Whispers by Tyler King - Short, Horror - After moving to a new house, a young boy asks his father to remove the monsters from his bedroom… 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Tyler - well written, IMO.

However:

SPOILERS

Quoted Text DANIEL Pure luck. The realtor told me another couple got it right after I put a bid on it, but they moved out a month later and put it back up at a lower price. JESSIE Did they say why?

All the suspense was lost for me once I read the above - could see what was coming. I have no real advice on what to change since this is always a problem for me as well. i.e., how to provide sufficient background so that the ending does make sense without giving the ending away.

Be interesting to see other folks view.

Solid writing

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'm glad you like it, that means a lot, especially taking into account that I had written this 2 years ago... I'd like to think my writing has since improved, as I'm continuously learning. Also appreciate the criticism and I see what you mean. Tried to throw in a way to let the audience know that this has been an ongoing thing and that the "monsters" weren't just after that family in particular. I'll see what I can think of to make it less predictable. :)  

Hey Tyler,

I liked it. It flows well and kept me going, was a very smooth and quick read for me.
I'd like it more if you showed us more of a character. Either Daniel, or the son - dug a little deeper in a sense. The reason I'm telling this is - you succeeded with the story progression, but didn't give me a chance to feel for the characters and root for them. Give us some of a personal problem.

Suppose they left a pet behind. Or friends. And one of them didn't want to move. But Daniel got a new job and they just have to. I mean something... and that would add to the conflict from the very beginning and make the read even more exciting.

Having said that, I still truly enjoyed the read - and I'm not sugarcoating or whatever.

There's a typo on p1 - you have "You don't like it, do it"

Nice and quick start

P4 re facebook shower pictures
might be more powerful if showing a picture in fact…
I like the general plotting here but an actual photo could help to establish the atmosphere of a silent stalker… whoever it truly is going to be later…

second bedroom scene: I like the vibe. You build a very fine tension for such a simple scenario and say often tackled plot of "monsters in the bedroom".

Presentation is very good imo. Reads super fast.

Point 1: in hindsight facebook pictures feel out of place and the beat isn't properly resolved. I can only guess that "Daniels other (ghost) self" shot the pics of her or something.

Secondly, this is all good but the last beat must be there imo. It's just my personal impression but I just believe that I would want to know who rides shotgun now.

Therefore I fear you'd need another angle somewhere that sets up this certain final payoff.
I'm just not sure if you should leave the audience with such "I wanna know" feeling while they have no real clue or at least a kind of possible interpretation about what this last concept means.

Otherwise I like how you handle the characters and how fast and to the point you produce something from such a simple scenario and foundation. Good stuff.

khamanna - thank you so much for the feedback and kind words, much appreciated and I'm very happy to hear that you enjoyed it. I do agree that I could've added more depth to the characters after going back and reading again, so I will most definitely use your advice when I go back and revise this, so thank you for the feedback/suggestions! Also, THANK YOU THANK YOU for pointing out the spelling error/typo! I'm very nit picky myself when it comes to that (whether reading others or writing my own), so it's always nice to have a new set of eyes! :)

PrussianMosby - again, thank you for the feedback and kind words as well. Glad you enjoyed it also! Definitely means a lot and keeps me high spirited and wanting to continue my writing. I like your advice about showing the picture, rather than just telling. That does make more sense and would also be more eerie, so thank you for the suggestion. As for the ending, I understand what you mean, but I didn't actually want to show the "monster" itself, you know what I mean? But I do agree, that I could definitely add more to it to make it scarier and give it that wow factor.

Everyone's comments are definitely appreciated, both good and bad! :)

Re the last shot. I know what you mean.

Just had a quick thought about what if…

Perhaps you could just follow your script's foregone concept that they all have kind of vicious alter egos that this ghost/monster can take control over.

"LANDON
Sometimes they look like you and
sometimes they look like mommy. But
different. More scary."

So, in the car, when Daniel turns to where Jessie sits, imagine there's no Jessie but perhaps there's a more scary version of Daniel himself. Real Daniel then would shit his pants seeing himself there and he loses control over the steering wheel -- BLACK.

Just a thought. Perhaps you can find something in this psycho-mind game area that you already established so well before.

That's a really good idea/suggestion, I never thought about that! I will definitely take that into consideration when revising. Thank you. :)

Hey Tyler,

I was interested to see where you were going to take the monster under the bed premise and you surprised me, so nice work. I like it..

Quoted from Kirsten Hey Tyler, I was interested to see where you were going to take the monster under the bed premise and you surprised me, so nice work. I like it..

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! Much appreciated. :)

Good job here, Tyler!  You took a done to death concept and made it interesting and enjoyable.

Your characters act and talk like real peeps, and that always helps so much.  I don't know why most writers can't write dialogue to save their life, but apparently, you can.

You ended this up with a real bang, too, and that counts so much in making this memorable.

There are some little issues here and there, but when a story works, the little stuff is simply that...little stuff.

I rarely recommend to writers how to change their stories, because usually, they're so piss poor, they need alot more than a little change here and there.  But, I will throw out a few things that may bring this up even higher than it already is.

I think it always helps when you set your script somewhere..anywhere, really.  It just helps the reader visualize a bit better.

I'd also let a little time pass before things go all to Hell...as in maybe a little more in terms of the weird stuff.

Biggest issue for me is the facebook thing.  I think you can do this much better - maybe even by having Jessie confront Daniel about how rough he was with her in the shower, or how he knows she doesn't like it when he (insert whatever you like here), and then have him say he doesn't know what she's talking about.

It's a solid effort and I look forward to more from you.

Quoted from Dreamscale Good job here, Tyler!  You took a done to death concept and made it interesting and enjoyable. Your characters act and talk like real peeps, and that always helps so much.  I don't know why most writers can't write dialogue to save their life, but apparently, you can. You ended this up with a real bang, too, and that counts so much in making this memorable. There are some little issues here and there, but when a story works, the little stuff is simply that...little stuff. I rarely recommend to writes how to change their stories, because usually, their so piss poor, they need alot more than a little change here and there.  But, I will throw out a few things that may bring this up even higher than it already is. I think it always helps when you set your script somewhere..anywhere, really.  It just helps the reader visualize a bit better. I'd also let a little time pass before things go all to Hell...as in maybe a little more in terms of the weird stuff. Biggest issue for me is the facebook thing.  I think you can do this much better - maybe even by having Jessie confront Daniel about how rough he was with her in the shower, or how he knows she doesn't like it when he (insert whatever you like here), and then have him say he doesn't know what she's talking about. It's a solid effort and I look forward to more from you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and offering suggestions/praise. Much appreciated! I'm really glad that you think my dialogue is realistic, as I am a huge critic of my own writing and have always thought dialogue was my weakest spot... I always find myself going back CONSTANTLY and rewriting, which is NOT A GOOD THING as it takes me forever to progress throughout my scripts... but I'm working on it. Like I said as well, I appreciate the suggestions and I definitely understand what you mean. I'll take everything into consideration whenever I come back to this for rewrites. :)

Tyler,

Fist off, I liked it!  

I would have to agree with Jeff on the passing of time before things get a little crazy.  It seemed too quick for Daniel to come to the conclusion that there was something supernatural going on.  It felt rushed.  Personally, I'd like the suspense to build a little more.  But in saying that, it certainly hits the point and for that I'm a fan.  Well done!

Nolan

Quoted from Nolan Tyler, Fist off, I liked it!   I would have to agree with Jeff on the passing of time before things get a little crazy.  It seemed too quick for Daniel to come to the conclusion that there was something supernatural going on.  It felt rushed.  Personally, I'd like the suspense to build a little more.  But in saying that, it certainly hits the point and for that I'm a fan.  Well done! Nolan

Thank you so much for the kind words, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Makes me feel good about my writing. :) and yes, I do agree that I could add more suspense and will definitely try to come back to this short soon after I'm done with my feature. Thanks for the suggestions, always appreciated.

I took everyone's feedback/suggestions into consideration and revised this last night, which is about 2 pages longer. Don said it will be up later tonight, and I'll let everyone know when it is. Thanks again to all those who have read/commented. It means so much to me! Have a great day everyone. :)

Hey everyone, just want to let everyone know that my revision is now up on here when you click the script! Thanks Don for getting it posted. :)

Great build in tension, solid horror moments. Only downside (?) was questions left hanging, but it's a short, so, mission accomplished :D

Wanted more, horror-chops showcased, good script!

Quoted from JamieB Great build in tension, solid horror moments. Only downside (?) was questions left hanging, but it's a short, so, mission accomplished :D Wanted more, horror-chops showcased, good script!

Yeah, the ending was left open on purpose. ;) Thank you for the kind words though, I'm really glad you enjoyed it! :)

Hey Tyler, gave this a read. Here are my notes.

Why were they speeding down the driveway at the start? Seems odd to me. Stupid nitpick, sorry.

Really strong dialog for the most part.  Landon's is a little hit and miss.

Good use of jump scares mixed in with the building tension. Awesome stuff, man. The ending was familiar, but very suspenseful. Looking forward to seeing what else you've written.

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Hey Tyler, gave this a read. Here are my notes. Why were they speeding down the driveway at the start? Seems odd to me. Stupid nitpick, sorry.

I can't really answer that, lol, you said yourself it's a nitpick, and no one else brought it up, so I'll leave it at that, haha.

Quoted from Zack Really strong dialog for the most part.  Landon's is a little hit and miss. Good use of jump scares mixed in with the building tension. Awesome stuff, man. The ending was familiar, but very suspenseful. Looking forward to seeing what else you've written. ~Zack~

Thanks, man! Really glad you enjoyed it. :)