The Probe by Maheetma Trausasnake - Short, Romance, Comedy - After enduring unspeakable torment at his new job, a nerdy guy finds revenge - and love - may have just crawled in his bedroom window. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Since no one has replied to this yet, I figured I would give it a read. The formatting is good for the most part, you know how to write a script... but the story was extremely odd and out of place for me. Not sure if that's what you were going for or not, but it just seemed like one random scene right after another, and nothing made sense. Sorry but this one just wasn't for me.

This comes off as a pisser to me, sorry to say.  I guess you could call it comedy, but it's so out there, that it reeks of urine.

4 human characters and 1 talking alien, that is intro'd late in the game - is Alice the stranger in a strange land?  Not sure, but for me, the theme is not met, but in terms of the challenge, you get a pass.

Some may find this funny, and I do see the humor, but it's just so far from what I was hoping to see, based on the challenge.

Writing-wise, there are numerous mistakes, asides, subject-less action lines, smartass character descriptions.

Just not for me, sorry to say.

Grade * 1/2

Hi,

You keep introducing the characters and all kinds of them. I know the creatures were permitted by the requirements but the point was to create something filmable. Anyway, I guess even with the creatures - you did meet the requirements. Although I do think one of your main guys is supposed to be a fish out of the water, not other creatures which are not even being counted as a character.

Anyway, it started as a story of hate, Hugh is different and all, and the bullies are doing what they do best - being bullies. But what doesn't work for me is the build up. The bullies are always one-dimensional and there's no build to their bullying. And for some reason (and this is strictly IMO perhaps) stories like that don't strike a bone with me. Might be me.

Ugh - I've read 8 scripts and two of them now have people with objects in their ass. That's 25%! Did I misread the parameters somehow.

A real stretch on meeting the parameters of the challenge.

The dialogue fell flat for me - the scenes seemed random.

Sorry, wasn't for me.

Hey Writer,

Hahaha, loved that this has romance as a genre, in a weird way I guess it has a little.

Right, parameters. Not sure the girl in the dream counts as a character, I'll ignore her so pass. Pages fine, present time?? Maybe, and he's in a new job so I guess it's foreign. You had a couple of flash forwards in time, not cool.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, this was absolutely nuts and I kinda loved it. It makes no sense on any level, but I still don't care. Anal probes as a comedy vehicle works for me, the only misstep for me was the pregnancy at the end.

Right all that love, so much love and yet it really is out of contention with the flash forwards, them are the rules, and the other possible rule breaks considered too. I'd still just about give it a consider, just because.

Don't listen to the haters (unless you want to become a proper screenwriter), really enjoyed it.

Cam

P.S. a quick after comment following a re-read. Another absolute gem I forgot to mention was giving the ages for the goldfish and the alien, absolute bloody genius

LOL I was pissing myself right from the start with the description of Gary and Brad!

Comedy was allowed so no gripes from me. It did take a slight downturn on the comedy when Alice turned 'up' (teehee) as before that I was enjoying the angst heaped by Hugh by his dickhead co-workrs lol.

Anyway it made me laugh so thats all good. The Stranger In A Strange Land theme is a tough one to run with as I guess we can read anything remoting to that, can't we? I know mine had a tenous link but it came off ok.

This is fucking hilarious, some of the zingers were busts, but man, I couldn't stop laughing. There was a point during the dream (Parameters pushed hard in this one...) when I asked myself how awesome would it be if Hugh awoke to an alien and sure enough it happened.

The biggest laugh for me came when Hugh attempted to revive his goldfish. From jizz shampoo to alien sex I enjoyed this all the way. Nice work.

I didn't want to like this as I'm turned off by too many smart ass clever descriptions - nothing personal, it just irritates me.

Anyway, I couldn't help but like it. Comedy is subjective which is why some folks don't get this at all but I found it funny and followed it easily.

The introduction of Alice seemed a bit too late. I was thrown for a page or two, it really did come in out of left field. Maybe find a way to either introduce her or hint at things to come earlier on.

Towards the end it became a bit predictable with the revenge but it was still an enjoyable read.

-Mark

It's funny, but it doesn't quite hang together through the final turn, for me. Most of the story is about workplace bullies, and this is done really well, so that the revenge seems like the logical conclusion to the story. It's surprising when there's another full (further reality-bending) plot point after this, though the gag itself is funny.

It might help to drop something about Hugh's opinion on marriage/kids earlier. If he never wants kids, then the final sequence turns out to be a price for his revenge, which would tie things together.

The bullying scenes were the funniest to me -- the most pathos there. But this was all quite enjoyable, despite feeling a bit random at the end.

Well, you have your fish out of water. Dude in a new office. So check that off. Ah, but you have FIVE characters. You see, Caitlyn and Alice are different characters. I got that you were saying they're the same "person" and your descriptions even imply that they're played by the same person...someone with large breasts.

Overall, it isn't very imaginative really. A play on the alien anal probe gag with some gratuitous nudity and sex tossed in there for good measure. I suppose it does try to flow from point to point and it does tell a complete story, but it all comes off as a bit silly, which is likely the point.

It also was an all tell and no show sort of story chock full of frat boy humor which is rarely funny to anyone except the frat boy crowd. You need to figure out where to cut out some of the dialogue and put in the imagery you describe. For example, instead of stating there are bigger probes, you might cut to her showing him the various probes. It would elicit a better response from literally everyone involved and make the vindication that much more obvious.

However, there's not much here of redeemable value beyond the exercise of writing a mostly coherent story.

I think I can guess this writer too. This was good for what it was and found it entertaining. Good? Meh, but fun for sure. It's a stretch to meet the OWC stipulations but the other cubicles 'were conveniently empty.' LOL - what ever works, right?

Great effort - thanks for the diversion in the middle of my day!

5 characters, so, that's not good.  

It was funny, but, crazy, even too crazy for me.

I have no clue how you can fix it, so, I won't write much more.

Dan

You've got two stories going on here, but you only have time for one.

Gary and Brad killing the goldfish is a sophomoric stunt that deserves a nasty response, but it should be Hugh that delivers it not Alice.

Alice not being sure why she has to anal probe him is hilarious. I think the budding romance between them is the more interesting of the story threads.

Not a bad comedy. I can see this getting a few laughs and, for a short, that's all you need. Good luck.

I thought, good, a nice comedy.

Then I get down to that mentality in the dialogue at the bottom of page 1 and it's

oookay - chuck it.

Sandra

Okay nice nerd vs bully opening.

bottom p2 - He takes the fishbowl back home?

P3 "Our man…" this stuff hurts your story. There is no me, no we, no us or our in a story, especially not on p 3. It's a fallacy that such kind of writing works. Instead, it just makes me think you the writer isn't sure that I invest. And I invest like I'm there, with Hugh, him (not with your writing), story … there's no border between me and Hugh, well, as long as you say so - as you did.

P4 lol full Walter Mitty tone finally coming

P6 ups, aliens weren't allowed I guess regarding the real life 2017 parameter

All right. Charming to some degree but it's not completely convincing me. The story is too long considering that the script merely works with a wink of irony and superficial gag. In a slow Story that isn't so deep, instead of many average punch lines and jokes of same pattern by design, I'd prefer a quicker in and out with few true highlights. At least that's what I think when the drama around can't withstand for ten minutes and more, as I see it here. The whole alien part felt a bit constructed.

Still, it's a good effort I think. Some funny episodes were in there for sure.