhaaaaaaat?

I read the script in one sitting. And it's a very, very specific story in all areas.

Three things do not work (at all imo): title, logline, the story's very ending.

Otherwise this screenplay is crazy. It's that kind of stuff I imagine everybody has his or her own opinion on, what by the way beautifully mirrors the story.

In first act I feared you walk too much along a conservative, reactionary one-sided sight, making Christian belief the central point without calling it into question or sth., as you fortunately later successfully do, actually calling a lot into question. You might be too repetitive here with Albert hammering his lines over and over. In this case, I just hope you can hold the interest of some industry readers who, by nature, are more liberal, agnostic personalities I think. It's risky to push that far when you know the characteristics of the people of your movie market. You know, the only religious, spiritual things they do is show Morgan Freeman as god in a white suit or otherwise a bloody epos with sfx. So perhaps you come across too spiritual-aiming in first act.

In the mid I could perfectly imagine it for the stage.

Terrific rhythm and dramaturgy for my taste.

Crazy stuff.

Thanks for the read PM, let me know if you have anything posted, I'd be happy to take a look. And thanks for catching those little bobbles, will get them fixed right away...

I'll look into test-driving the logline on the 'review my logline' thread. As for the title, yeah, it's really not about John Lennon at all, and that sometimes confuses people. The inspiration for this was his song IMAGINE, so I tried to flesh out an other-world that conformed to Lennon's beliefs. I bookended the script with a quote from Einstein and a quote from Lennon, on matter and religion respectively, and with the words in between I try to synthesize their views.

And yes, Albert comes off very dogmatic, as his world, or after-world, has been rocked to his very core, and he repeats it like a mantra in order to stay in control.

As for the ending, not sure which part you're referring to, however I thought that Albert, Anna, AJ and Mary got the ending they deserved. Certainly Bianca and Gerard did not, as they were victimized by the sins of the father, however I see them as living a less restricted, more carefree life now that they are free from their chains.

In the end I wanted to deliver Lennon's message, which was love, respect and tolerance. I'll leave it to others as to whether I succeeded. I'm very open to suggestions on this one. Again, thanks very much for checking it out.

(So funny that you mentioned Morgan Freeman - I thought his company would be perfect for this, however they won't accept submissions from unrepresented writers. And when it was a short script I did have a stage version of it; so glad you see it that way too, perhaps I should work on adapting the feature version as well.)  AJR

"And thanks for catching those little bobbles, will get them fixed right away..."

It's really tidy. Probably a few typos slipped through because I just wanted to read on. However, the script is really very tidy. I also liked the style throughout.

Your general ending makes perfect sense, only the last impression/shot felt a bit off because the ironic, super-clever undertone there didn't do justice to the depth of the story and our personal experience. There need to be true feelings, not a pointed conceptual decision. << just my personal view when reading. You know I liked the script.

At this place there, you shouldn't forget that your script still deals with one of the, probably even the most important, question we people face during our lifetime from childhood to the deathbed.

And exactly this conceptual decision there is what I equally dislike about the title. You just sell it short there. Sure, the Lennon part has a fine impact, as all the other theories and historical happenings that you use like science, cultural leaders, quotations, religion, philosophy, history and all that massive fine presented knowledge…  

The overall experience is still much more personal to your reader than simply taking an eloquent designed title and putting it over it.

The feelings the audience lives through are real, and while following the story, we same time reflect who we are ourselves and how we see those questions about where we once are going to. It's a natural process of identification in a movie. Every one of us thinks about it anyway and they will while watching. Even all those who think there's a definite non-existence coming in the end, from time to time turn into an agnostic of their own specific theory here -- for f*** sure they do. Just compare it to the liar truth theory you perfectly laid out... there's no way out when it comes to those questions.

And this was actually the beauty of your script in my eyes. To experience a good story around the very big fat monster that's behind all of our today's imagination.

I really want to help you actually. Whatever I said might be right or wrong, so just use what is useful there.  However I have one definite tip that you may or may not consider later, just think about at some point-> Here YOUR statement about YOUR title: "it's really not about John Lennon at all, and that sometimes confuses people"

I mean, I read it, and all characters are constantly crying in the last fifteen, twenty pages. Is it about John Lennon or about something that connects to our personal, deep feelings?

Just reread your exact statement about the title at some point.

Best of luck.

Thanks PM, I really appreciate the kind words and the opinions.

Re; the last shot. Yeah, I agree, that's the writer definitely removing all doubt. I could make it ambiguous I suppose and leave room for other interpretations. I thought it best while I was writing to twist the knife a bit more. In one sense, I didn't want this piece to be magical. I wanted a scientific examination which could then be debated. So the choice felt right. I'll think about it though...

Re; the title. On one hand, it's meant to be provocative. I like the way the words flow. In fact if you google it, a lot of articles have been written on his view on the subject. When I said it confuses people, I meant that, for example, there was this one producer who said 'oh great, I'll read it, I love John Lennon', at which point I have to explain that it's not story ABOUT Lennon, it's about his view on things as put forth in IMAGINE.  I do make Mary reference him late in the piece to try to tie it all together. But hey, the fact that we're debating it must mean that it bears further examination.

Again, glad you took something out of this, and please PM me if I can ever return the favor.

Anthony, so that you know - I'm working on it, on p25 right now. It's a smooth read, I just want to be done with the OWC entry first, so the OWC slows me down a bit, sorry.

Khamanna, no rush at all. I won't be participating in the OWC because I have work and family commitments, so I also won't be able to finish SUPERS for a bit. I appreciate you taking a look!

Anthony - had a chance to get through the first ten while in between other writing chores:

Solid writing for the most part - crisp and clean and an interest generator from the start. Good job.

A few nit issues.

Quoted Text A shrill, continuous BEEP pierces the room. His breaths become shallow and rapid... until they cease.

I would flip these - i.e., shallow breath first - the flat-line beep second. i.e., the beep is when he dies - so he wouldn't be breathing.

Quoted Text INT. ROOM - DAY A dim, rectangular windowless chamber, reminiscent of a police interrogation room, pulses with energy.

I would give the scene heading a little more pop. It is used many times in the subsequent scenes and a reader may not carry the description forward in their mind as they read on.

Maybe: CHAMBER ROOM or AFTER LIFE ROOM - something other than just room.

Quoted Text The nurse taps on Albert's morphine I.V. drip. Albert opens his eyes and lets out a deep rasp...

The above confused me. I thought he was dead.

Anyway - just nits - very solid writing.

Thanks Dave for checking it out. I'll look into what you suggest in a rewrite.

I was trying to be non-linear with Albert's gasp and give the director a 'moment' to show how he crosses over, however I can see where it could be confusing. Thanks again.

No problem - best of luck - this has solid bones

Hi again, Anthony.

That was quite some story. Overall it works very well for me. I read it with interest and I wouldn’t pull away if not for the current OWC.

Now, you know it’s dialog heavy and it’s repetition heavy. The repetitions of Mary and Alberts to and fro worked very well for me. But I think it works on paper but it wouldn’t leave the same impression on me if this was screened.
Logically I think that if you submit it to comps – the judges might think it’s too artsy and not visual enough to be in the finals – although I can’t know.
If you start submitting it to directors – they’ll be needing a pretty strong actor for that and they’ll be apprehensive to film something that’s lacking visuals.
And you know how it is today – people react mostly to action, color and sounds, but not actual words.

So this story is comprised out of two stories.

Albert and Mary and their talk of afterlife is one.

The second one is about his family.

I’ll treat these two parts separately. But at the same time I’ll say this:
Albert and Mary’s interaction is merely dialog. It would be good if the other part of the story was heavily packed with action. I don’t mean with action action but you get the point. The stuff that starts later after the funeral part was for way too long. What page does it end? It ends very late. And after that there are series of talks and glances between Gerard and A.J. and Jason and Becca. I don’t mean the part when she tells Jason to keep off (and I’ll get to that later) – this part is in fact packed with action. Before that it was a lot of blank scenes that need to be amped both with conflict and something more, so that when you move from it to Albert with Mary we were relieved and ready to listen some more to their interesting discussion.

Albert and Mary:
So, there are several turning points here for me. The first one when I learn she’s from another planet. I know she hinted on it (kind of) before but she hits it squarely on p41. That kills the excitement for me – although I suspected, I didn’t know. Maybe she has to hint on it some more? I’d like to get prepared to this kind of news. – otherwise it turns to a heavy handed fantasy flick for me all.  Later when she talks more about their world and their God – it all sounds normal, I think because I’m prepared and already used to the idea. So I think she has to deliver it earlier. It also would be good to introduce this turning point earlier.
Because already on p25 I wrote “the go around in circles and I’m afraid I lost understanding of what they are saying”. Up to p41 they she was mostly asking him to forget his belief system and start listening to her and he was asking why he has to do that. And it went for very long. Although the flow of it is terrific and all of what they said did make perfect sense to me and I didn’t want to pull off for a little bit. But still… I think you have to introduce the turning point earlier.

(by the way sometimes you introduce cultural pieces of info like Star Trek and it sounds like I had to watch it prior to watching your movie otherwise I loose a clue of what they are talking about. “move among the others, who look frozen” – I don’t understand that about her and that’s the way she wants to convey to him a piece of information about herself. So I’m curious to know what she’s saying there and I don’t know)

The second turning point is on p54. There’s new info – what she thinks of the Bible and Christianity. So, I wrote “scratch everything I said before,  this is excellent”. But later I sat down to think and decided that it was a turning point in their dialog that made me excited. I think that it came timely, but if you push the first turning point to an earlier page, you’ll have this one come early as well.

The third turning point is her own belief system. She talks about it. And she tells us how Albert is there – he is a doubter. He read a book that contradicts his faith and it made him doubt.

The fourth turning point for me is when she starts talking about Albert and we are sure now that he’s not a good man and it’s not just what his wife or kids think, it’s proven by the universe.

And the last turning point is when Peter comes, I guess. And she tells him she’s leaving.

So, I think you could start hitting all these much earlier and at regular intervals, to keep us interested. I was interested in what I was reading but I don’t know how it would translate to the screen (I said it at the beginning)

By the way, IMO you also need to pace the whole to and fro thing. To and fro between “Albert and Mary” and “his family” – at first it’s large pieced of dialog and a few pages on his family. The scenes shorten towards the end but unevenly. Sometimes it’s very short scenes on Albert and Mary like on p108 (this one definitely doesn’t work for me) or the scene in Martignetti home on p82.

A few notes:

Albert’s piece of dialog doesn’t flow for some reason on the very bottom of page 90.  (starting with “you’re wrong”) Kind of hard to hear him in my head. Maybe shorten it or something.
Peter – St. Peter? Isn’t that too much? Not sure about it.
P99 “we can’t communicate in our language” – for me this is OTN
P101,102 – the interaction between Mary and Peter is not very natural I’d say. Too many “Oh my darling” – make them sound like the Casablanca characters.

Now switching to his family and kids.

This part is easier for me to understand, relate and discuss, so I have quite a few notes on them for you. Let me continue with it in the next post.

Khamanna, thank you so much for the detailed notes!

As I said to Sean earlier, this started as a short on SS, where the main action was between the two characters in the room, and the family was window-dressing exposition. I decided to give the family a back story and see if I could illuminate my themes further through their behavior. (And originally the role of MARY was a male, known only as THE CREATOR. I decided it would be fun to switch the genders - one more thing to rankle Albert with.)

Yes, in general, I gave myself a challenge in writing this. Which was to stay in a room with the two main characters, and have their interaction be enough without having it come off like a stage play. You're probably correct, at 110 pages it may be too long, and a haircut would allow me to get to some of the points that you mentioned sooner. And some of the people who have read this feature version have remarked about its potential non-theatricality. Though now that I see movies like FENCES getting a big screen treatment, I'm more encouraged.

Looking forward to the rest of your comments. One thing I can say though is that Mary is definitely not from another planet. If I conveyed that, I'll have to look into it and write it more clearly.

And yes, MARY and PETER are probably heavy-handed. I chose those names as yet another jab, to turn the iconography on its ear a bit. And yes their dialogue in hindsight is probably a bit stilted. Trying to write for a culture that is not of modern day Earth is another challenge.

Thanks again - AJR

Here's the rest of it.
I must say I enjoyed the script. Good luck in the rewrite - in case if you do any.


Regarding Mary not being from another planet – here’s what tripped me “My planet was very Earth-like. There were many similarities” etc etc. If you amend that piece I think it’s going to be fine because she talks about coexisting interdimensionally. That’s a different thing and makes much better sense.

About the family
I didn’t like the funeral – there were no new events for very long for me, it looked like a constant mourning without any additional info for quite a few pages. On p31 I started complaining, made a note of the scenes being stagnant.

Then on p33 I see A.J. and Gerard are talking and it sounds like they are in conflict with each other. I like that, but the talk is vague, I don’t get them and they are not proactive in any way. I suggest they were discussing something. Something concret related to family affairs – not Bianca and her boyfriend, but maybe financial situation. Maybe both want to take care of finances because both consider himself a man of the family. Maybe they argue about paying for the service or the kind of service they should have had. A.J. may not want to accept Gerard’s money.

I want to see more resistance from Gerard. Let him talk about God, he did some, even provided his father with the book. I wish the book came up earlier on the pages though.

I wish there were more conflict overall.
Don’t know what to suggest here in particular, maybe Gerard suspects A.J. A.J. has a different orientation, he’s seeing someone and it’s very strange that no one in the family doesn’t know. Just a silly suggestion – maybe it’ll spring up other ideas.
P45 “middle child” line was kind of on the nose for me.

Actually no one in this family knows about each other except Anna about Albert. They don’t know about A.J. I don’t know how much they know about Bianca. Gerard deals pot – I got it that they know about that. Anna has a lover – they don’t know about this. And the fact that Albert had several mistresses – I don’t know how that’s possible for them not have a clue.  

P49 – Bianca’s dialog, her not wanting her dad “to know” because he can see them now – that doesn’t ring true. And her lines are not the best, I doubted her all the time. And then she suddenly changes her mind when Jason didn’t even ask her to, takes Xantax – all kind of hard to buy into for me. Maybe I’m not a Christian and I have no idea what it’s to be raised in a family of a minister. But since it’s happening today – I don’t know.

And Jason didn’t even kiss her when she started all that on her own, it’s as if she waited for her father’s death to have sex.
Maybe he should kiss her. That would make it more visual as well.

On p62 I have “an Amish to talk like that, not her, even if she’s a minister’s daughter”
P73 – Larry the villain – he’s one dimensional for me. Curt too. Maybe she should start seeing Jason from the very beginning. And if she didn’t share the fact she was a virgin, and it’s their night with Jason – it would have made it better I think.
IMO those one-dimensional bad people – they are hard to believe in.
P78 “Gerard makes two fists. Shakes them violently” this and what he says later – doesn’t flow for me for some reason.
P94 bottom – “You keep opening Daddy’s checkbook” – even a villain can’t be this stupid to say something like that to a suicidal person at a moment like this.

A.J. is doing this because Dad can see him – again I don’t know about this.
This argument don’t work for me in both cases. See what the other got to say, but for me it’s a firm no. I don’t know what to suggest here either, don’t think you can omit that either.

Overall, I see a lot of good conflict and a lot of action later on the pages – and I like that. I liked later scenes a lot – Bianca being violated, Gerard and Anna, A.J.’s affairs (especially A.J.). I think you better move all that to earlier scenes. I’d also want to see the conflict as soon as you introduce them.

Albert and Mary’s exchange intervened with  conflicting  situation in his house, with something happening in his house. And something that happens in his house has to do with God – and you do have that throughout.

Thanks Khamanna, that's a good catch with Mary. I think I should change the world 'planet' to 'world'...

Definitely going to do a rewrite, I view each of the character's stories as fluid and they need to serve the overall narrative and theme. Bianca's big for me as you noted - I want to show that she's big-time messed up not only by being daddy's little girl and wanting for nothing, but by all the dogma she's been fed. I have met literal interpreters of the Bible before, and they are an interesting group. Not sure they are as far out there as Bianca, but... something I will definitely look into.

A.J.'s not motivated by the same things that Bianca is - he's being crushed by the weight of taking over, and he feels it's not long before he's discovered, because he can't hide in the background any longer. He also feels guilt over participating in Albert's schemes.

Yes, I agree, this is a family that doesn't talk to each other much... (0:  Their lives (except for Gerard) center around the Church because it's given them everything.

Thanks once again, lot of food for thought, and please let me know when the rewrite of SUPERS is up! AJR

Read first 30. Here are my page by page notes. You've raised interesting questions but I'm not sure they're being answered fast enough for my liking (different strokes I suppose).  Also there are some formatting choices that make the story harder to follow IMHO.


Pg 1. What is that font? Haven't even read a word and I'm a bit concerned. It's jarring and some might see it as unprofessional. Don't know if it's the program you're using but the fix seems simple enough. The slugs are in the correct font which makes it that much more strange to me.

1. There are so many detailed descriptions are they all necessary? I don't know but I'm slightly concerned that nothing has happened in the first page.

3. Mary asks with her eyes if it's okay to begin.

The nits may take you to the woodshed over this line.

5. Albert takes a cleansing breath.

What is a cleansing breath? How is it different than a regular breath?

6. Albert oesn't sound very minister-ry. Maybe this is intentional but I'd expect a hail Mary or forgive me for my sins early.

7. Albert musters a heretofore unseen defiance...

You have an action line between practically every single line of dialogue. Some are unnecessary at best and intrusive at worst. I think you need to give actors some room to bring the characters to life. It's also intrusive for the reader  (at least me) as it shows everything down.

8. Now Mary's smile is as familiar as an old friend.

What does that even mean? How does one shoot that.

8. So you have an interesting scenario going for you. You have me curious.  Who is she, where are they, what the heck is going on.

11. Daddy's happy now... right?

I like this line but it seems a little strange coming from a 21 year old.

14. Mary recognizes the accusatory look.

I'm not going to keep pointing this stuff out.  That's an unfilmable. This script is loaded with them.

I have to say that these action lines are holding everything down like an anchor. Just reducing them by half would tighten everything up and give you more storytelling space to play with.

I'm on 14 and have questions but no real sense of where the story is going.

17. I hope it's hot where you are, you
son of a bitch.

The most interesting line yet, on several levels.

19. You're making jokes. And I'm dead.
I'm dead! So where am I? And who are you? Tell me! Now!
MARY
You're not ready. You won't believe
me.

As a reader I feel like Albert.  I want to know. I'm ready to know.

The story hasn't moved aside from Albert beginning to accept his own death. I'd like to see now actual progression.

19. Please, don't say you're walking
through the valley of shadow of
death. I'll gouge my eyes out.

That's a good line.

20. A.J.'s resolute stare returns.

I think you need to let actors act.

22. Right. I'm not your supreme being.
Therefore I'm not omniscient.
Everything I know about you must
come from you. Now you can
cooperate and share some
information? Or we can sit in
silence until the time comes

Maybe my memory is off but didn't she know Albert's name or at least say she did, in the beginning.

22. So I'm curious where the story goes but not necessarily an excited curious.

29. Scientist? That's an interesting wrinkle. Is this still act 1? Feels like it has (or should have) moved into act 2 but that would mean the point of the story is figuring out why Albert is in the room. I could be wrong but it feels like part of a story, not the whole thing.

Just my personal thoughts. Also does the title get explained at any point? Doesn't connect at all to the first 30 for he vand doesn't necessarily make me want to read.

Hey Coop, thanks for checking this out.

Act I ends at the end of page 30 on Mary's reveal and Act II begins with the funeral.

Yeah, this was tough to write, action-wise, because of the ambition of the piece. I want a slow pace, because there is a lot for Albert to process. Tough to write eternity, you know? (0:  So yeah, I insert a narrative line after almost every spoken word because I don't want rapid fire dialogue, which would come off more like a stage play. Maybe it's too much though, I'll have to take a look at it...

Re; Mary's smile and recognizing the accusatory look - I would argue that you can film these. For me an unfilmable is 'the wind blows', because you obviously can't film the breeze, you can only film the effects (trees swaying, etc.).  Or, 'she's a wife and mother', which spoon feeds exposition that the audience will never see. I'm trying to paint pictures with words in the narrative.

You can certainly film a look of accusation, and a look of recognition. Sure, I'm directing here, however I didn't want to keep writing Mary smiles, because it's monotonous and robotic. So she needs to have an arsenal of smiles. Some are filled with pretense, some burst out genuinely, but others, like the one she exhibits when recognizing 'an old friend', is familiar, unguarded, knowing.  Make sense?

Hey ajr,

So, this was a super interesting read. First and foremost, the writing is really good, very easy to follow. This reminded me somewhat of "Magnolia" meets "I Heart Huckabees" in a way. The dialogue is really smart, sharp and each character really has it's own story that stands out -- which is why I bring up "Magnolia". The dialogue between Mary and Albert is really fascinating and the existentialism explored is even more fascinating. You've created this alternate after life -- I imagine you've done a lot of reading/research on the subject of science/physics vs. religion and how the two connect and intersect. And you weave this narrative very well with how his family deals with his death -- and new information is discovered in both "worlds". Very unique stuff. You weaved this tale of family secrets very well.

I know you wanted my thoughts on how to improve each character's backstory, but I feel like you have it down pat pretty well. Though I think AJ's character can be worked on a little bit, how he's grappled with his sexuality in the eyes of God... and his father. Perhaps show hints of this earlier.

Bianca was very interesting -- she seemed almost brainwashed. She was very naive -- her way of thinking was pretty childish, though. She almost sounded like a 14 or 15 year old. But I understand that we see her character as she's dealing with loss.

My favorite character, outside of Mary (I totally pictured Emma Thompson), was Gerard -- probably because he was the one most people can identify with. Despite his marijuana smoking/dealing, not having a job, he seems to be the most level-headed throughout this. Everyone seemed to be pretty well rounded IMO.

Here are some thoughts I had as I was reading...

PAGE 1 – Awesome visual to open up with. Well written.

OBSERVATION RIGHT OFF THE BAT – You’re description is awesome. I’m kinda jealous.

PAGE 2 – Is this all the same room? If it is, I don’t think you really need new scene headings to show time lapsing. I’d say sub scene headings would work that merely indicate how much time has passed or how many days later we are. Just my opinion, of course. But it does read like a montage. I hate writing MONTAGE and just having a check list of one-sentence scenes, myself, so I get what you have written like this.

*LOOKING BACK – Okay, I see now, it wasn’t the same room. Never mind!

PAGE 17 – Wow, harsh words. Not sure if the sudden voice over inside her head is totally necessary. Just that harsh word would have been enough to make us wonder about their relationship. And everything she mentioned in the voice over can unfold in another scene where she’s speaking to somebody. The voice over inside her head seemed a little out of nowhere. I’m probably just nitpicking here, it’s not a read-stopper. But I still feel like there’s a different way to reveal all that information. That biting line was strong on its own.

PAGE 26 – Ah, now I see why that female mourner was getting dirty looks.

PAGE 27 – MARY I think you're setting yourself up to be really disappointed. Didn't you suggest that your God would not be capable of such deliberate cruelty? So why would he allow this? What would be the point?

Ah, very nice. An existential question if there ever was one.

PAGE 30 – Very witty physics line – MARY (CONT'D) Still, a man of your intelligence should grasp the gravity of this.

RANDOM COMMENT – So, the Big Bang Theory was Mary this whole time!

PAGE 41 – Interesting stuff here RE: What we perceive as ghosts.

PAGE 48 – I think Jason says “baby” too much.

PAGE 61 – Just a nitpick. You start every action block/sentence with Gerard. Not a big deal, but I did notice that a few times.

PAGE 63 – Oh, shit.

PAGE 67 – That’s a long monologue. Would it be possible to kinda show some of these things as she describes them in voice over? Just to give more of a visual feel to it?

PAGE 69 – Interesting, comparing religion and the legalization of narcotics.

PAGE 70 – RE: AJ – Whoa. Got pretty dark.

PAGE 73 – Ugh, this was hard to read. It was well written, but you get what I’m saying…

PAGE 97 – GERARD Gerard! Stop! What are you doing? Why, did mom do something?

Think you meant BIANCA (speaking).

So, yeah, man, this was a very interesting, well-written read. If I think of anything else to add (I'm writing down everything pretty much right after I finished reading), I'll let you know. This seems like it would be pretty easy to film on a low budget. One of the main locations is just a room. Which reminds me -- Did you ever think of making this a play? I really think it would come across well on stage.

-- Michael

Hey Michael, thanks for taking a look, and for the kind words. This really does help!

As for it being a play -yes, there's a stage version floating around somewhere. This started as a short film, where the family really didn't have back stories, they were at the funeral and there for exposition, and most of the action took place in the room. It was actually filmed, but the director kind of botched the lighting and set decoration and it came out more like the PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE version of short films.  I then expanded it to a play but didn't get any traction with it. Then the guy who filmed the short said he thought it could be a feature, and I took this shot at expanding it. (He caught on eventually and he's gone on to have a pretty decent career in film.)

When I first posted this here I was offered some money for the IP. Way more than an option fee, but less than I thought it was worth, so I turned it down, and I've been kicking myself ever since. Oh well...

To answer some of your questions -

PAGE 17, Anna's V.O. - in the original version I had her whispering the words in his ear, though there was less dialogue. I thought it seemed cheesy to have her speaking out loud to a corpse. Whenever we mourn someone and approach the body, I think this is universal in that we speak to them in our heads, thinking they can hear us. I think whispering to him would work too. The main thing as you correctly noted is that she has to deliver the "hot where you are, you son of a bitch" line.

PAGE 41: Yeah, that's one of my favorite passages here. Star Trek had to be mentioned. Roddenberry was a genius, and he was way ahead of his time not only on sci-fi but on social issues. The episode where Frank Gorshin is the half black, half white guy feuding with the half white-half black guy is a master class in prejudice.
The episode I reference refers directly back to the Einstein quote at the beginning of the film. Roddenberry would have almost certainly been aware of it.

PAGE 48, Jason - noted. The original version of this had MARY, who was originally a male character, saying "Mate" at the end of almost every sentence. And it drove everyone crazy, so I eliminated the word completely.

PAGE 61 - noted, I can substitute a pronoun here and there.

PAGE 67 - that's a great idea, thanks. Images of a utopia would work well under Mary's V.O. there.

PAGE 73 - Yeah, I get it. I cried when I finished writing it. Because it felt real, like it actually happened to someone. Still not sure whether to include it, in such graphic detail.

PAGE 97 - Yep, that's a bobble, thanks for catching.

Definitely noted on Gerard's character, I will look to introduce his struggles earlier. He is terrified of stepping out front, because he feels his secret life will be exposed. With Bianca, she is definitely immature, I think I allude to her having Asperger's when Anna reads the email from the TV exec.

I hope the motivations for Gerard and Bianca were clear enough and not contrivances. They pay for the sins of the father, obviously, and getting them into real trouble had to seem real. Their choices had to be ones that reasonable people would make, and I hope it comes across.

I also took great pains to keep the supernatural, or magic, out of this. I did not want Mary to have special powers. She's trapped too, and there's a reason for it, rooted in physics, or at least the physics of the world I created. That said, I grappled with how to represent the images of Mary and Albert on screen. Were they energy? Do they have faces? So I settled on representing them as images frozen in time somewhere. That didn't solve the issue of clothes though... do your clothes travel with you? Was Albert wearing his blue suit from the funeral, or his pajamas when he died? So the little bit of magic I decided to incorporate was the glowing ball in Albert's midsection, to obscure whether he's wearing anything. So I visualize seeing only his face, with the rest of his body obscured.

Thanks again, this really helped.

AJR

Hey AJR,

Again, this was a very interesting, well written read. RE: Gerard and Bianca -- I think you mean the AJ character. At least that's what I meant in my comments. I think the Gerard character is the most level headed -- and he seems to be the most distant from his father in comparison to his siblings, the black sheep. So, very well done there having the ones closest to their father paying for his sins. AJ's hidden homosexuality was an interesting turn and did surprise. But I think there should be a hint of that. And I don't mean something obvious like him staring at other men or looking up videos online or anything like that -- maybe show him being fully against homosexuality or have him comment that he's against it, adding a layer of subtext -- then when we see that he is actually, it's still a surprise plot turn (and interesting part of his arc) but we look back at that "hint" and have that "Oh, that makes sense" moment. And I think it would strengthen his arc even that much more. If that makes any sense (I tend to ramble rather than articulate clearly).

-- Michael

Yes, my mistake - I know you meant AJ and I did as well...

Definitely have to fix that dialogue blunder on page 97... and certainly want to take this under the hood at some point and do a rewrite... I'm open though to a collaboration with the eventual director / producer on how to make the back stories better.

I purposely wrote this with limited locations and speaking roles, and had the majority of the "action" take place in a plain room, to make it easy to film. I've been shopping a $5MM project for several years and that is tough sledding, to say the least... I also think that we might be able to film a sizzle reel for this project in the current environment, since the main characters are actually not allowed to touch... social distancing before it was cool... (0:

thanks again,

AJR

Hey, AJR, I'm on page 13, trying to pay forward the kindness you've shown in beginning to read my script, Doubles.  It's very smooth and the flow is easy to read.  Despite the number of early characters introduced, I've gotten to this point in no time at all.  I'm an atheist, so I wonder how I will react to the theme, as well as the plot turns, but I try not to be dogmatic and as an avid Beatles fan and major admirer of Einstein, my interest remains highly piqued.

Super happy by the twist in the 30s.  I was hoping this would be more about death and science than death and Jesus.

Stopping for the night on p.43.  This script is right up my alley.  Thanks for looking at mine.  I'll continue reading yours later.

Thanks Daniel, your efforts are much appreciated. I'm an atheist as well, or an agnostic, or something that's really undefinable.... which is why I wrote this. I think you'll see my worldview come through in some of these characters.  

AJR

God damn did I love this.  Really puts the awfulness of my script into perspective.  One question: does Mary love John Lennon because he copped to his sins during his life, in his songs and his interviews.  He was a hypocrite who lived in a mansion and abused women and cheated and ignored his first born and so on.  It's the only part of the story whose logic eludes me.  As a nonreligious person, the idea of a multiverse that is held together by every conceivable choice becoming its own universe has always appealed to me.  Good work.

By the way, love the irony of the title.  "Imagine there's no heaven."  

Hey Daniel, thanks for reading. First let me stop you from beating yourself up. I've been at this for a while now, and ALL of learn something each day about writing. And there's always going to be someone better than us, no matter how good we all get. We're all just trying to tell stories. And I saw something in your work, enough for me to carry on, and the bobbles on format and long narratives and extra words and things like that will work itself out for you. I'll get to it sometime today, I got derailed for a few hours (plumbing leak).

To answer your question - Mary loves John Lennon because of what he stood for. There is an example of his views on religion in the quote of his at the end of the script. And I describe this piece as a physical manifestation of the views he espoused in IMAGINE - imagine there's no heaven, no hell below us, no possessions, imagine all the people living life in peace, etc. This world view is in direct opposition to the one Albert has invested in. And Albert turned out to be wrong. And Gerard, who lives a life more closely to Lennon's, is proven right. If that makes any sense...

There are more than a few people who have gotten angry with me over the title. Some felt hoodwinked because they thought they were going to read ABOUT Lennon, and when he didn't appear, they felt cheated. Some felt that Lennon had nothing to do with the script in any way, shape or form, so they feel it's misleading... I even had a producer tell me that once I had Lennon's estate on board, to contact him (yeah, right). But that was before he knew that it was an ideal, not a character. But I hope the explanation above puts it in new light for you.

Thanks again,

AJR

Hey, Anthony: Just finished this yesterday and have had a chance to put a few notes together.

As a life-long atheist who never really wanted to be one (i.e., I wish I believed - but don't), this held great interest to me. I'm actually kind of a Christopher Hitchens junkie - his debates are riveting. If you have never watched one of his debates, I highly recommend it as there would be some great pearls in there which I think could be effectively inserted in your script. By way of example, you spend very little time on the intelligent design argument in the debate between Mary and Albert- that is a very ripe area for dialogue/debate.

From a craft perspective - really, really well-written and just a stellar premise.

For me, the story ranged from A+ in some areas (the Mary - Albert scenes) to C in others.
Anyway - as we go:

I like the opening VO - not sure you need the the vulture thing.

In the opening description of the house, I think you should add some religious artifacts. A large, ornate opened bible on an antique table, a humble wooden cross prominently displayed on the wall, etc.

Quoted Text Through the open door walks MARY.

Would have liked an approximate age here. I know she doesn't really have one - but there ought to be a clever way to put this in - if she were human, she would be XX

Quoted Text ALBERT I remember hearing the doctor. There were complications after my second heart attack. My family... I could see their faces. They're trying to be brave. My daughter... my sweet Bianca.

Too on the nose with the 2nd heart attack thing – just I remember the Doctor saying there were complications is enough. Mary gets to the two heart attacks later anyway.

Quoted Text MARY Yes I realize. Look, you get sorted and once you're convinced that I'm no longer a dream, we can begin.

Comma after Yes

Quoted Text ALBERT Fine. I'll play along. I'm not "religious" as you put it. I'm not some holiday churchgoer who doesn't eat meat during Lent and expects to be saved. I believe in the Lord God almighty as the Creator of all things, and I believe in his son Jesus Christ as my personal savior

The “I’m not religious” line doesn’t work. He is. And as she put it. I would delete that sentence. And start it with I'm not just some  holiday churchgoer.

At the funeral I had to go back to remember who AJ and Gerald were – perhaps because they were intro’d with no serious action or lines while we were at the hospital. I would consider saving their intro for here.

Quoted Text MARY Sorry mate. Really I am.

Comma after sorry

Quoted Text ALBERT What does that mean, your world? How can you - you call yourself Mary, you speak with this accent, and I'm supposed to believe that –

She had an accent? If so, that needs to be established when she first speaks.

As I’m reading, it struck me that the reveal of Albert’s womanizing comes a bit too early. I think I'd save it till that line in the church where Anna is giving the eulogy.

Quoted Text MARY (CONT'D) There's a reason I believe we can't we come in contact with each other.

Something is wrong with the above sentence.

Quoted Text JASON (22), a strapping, baby-faced African American man, stands near his parents.

PARENTS - and do your really need them here at all? They play no future part in the story.

Gerald’s genesis (the story of when he was 10) of his hatred of AJ doesn’t seem to have deep enough roots for me. Just didn’t seem to be enough.

The Bianca – Jason discussion about not being able to fool around because the Dad is watching didn’t quite land for me. She sounded more insane then virtuous and it went on just a bit too long. More on this later.

Quoted Text Anna, in a revealing blouse and tight black skirt, enters.

Didn’t quite buy that she would so blatantly wear this in the house with the kids there. I’d have her outfit concealed in an overcoat or something and not revealed until she gets to the car – out of eyesight.  But it really is not needed at all. Later on we are going to find her going at it at a hotel room. Much more of a twist if she shows up at the room in Amish style conservative clothing then it does if she shows up dressed as a club girl. Remember - she's living a double life - she would not be this obvious.

On page 62 reading Bianca’s speech to her Dad regarding Jason – not landing for me here either – she sounds like a twelve-year old. I really think this needs to be more nuanced. And the logic is a problem – I know you try to explain it – but messing around while he’s alive = okay – but she’s tormented by it when he’s dead.

Quoted Text MASTER BEDROOM Bianca raids her mother's closet. She picks out the shortest skirt and the lowest-cut blouse she can find.

Again, this didn’t make sense to me on two levels, Mother is the wife of a preacher and she has a plethora of these outfits in her closet? She wouldn't. And Bianca is supposed to be over the top pure - so even if she was going to go do the deed with Jason - you've already kind of set up that she wouldn't be the type of girl that dresses for it.

The Bianca – Dormitory rape scene didn’t make it for me. The whole time I’m thinking I want to get back to Mary and Albert and it is not needed for the gist of the story.  Bianca's torment here should not be I went to finally give it to my boyfriend and I almost got raped - it should be how she feels about doing the act - she spent her whole life avoiding it - does she feel remorse or shame now - or does she wonder why she waited so long to engage in this joyous behavior?

Quoted Text GERARD Great mom. Great excuse. I'm sure it helps you sleep at night. I mean, I know you hated him but... why? What made you do this?

Comma after great.

Quoted Text BIANCA Don't worry big brother. I'm still a virgin.

Really didn’t like this line. Seemed like something no one would ever say.

Was not a fan of Mary's husband showing up at all. I know that you are looking for a plot point to end the story here - but this one didn't land for me.  

Macro level thoughts.

I'd like Albert to be just a little better foe to Mary's arguments. Right now he's your average run of the mill minister intelligence wise. I'll harken back to my Hitchens reference earlier - the dude was genius level and in all of his debates he had equally smart opponents arguing the other side.  Albert would be more interesting if he was like that - i.e., rather than just a run of the mill minister, have him be making the best arguments for theology - not just the most common ones.

Add some topics – intelligent design as an example. Evolution perhaps. The fact that some of the best scientific minds believed in God. How can objective morality exist without a God? Near death experiences - whatever.  The point is try to take this great theological debate foundation you already have an try to ratchet it up a notch by adding some additional elements and making Albert even smarter.

The family becomes a bit too much on steroids. We have a wife who was a cheater and a murderer. A drug addled, suicidal, gay son - an over the top virgin daughter - it was just a little too much for me.  i.e., when everyone is effed up - it becomes like no one is.

All in all - I loved the Mary - Albert scenes for the most part and every scene with them with the exception of the husband showing up was a page turner.

The family back story was just meh for me. I wanted more nuance I guess.

But a great read over all - very enjoyable and thought provoking.

Thank you, Dave. I really appreciate the read. THIS is the critique I was looking for, because I think that you understand this material quite well, and just about every one of your points is insightful, and something I felt in my gut when writing this. I'm not married to these characters' back stories, and when this was a short film and a play, most of the action was with MARY / ALBERT, with the family existing for exposition.

I do agree that the family needs to be more nuanced. And I was up the middle about my treatment of Bianca. I wrote her as Asperger's, and brainwashed by her father, and literally having a "man in the sky" view of Heaven, so now, she thinks her dad can see all and hear all, and that drives her nuts in a way.

It's an interesting idea to make Albert a more formidable foe. He was every Christian I've ever had an argument with and then at some point said "but the Bible says"... which as you know, leads nowhere. I viewed he and Anna as wild college kids who got in deep with drugs or whatever their vices were, started to have kids, got "born again" (If you've ever seen Joel Osteen - he asks you to pray a prayer with him at the end of the service and then says "friends if you say that prayer with us, we believe you got born again".... this is what I was going for), and then said "hey, why don't we create an Empire Megachurch?"

And I wanted to madden him further by also making Mary clueless as to the secrets of the Universe... she knows who created ALBERT, but she doesn't know who created HER. She is a scientist, and has theories... which for me most closely align with Tipler's work, I think I mention the title of the book in the script. I'll have to really take this under the hood and see if making Albert a more studious man outside of religious dogma is an idea that can work.

Great stuff, thank you so much for your detailed notes!

AJR

Just to play devil's advocate.  I think having Bianca as a daddy's girl who believes Albert can watch her commit what, in her view, are immoral acts, serves the plot well, because of the irony that he never considered how his sexual escapades would have affected such an impressionable daughter.  It provides a contrast that I think enhances the script.  With regard to AJ, I am not sure his sexuality needs to be hinted at earlier.  I can't remember the exact action, but we see in him a reticence to embrace the reality of the situation with his family and his father early, which for me was a red flag that he held secrets.  Also, depending on how the actor plays AJ, his inflections and intonations when speaking may suggests homosexuality, so that might be an attribute you include earlier in the script.

Where I disagree with Eldave, and with full deference to him as an accomplished and knowledgeable screenwriter, is that Albert should be a bit more intelligent and a bit more well-versed in providing the counterpoints.  As we know from the description, Mary is infinitely more intelligent than he is.  Alberts are a dime-a-dozen and I don't expect too much more from them.  He never really gives up on the idea that this is hell or purgatory because BOTH his denialism AND his intellectual mediocrity preclude him from accepting his more damning personal attributes.  I didn't see this as two foes with equal sparring capabilities, a la Hitchens versus a nonsecular intellectual.  I saw this as a slaughter.  Albert was not a match for Mary and both know it, even if Albert refuses to concede a point to her until the last act.  Denialism seems to BE THE POINT.

I feel the purpose of Albert is to showcase human denialism and the power of denialism.  Even in death, when he's clearly overmatched in cogency and intellect, his denialism is the one ace he has in his sleeve.  It rings true based on my experience with human nature.

Albert Jr. is the only character who shares his father's denialism and he is set to inherit the father's business.  Gerald is certainly not a denialist and is the most relatable and noble character.  Bianca is not a denialist.  Naive, yes, but morally superior to her father in every way.

Does the family seem at times like a B plot to the far more interesting A plot of denialism vs. objectivism?  Yes.  Is the rapport between Albert and Mary the more compelling story?  Yes.  But do I think the characters that comprise Albert's family need to be changed because they are unrealistic?  No.  I can very easily envision a family in which a crooked father whose emotional and intellectual distance from his family results in children whose personalities unveil themselves in the manner described in this script.  I also read this script more like a play than a screenplay, as it would be so easy to stage.

And before, when I said I liked the irony of the title, I appreciate having a devout Christian stuck in John Lennon's vision of heaven, which is to say "no heaven."

Thanks Daniel, I really appreciate the kind words.

I struggled with the treatment of Bianca. I definitely think her sexuality needs to be explored. It's hinted at that while she and Jason may fool around, she hasn't given in to pre-marital sex, and now that her father has been transformed, her very child-like view of what God and Heaven is has now collided with her feelings as a woman.

What Dave may be saying is that the events leading to her assault are a bit of a contrivance, and that may be the case, at least for him. I have spoken to others who have read this and asked if Bianca's behavior seemed within the realm of human experience, and some have said yes, and others no.

I can look at further rooting this family in reality, but as he says, I did view them as all sorts of fucked up, held together like glue by the patriarch, who's now gone.

He did also mention Anna's proclivities. I might have to further suggest that she had started to have an affair, after finding out about Albert's many affairs. Though she had remained true to her one lover.

AJR

Quoted from ajr Thank you, Dave. I really appreciate the read. THIS is the critique I was looking for, because I think that you understand this material quite well, and just about every one of your points is insightful, and something I felt in my gut when writing this. I'm not married to these characters' back stories, and when this was a short film and a play, most of the action was with MARY / ALBERT, with the family existing for exposition. I do agree that the family needs to be more nuanced. And I was up the middle about my treatment of Bianca. I wrote her as Asperger's, and brainwashed by her father, and literally having a "man in the sky" view of Heaven, so now, she thinks her dad can see all and hear all, and that drives her nuts in a way. It's an interesting idea to make Albert a more formidable foe. He was every Christian I've ever had an argument with and then at some point said "but the Bible says"... which as you know, leads nowhere. I viewed he and Anna as wild college kids who got in deep with drugs or whatever their vices were, started to have kids, got "born again" (If you've ever seen Joel Osteen - he asks you to pray a prayer with him at the end of the service and then says "friends if you say that prayer with us, we believe you got born again".... this is what I was going for), and then said "hey, why don't we create an Empire Megachurch?" And I wanted to madden him further by also making Mary clueless as to the secrets of the Universe... she knows who created ALBERT, but she doesn't know who created HER. She is a scientist, and has theories... which for me most closely align with Tipler's work, I think I mention the title of the book in the script. I'll have to really take this under the hood and see if making Albert a more studious man outside of religious dogma is an idea that can work. Great stuff, thank you so much for your detailed notes! AJR

My pleasure, bud. Glad they helped. I do think you certainly have something here.