Mountain City by 0 - Short, Drama - After the tragic death of his mother, a city boy is forced to live with his estranged father in the hills of Tennessee. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was really good! Formatting was top notch, actions were descriptive but short sweet and to the point, and the dialogue was sharp. With all that being said, it's not the type of script I would be immediately drawn to, story/genre-wise, but I'm trying to give as many of these a read as I can. And I'm glad I read this one, so far it's the best one I've read. Very good job

Picked this one based on the logline. Always curious to see how others see the south and especially up in the mountains since I personally love it up there in NC, TN, KY and even WV.

I believed you picked off all the cliche's. Banjos, doublewide, gun, beer, trash, cigarettes...

I'm pretty sure that that same stuff can be found in most states. Minus the banjo picking. So, was a little bit disappointed at the characterization of the Tennessee people, but if that's what you want to go with, I think you need to balance it a little bit with some Detroit stuff too. Which would add some more conflict to the story, which would be a good thing. Right now, Cory kind of blends in a little too easy and accepts his new home too easily as well.

The story is good, but needs more drama, IMHO, which should be easy to add. I'm also interested in learning more about Cory. How did he grow up? What was his life like in Detroit? Did he have a good life in the suburbs or did he as well live life in the cliche' world of violence in a dying city with buildings crumbling and shots going off all the time?

The story is about Cory and Danny reuniting and their lives changing completely because Cory's mother died. That's good, just make it harder for them to come to terms with that.

Also, why bi-focals? How would we know? They are the cheap kind with a sharp line in the middle? Why not just give him glasses and maybe they get busted during the day somehow.
  :)

Yep, this was good but because I'm non-U.S I did wonder if perhaps you were veering into extteme cliche territory with the characterisations and dialogue - pushing it I mean. I also would have liked to see more of an arc between father and son. I think the rough sex scene made me unsure of Dad's true personality/character and thus his softening and compassion towards his son, and the value of his speech beforehand. I get they're rough around the edges but I'd soften that sex scene and soften Dad's character by the end so the more dimension to him is credible.  If that is what you were going for...

I'd similarly have the kid a bit more shy. Keep the naive quoting of what his Dad said to the neighbour - it was humorous, but less of the outright rudeness in contrast to Dad.

Mountain City

Not much to say about this one. I liked it and the comedy that came with it. I do have several personal nitpicks.

I wish you'd only capitalize the verbs instead of the whole sentences and unbold some of the settings.

Other than that, a good story for the challenge.

Lovely story. Strong writing skills. Authentic dialogs. All in all a wonderful job.
Keep it up, writer.

Cheers,

PedroS

Cute. Well written. Cory didn't mourn for his Mom, considering he'd lived with her and she'd done well enough to leave him an inheritance, he was over her pretty quick. Maybe extending the time he was in social care would help - perhaps they had a hard time tracking down Danny-Ray.

Some work also needed on Cory suddenly becoming a 'country boy' as he wasn't otherwise aside from some early exposition. He should transition from city to country boy through his actions/mindset somehow.

Extremely well crafted. Easily the best style I have read. The action lines and character descriptions were perfect. Real writing chops on display here.

The Daisy scene was well written but for me, not at all needed for the story. Would have liked the page space dedicated to interactions between the father and son. Cory blended into the strange land a little too easily. There were a lot of opportunities for urban/rural contrast here that were not developed (e.g., what's your wifi password? You're TV has an antenna? etc.). Not those exacty, but the point being there was a lot of life style conflict that went unfarmed.

All that being said - I loved the writing. Really top drawer.

LOL genre needs to be changed to a comedy as it was pretty funny and well done!

Loved the scene between Wade and Cory on the lawn. Any way I dug this for all the right reasons so great work

Well, you have your very clear-cut fish out of water in a kid that took no time settling in and being part of the gang.

That said, you have a story with all scene and no drama. I mean, nothing happened. The scenes themselves were ok. The lawnmowing bit was even kind of amusing. But it all panned out to a bit of meh.

The kid was barely a fish out of water. There was no conflict between him or anyone else in the story. He not only fit in instantly, but he got along with everyone (except your obligatory T&A fourth character who was there long enough to show off her bod before running out in a scene that appeared to be completely pointless).

The writing was decent. It read pretty well. But storywise, it fell flat and didn't grab me at all.

Another heartwarming drama. Something about this challenge seems to have brought 'em out.

It's cute and well-written. Like those above me, I found everything seemed to happen pretty easily -- no big moments of conflict really, arising from the fish out of water scenario. These stories are more rewarding if we get a glimpse of how everything might go wrong.

Skillfully written and presented. Story-wise I expected more here. The atmosphere at first felt there's something truly suspicious about to come regarding those hardliner-people. But then the end seems it's all fine in Tennessee, in their way.

Reads more as a writing sample to me. I have no dislike for the script at all, the characters felt authentic, I just couldn't identify a definite theme where to put this in my head. Perhaps this was your intention, to let things flow without making a point. Too vague yet… put a bit more of a remarkable style into this, even if it's something in the vein of your laisser-faire, Tennessee day by day storyline -- then some distinct remarkable topics might open up and give it a more specific characteristic.

There's true potential. A good first draft to build up on if wanted.

Hey writer,

All the parameters were met, definitely a fish out of water so no issues there.

Formatting was good and typos were non existent. Pace just kinda plodded along in low gear, I suppose it was the nature of the work so it was never gonna ramp up anywhere.

The story was quite cute. The kid seemed a bit too natural in his new environment for me. He'd just lost his mum, and ends up in a completely foreign place with a dad he'd never known, but just took it in his stride, didn't really buy that bit. Also, not that much really happens over the span of the piece, but again that seems the nature of the story.

Overall I think I liked it, definitely one of the best stories here anyway,

Cam

I love green apple suckers!

This was nice clean copy. You did what was needed to tell the story no more no less so that's good.

Now, on the story...

Consider on this one, "who" you want your audience to be. You've got a 14 year old boy in this story so if you're looking at that age range at all, I think you've shot yourself in the foot. Why bring in the swears and sex? It was too heavy handed with that stuff.

I felt things were looking rustily fine with a lifestyle picture you were drawing until you brought Cory into the picture.

1- His mom died and he seems mostly unaffected.

2- I don't think a social worker is going to just drop him off at a place like Danny Rays.

I was thinking to myself that it would have been better if Cory wouldn't be in the story at all, but then that takes the fish out of water right out of the water I know, but still...

I liked the war idea with trying to mow the lawn but I'd rather have seen it with Danny Ray and Wade, period. No Cory, no dead mother, no backstory to have to write about his being a bad father yada-yada.

How to spin it then to stranger in strange land I don't know, but yeah, Cory just didn't work for me,

Still, really nicely done in terms of all the other fine points.

Sandra

Hey,

I wish you  capitalized on one character, told us more about him and made us care for him. I'm guessing it's got to be either Cory or Danny Ray, or both.
But right now I didn't go deeply into the drama. Wade tells Danny about Cory. Then Danny talks to Cory about Cory's mother. Everyone is at ease with how the things are, no one is at conflict.

Except for Wade and Cory there in the middle - and I really liked that part.

So, I suggest you infuse it with conflict.

Very well written with a distinctive style. The characters were caricatures, oh so cliché, but it was clear we wouldn't be expecting much more from this story, so it fits.

I just found it all easy and boring. Nobody is affected by any of the big events. The boy arriving doesn't make an impact on Danny Boy. The boy losing his mother doesn't seem to bother him. The boy settles in really easily despite what should have been a culture shock to him. Even the interaction with Wade is too easy. And the sex, well, that was just gratuitous, but it also fits with the over-the-top characterizations.

Strong writing that's kind of wasted on a wisp of a story, IMO.

Ummm,
     I didn't buy into the story.  There is no way that a social worker is gonna just drop a kid off at Danny Ray's place.  No way.

You set it up with the social worker looking for him, then the kid just shows up, without the social worker interviewing him??  

I think you have a good story, but, the wrong fish-out-of-water.  It's much funnier to have him find out he's a father and have him turn his act around to take care of his son.

I mean, the kid's gonna get drunk on beer and die from alcohol poisoning because he doesn't know better!!

And since when does a 14 year-old do chores on the first request?  

Like I said, I just didn't buy into it, at all.

Dan

Did Danny Rae have split personalities?  He was rough and tough at the beginning then after Corey catches him screwing Daisy Duke he isn't pissed at all.  Didn't make sense to me.  Sorry not my style.  But others probably like it.

Meets the challenge, for sure. I think I'd like it a lot more if it was drawn out. Definitely needs more conflict and time for the transition of Danny Ray.

That said, I love the Wade character and his interaction with Corey. A battle of wits ending with an odd couple friendship. Great job , writer!

Not sure what the opening line is supposed to mean or be.

Dialogue is pretty good, but you slipped up many times, by using words ending in "ing", as opposed to what you correctly did several times, ending them in"'in".  Simple clean up later, when you have more time.

Writing is pretty good, but actually, not very visual, as it's actually hard to visualize, based on your writing style.

Seems like we're now in comedy realm here?  I don't know but I was hoping for more.

Well, it meets the challenge, that's for sure.  It's kind of nice and sweet, that's for sure.  But, the tone is all over the place here and when you get right down to it, this is more fairy tale than reality.  It's pretty good, though, but nothing memorable here, sorry to say.

Grade - ***

A tough subject to effectively get across in 9 pages but this writer is strong, confident and knows it.

Very well written. I was confused by some of the dialogue but I figured that was down to me being a Brit and not from them there parts. It did also seem to be filled with cliche's and stereotypes from that part of the world, but again, what do I know? I get all my info about that region from True Blood and True Detective. Hey, I just realized both of those shows have the word True in it, is that something to do with the South?

Unfortunately the story, while charming, is thin and lacks tension or conflict. The boy fits in too easily, the relationship with his estranged father resolves too quickly.

However for a OWC this is a very solid start which will greatly benefit from a re-write and a few more pages. It's not my 'cup of tea' but I can appreciate the effort and creativity that went into this.

Nice work.

-Mark

Writer,

Hmm. That was pretty good, the writing style unique and brief, giving us just enough to see what you want us to. My only issue is that there wasn't much here to hang your hat on, not a lot of meat on the bones. And I wish there was more from where this came from, cause I'd be down to reading. It all went down so smooth, but as a short, it feels very incomplete. And I feel there's much more to this. If not, there should be. That's how much I enjoyed reading what you have so far. Very good work.

Steve

Nice story with good dialogue, but nothing really happened except that a kid finds a new home and starts a new life without any hassles. It might happen that way, but it's not a story people are going to read.