Homecoming by David Lambertson writing as Also Blank - Short, Drama - A woman travels through a strange and dangerous land to reach her final resting place. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Writer,

Loved this:

Quoted Text The shadows of a dozen WOLVES weave in and out of the treeline at the edge of the forest. Low HOWLS and WHIMPERS as if they were talking to each other.

No further comment on that matter.

Parameters then. It had less than four characters, was set in current location and met the page count...foreign/fish out of water? I suppose it was once familiar and some may get sniffy about that, but I'll let it pass as it could be argued that the environment has completely changed from before.

Very well written, and well crafted. The story worked, and the descriptions were clear and concise. It was a nice little tale of loss, and the easing of an old woman's mental woes, and the setting was exceptionally well researched and described. The only typo I could spot was "stuff animals", should be "stuffed", but that's really minor.

One thought. Even though this is entirely set in a foreign setting, and the language between the two women is shared, as the screenplay is written in English maybe indicate the language being spoken (probably Ukrainian, maybe Russian).

Anyway, really enjoyed the read. Well done writer.

Cam

Clever Title.

Hit the mark in terms of the OWC rules.

Solid effort, IMO.

Hey, writer.

Small thing - Eve Ivanova. Not Ivanov. Maria Popova. Not Popov. Mind the gender. You're no Russian or Ukrainian - that I know now for sure)

Anyway, the story unravels pretty late. Lots of description of the place, and I don't know if you need that many pages for it.
Two would be enough. Eve meets Sofia only on p5 or around it - late for me.

The story is beautiful! And the ending really works for me, nice wrap-up. Nicely written, but you know that.

A lot of parentheticals. But it's up to you. Didn't spoil the read or anything.

Very well written, if not a tad over descriptive. I tend to skim when the action lines are so elaborate and found myself nearly doing it early on.

Cool concept, intriguing subject matter well handled. Defintely a writer who knows his stuff and had a solid idea how it should go.

Nice work

A bit over done on everything being motionless and still. I don't see a need to remind the reader every scene. We get it after awhile.

That said, the first few pages nothing happens. A woman evades wolves into city ruins. You've spent so much energy on describing rust you have forgotten your story. It's a screenplay. Not a novel.

Wow. No offense but as soon as Eve is captured and her and Sofia begin conversation it takes a real nose dive from me. The dialogue is super on the nose and not much else. It's a real flip to go from the overly detailed and vivid descriptions to the lackluster dialogue. Almost like two different scripts.

Couple things don't quite make sense. It's a story I get it, but IIRC there are parts of Chernobyl today that people can visit on tours so the whole blocked off and guarded thing won't totally hold. Still doesn't make sense Sofia is living there if it's a quarantined radioactive wasteland.

The idea of your hero being an elderly woman is a choice not often seen so I like that. The premise of having her come back for an memory is one I can get behind considering who she is, her condition, and the location. But story-wise, there just isn't much meat on the bone. Eve travels to Chernobyl, meets a woman, passes out, dies. She needs to do more but she can't as you've spent nearly half your pages on scenery. Give her more obstacles to overcome with her wit since she hasn't much else at this point. For example the wolves, they vaguely threaten her then just leave. Maybe she is prepared and has brought meat to distract them with, or has brought a gun (single bullet) for protection. A flare gun? Hunting rifle and she guns them down with ease? That really helps show us who Eve is and makes it easier to root for her as you've shown us more about her.

Needs more crafting, but a decent idea.

FUN FACT: Because the radioactive cloud from Chernobyl was so large and spread out so high in the atmosphere so long ago, and because radiation particles are so small and never go away everyone of us has a small piece of Chernobyl inside of you now.  

Writer,

The bad: way overwritten. You could trim at least a page if you cut this down.

That's it.

The good: great story, smartly written and touching. I've only read three, but this is clearly the best so far, and I've a feeling this will be in my top 5. Very nice work for the time allowed.

Steve

The writer displays precise description, appropriate for the setting, and some of the best snapshots of a painted story I've read in this challenge so far. I applaud how it's written - a closer look shows there's actually little overwriting in these sentences, and great care was given to how this story was told.

After Eve passed out, the rest of journey could be just another tale of something long ago lost. But there's something quite disturbing in the details of of Eve's dying words, I just wish it was painted with the same strokes the writer used in the first half of their storytelling.

I could be dead wrong,  but something tells me the author was dying to use a flashback here and overall the story is better because there isn't one. The first part is a flashback in itself really. I think the exchange between the two toward the end needs tension. Excellent job.

*Ivanova, I think?

One of my favourites, even if I wasn't a fan of how much dialogue it took to get us through all this. An original and imaginative story.

I do think Sofia shows up too late, and I definitely think there has to be a way to trim down some of this dialogue -- I like her telling her story, but it's a bit much, especially given how many major reveals come through the later dialogue. This is the kind of thing that could be cut way down if Sofia kept a couple items that could visually signify some of the reveals. Even something so simple as a colouring book that she and Maria both drew in -- something that she could show to Eve.

Well worth re-drafting this one. Tons of potential.

Writing appears to be dense early on, but is actually pretty solid.

Using a POV from a character we have not really seen is a mistake here - in fact, most "written" POV's are a mistake, as this shot here is no different than it would be if the POV wasn't included.

I am very against using random CAPPED words and phrases, but at least they're not also bolded.

So, you decide to finally properly intro Eve at the bottom of Page 1 - I'm wondering why you didn't do this immediately?  It's not like you were hiding anything by calling her a figure or the like.

Although the actual writing is pretty strong, for some reason, this is really dragging.

No need for "PRESENT DAY" in the SUPER, unless some othrr scenes weren't in present day, and if that's the case, we have a DQ here.

The comma, in the next line is so incorrect - hopefully a typo.

"RURAL HOUSE/LIVING ROOM" - Incorrect - in Slugs, when showing exactly where we are (which is fine and cool), use a dash and go from big to small.

Skimming at this point, as nothing is happening.

This POV is acceptable and mostly correct, but IMO, you need to say the view is through the dirty window.

Are Eve and Sofia supposed to be Russian?  If so, at the very least, they'd speak with an accent, which you need to tell us.

So, this 41 year old, small; framed woman is carrying Eve in her arms down the street?  Possible?  Sure, but let's understand, this ain't an easy carry for anyone over 40.

TOO MANY POV's!!!!!

I've done alot of research on Pripyat, and having Sofia supposedly live there still now, if beyond a reach.  There are tours that come through on a daily basis.  With no electricity and little to nothing to eat, she wouldn't have survived.

It is a nice story, though, and I like the ending alot, as Sophia decides to finally leave.

I just wish it was more entertaining early on.  Anyways, you get the highest scrore so far, so good job!

Grade - *** 1/2

Stranger in a strange land? Hmm, not sure. Eve was returning home, she's hardly a stranger if she grew up there but I suppose it is a strange land after the disaster. So..maybe!

Overwritten. Beautifully written but more prose than screenplay. You spend four pages describing Eve wandering around Chernobyl. That's four minutes of screen time of a girl wandering around a deserted city. You will have lost most of your audience by the time anything happens.

When something finally does happen, you've used so much with the build-up that the characters have to blurt out the plot using very on the nose dialogue. If you'd have kept the setup brief, introduced Sophia earlier and used more visual elements this would have felt less like exposition.

Flashbacks (or flash visions) could be a very usable element here. Eve remembering/seeing things how they used to be in the city from her memories. You don't have to use flashbacks of course, there are other options. She could come across a videotape of her kids recorded after she thought they had died for example.  

A wonderful and powerful story, but needs a lot of work in my humble opinion.

-Mark

Well, we have another script written in whatever program like boldfacing stuff. Can't say I care for it.

Do we have the stranger/fish thing? My inclination is no, but I think I see what you were going for. Eve was somewhere she didn't belong, but that being said I like what you did with it.

I thought it was a very well-written and descriptive story. I could see most everything in it, and what I didn't get is basically because I don't know what it is. I have no concept of the "Concrete Sarcophagus" so when I hit that part, I was momentarily removed. The tale of homecoming and all that, however, was nice. I liked it.

A couple things. Gotta learn that it's = a contraction of it and is while its = possessive it. It's important to a writer. Also, plush animals are described as "stuffed" not just "stuff."

The main ill I came up with was the very last scene. You don't need it. It can fade to black on the "Came Home At 73" cross in the ground and be done. It took me from melancholy to confused.

However, that aside, you did well with it. It made sense and told a good story. I'd wager your interpretation of the theme won't agree with most, but you got something good out of it.

Very good writing. As with any work, once the writer takes a fresh look a few weeks after completing the first draft, they will find places to trim. That's true here in the descriptions and the dialog, but for a first draft, the writing is excellent. I disagree with the idea that it was "novelistic". The story here is literally the town, and that requires description.

Which is also where the problem is, maybe: there's not much narrative. No character choices or dramatic turns(unless possibly a discreet one that is indicated by the ending).

But the writer really does do a great job of making the city the story, along with the general impression of what happened to survivors, such as Eve and Sophia.

I agree with Jeff that it would be very hard to carry a woman, unless Sophia is a very large woman herself. But Eve has lost weight with her illness, so I guess it could happen.

I'm not sure I understand the ending. Maybe I do.  She could not be just finding this car now, fueled and abandoned for some reason, and easily starting after all these years. So it must be a car she uses. But why is it left on the highway where she has to climb to reach it?

Or is the idea that the arrival of Eve has finally encouraged her to leave the city and find civilization? So she knew the car was there, she just never had need of it because she had no intention of leaving? If that's the idea, it's a very good one! But it should be showed in the story. In fact, if that's the intent, it might make sense to have Sophia be the protagonist, and therefore begin the story with her, and then a stranger arrives. In any case, she should be shown as someone who should leave, because she is the last one, but for some reason lacks the courage. Eve's arrival has to change all that in a way we can see.

Yes...this met the parameter of the OWC. She is returning to a changed place, so she is definitely a stranger in a strange land. This hits that requirement about as hard as it can be hit. She is returning to an uninhabited city. If that's not stranger in a strange land, I don't know what is.

I like the bold slugs. I have used them myself, though I avoid them usually now because some people really don't like them.

The POV issue didn't bother me, but Jeff might be giving good advice here in that it's more than needed, or can be handled in other ways.

Fine work for an OWC!

Quoted from leitskev I'm not sure I understand the ending. Maybe I do.  She could not be just finding this car now, fueled and abandoned for some reason, and easily starting after all these years. So it must be a car she uses. But why is it left on the highway where she has to climb to reach it? Or is the idea that the arrival of Eve has finally encouraged her to leave the city and find civilization? So she knew the car was there, she just never had need of it because she had no intention of leaving? If that's the idea, it's a very good one! But it should be showed in the story. In fact, if that's the intent, it might make sense to have Sophia be the protagonist, and therefore begin the story with her, and then a stranger arrives. In any case, she should be shown as someone who should leave, because she is the last one, but for some reason lacks the courage. Eve's arrival has to change all that in a way we can see.

My understanding was that the car was Eve's, as Even had told her where she left it and how she got through the guards.

Through Eve's death, Sofia now has life.

Ah! Yes, that's it! Thank you for clearing up. Obvious, but sometimes I'm slow.

Aside from being overwritten, I really enjoyed this one. It's a stretch but I do think it meets the requirements of the OWC. Definitely some on-the-nose writing but could be overcome with some clever Q&A between Eve and Sofia.

Very solid work - Nicely done!

Not overwritten at all. Overwriting is writing the unnecessary. I don't see anything unnecessary in the script. Without the writer describing the rust, I wouldn't have seen it. My problem with this script isn't the writing, which is quite amazing, but how boring the story is.

I know it will resonate with many others though. Just not my thing, or perhaps it's my current mood. Maybe I need to read it on a Sunday afternoon.

Excellent! I don't find it overwritten, it reads well and is highly visual. It is a tad slow, which could be addressed with a polish. The dialogue is very good, though heavy with exposition. It could probably be tightened up. The POVs annoyed me a bit, but it's nothing I'd hold against the script.

I think it fits the theme very well. Sure, it's her home, but this is not anything like her home. It's a wasteland, long dead and abandoned. It is a strange land no matter how familiar it might have once been.

The story is terrific, especially the ending. My only complaint about it is that it's pretty unbelievable anyone would still be alive there. I bought into it anyway, and the ending makes it worth it. I'd like to see a little more about Sofia to really make that ending have an impact, something that makes me happy for her taking the opportunity to finally leave.

Great job, one of my faves!

Not my script this one, but just seen a couple of comments re people living around Pripyat or lack there of. Listened to a doco on the BBC World Service last month where they were interviewing people living in the area. They were illegal, but most of them were actually oldies who'd moved back and were living a self sufficient lifestyle.

Believe it or not, they do exist!!

I can't think of anything negative to say about this script.

Well, if I try really hard I think that maybe you could do something a bit different with Sofia when she shows up rifle in hand, but that's what makes movies tick, so watcha gonna do.

A very well written script.

Sandra

One of the best, for sure.

Not sure if it meets the fish parameter since she was from there and she was an adult when it all happened...

I really am not sure it passes that test...

Other than that, solid story.  Yes, a bit overwritten, but, IMO, it never got boring.

I hope you fix it up and sell it one day.

Dan

Nice story and wonderful descriptions. Eve coming home to die is good hook into the story, but I think Sofia's story is the more interesting one. Sofia should have been able to manage to escape before now, considering how easy her  escape was at the end of this story.

The story mainly succeeds with atmosphere. This whole constant visualizing of new is great.

Some descriptions, while necessary, for some reasons didn't flow well along and I realized more than once a: wait, that was one page only…

Whatever… Later it gets to the dialogue heavy parts. It's always hard to connect with people talking about other people who are not in the picture. It's a "natural" dramaturgic problem I'm sure you may know yourself. Very hard to pull off a story in that structure.
How you've done it was definitely impressing since, as said, I find it super difficult to build a plot around some past and people who are not active in the picture.

Amazing atmosphere in this ghost town. Good characters. So, what's not to like here? I'll leave the answer open :-)


@ re genre: thought about if this isn't more of an adventure story from its core. We go more with the experience of what's next, new territory, than being static with characters and their problems. The drama seems more like the standard side game, which was great and strong btw

Loved it. I think this is a fantastic tale of love and loss. I have no doubt that this will be filmed someday.

Minor, and I do mean minor, nitpicks. The title - Khamanna is correct, the names should end in 'a' and Eve's first name should be Eva. That would make the title 'The Atom and Eva', which I don't mind so much. Except that I would also drop 'The'. ATOM AND EVA has more flow.

And some others have mentioned the dialogue. What they're speaking ABOUT is perfect, it's just that the syntax is too American. They would also probably fall into Russian after meeting but that's a director's choice about subtitles.

Also, which I didn't see anyone mention, this passes the Bechdel test, which means that any director would kill to get her / his hands on it.

Ironically I didn't think it fit the challenge, because the land is not strange to Eve - it's actually quite familiar. The land has changed, but does that make it strange? Who cares really, this challenge inspired you to create something beautiful and worthwhile.

With some attention to the dialogue, and in the hands of the right filmmaker, I can see this making noise at festivals. Great job.