The Dying Machine (was Emma) by Joseph Cahill - Thriller, Sci Fi - In the midst of a cataclysmic drought and the threat of mass extinction, a pregnant pre-teen may hold the answers to Earth's survival. 119 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


+++++++++++

Script removed.  See below concept art

Link is now working. Looking for feedback exchange if anyone is interested. Feature for feature.

Joseph

Joseph - in the middle of a bunch of projects right now but thought I would try to get to pieces of this as I get writer's block.

Got a look at the first five:

Quoted Text BLACK SCREEN The BUZZING of BEES goes on for what seems like an eternity.

Not sure you need to CAP Bees since we can't see them (i.e., black screen)

Quoted Text CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATORS enter, covered head to toe in bee suits.

How would one know they are crime scene investigators if they are covered in bee suits??

You have a ton of camera directions and "we sees" in the opening five pages. Generally frowned upon in spec scripts - but if you are comfortable with it - okay I guess.

It's quite confusing since you have a combination of detectives and bee folks interwoven into the opening.  Tough to visualize an ongoing investigation when the place is swamped with bees. My suggestion is to split this. I assume you are going to have a Detective at some point in time. Have her/him standing outside the trailer - occasionally swatting a bee as they wait for the bee folks to complete their work.  Then later have them in the trailer - and rather than the we sees - have your character walk us through the trailer.

Page 3 -

More of the we sees.  Really over using them.

Throughout the page sometimes you refer to him as the man and sometimes as the consultant - need to be consistent.

Missing a V.O for the Pastor middle of the page

Page 4

Did not like the reporter dialogue at all. It was unnatural and it was like you were trying to cram all of the story background into this one blurb. To my ear, it would be more natural if this was gradually developed - perhaps with Detectives talking to the boss or something like that.

Quoted Text INT. HOTEL. DAY.

This slug appears twice so far - incorrect format. No period after hotel - should be a - between hotel and day. I would also make it HOTEL ROOM

Page 5

Quoted Text The Consultant casually leaves. GARDENING TELEVISION HOST (V.O.) Flowers make people better, happier. They are sunshine for the soul...

Thought he turned off the TV in the earlier scene.

Quoted Text We slowly PAN across the walls. Every shelf, every bit of

More "we' and camera directions - I would just describe the place. It really is starting to distract from the read.

So after five pages - my gut reaction is - based on the story - yeah I would read on. Based on how it is written - I would not. It's overdone with camera directions and we sees to the point of taking me out of the story.

See what others think. I am just one point of view.

Quoted Text How would one know they are crime scene investigators if they are covered in bee suits??

That's a good question. Didn't consider that.

Quoted Text You have a ton of camera directions and "we sees" in the opening five pages. Generally frowned upon in spec scripts - but if you are comfortable with it - okay I guess.

I need to look through the script and trim this stuff. I don't want it to be distracting.

Quoted Text It's quite confusing since you have a combination of detectives and bee folks interwoven into the opening.  Tough to visualize an ongoing investigation when the place is swamped with bees. My suggestion is to split this. I assume you are going to have a Detective at some point in time. Have her/him standing outside the trailer - occasionally swatting a bee as they wait for the bee folks to complete their work.  Then later have them in the trailer - and rather than the we sees - have your character walk us through the trailer.

I like the idea, actually. I'll take a look at that.

Quoted Text Throughout the page sometimes you refer to him as the man and sometimes as the consultant - need to be consistent.

Noted.

Quoted Text Missing a V.O for the Pastor middle of the page

Noted.

Quoted Text Page 4 Did not like the reporter dialogue at all. It was unnatural and it was like you were trying to cram all of the story background into this one blurb. To my ear, it would be more natural if this was gradually developed - perhaps with Detectives talking to the boss or something like that.

I knew this. Too on the nose. I'm gonna redo this piece of dialogue.

Quoted Text This slug appears twice so far - incorrect format. No period after hotel - should be a - between hotel and day. I would also make it HOTEL ROOM

Noted.

Quoted Text So after five pages - my gut reaction is - based on the story - yeah I would read on. Based on how it is written - I would not. It's overdone with camera directions and we sees to the point of taking me out of the story.

I obviously need to work on this. I don't want the opening to be such that people are turned off.

Quoted Text See what others think. I am just one point of view.

Thanks for the look. I always appreciate and value your feedback.

Joseph

My pleasure Joseph, - I will try to get back to this after I am done with the swamp of things consuming me right now- best of luck

Okay - had a chance to get to the next five. My impressions on those:

Your dialogue is solid, IMO.  

I like your character descriptions and use of asides/umfilmables. Keep in mind that I am often told I over describe - so wait on feedback from other peeps - but I do like that you are vivid -
even poetic with their descriptions. I still think they can be clipped a bit. Using this is an example:

Quoted Text This isn’t the girl who was valedictorian in high school. She’s the girl you bought weed from. Though her easy, charming looks make you see why everyone likes her. Yet, there is a hardness to her features - a fighter’s toughness.

So, I can see and feel this girl - bravo. I love the first line but think you start to over do it just a bit. I would trim it to:

This isn’t the girl who was valedictorian in high school.
She’s the girl you bought weed from. There  a hardness to her features - a fighter’s toughness.

Your room descriptions are vivid and while I like them I think they are over cooked.  By way of example, this:

Quoted Text INT. RAMSHACKLE STUDIO APARTMENT. DAY Interrupted sunlight bathes the room. Each dirty corner, every spent cigarette butt, misplaced piece of clothing exposed in the bright, early morning light. We slowly PAN across the walls. Every shelf, every bit of wall space is taken up by FIGHTING PARAPHERNALIA - BOXING MEDALS and 1st PLACE FIGHTING TROPHIES. A HEAVY BAG hangs from the ceiling in one corner. GARDENING TELEVISION HOST (V.O.) There are but a few things in life that satisfy one’s desire... We stop on an old, boxed television - the kind your parents had - and watch and old 80s GARDENING TELEVISION HOST prune tomato plants. He’s the gardening equivalent of Bob Ross. We follow a set of AV cables from the TV to an old VCR. It’s playing the gardening show. There’s a mattress on the floor in the other corner, a thin white sheet covering the outline - head to toe - of someone either passed out or asleep... Or dead.

So, personally - I like it. But I think it is too dense to get through those (e.g., whoever it is that buys scripts) to keep going on for the rest of the story. A crisper version could be something like:

INT. RAMSHACKLE STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

Dimly lit, dusty and cluttered.

One wall is covered with FIGHTING PARAPHERNALIA - BOXING
MEDALS and 1st PLACE FIGHTING TROPHIES. A HEAVY BAG hangs
from the ceiling in the corner.

In the other corner,  a thin white sheet covers the outline  of a body.

GARDENING TELEVISION HOST (V.O.)
There are but a few things in life
that satisfy one’s desire.

A VHS tape WHIRLS in a VCR machine set on top of an old, boxed television.

On the screen, a  GARDENING TELEVISION HOST prunes
tomato plants.

SO, the sweet spot is probably somewhere in between. Long winded way of saying that the descriptions you use read like a novel - a very well written one.  I don't know, just food for thought - but I would clop them a bit.

Quoted Text Your dialogue is solid, IMO.

I did work on this a bit. It is soft in spots, though. I do need to go through it again.  

Quoted Text I like your character descriptions and use of asides/umfilmables. Keep in mind that I am often told I over describe - so wait on feedback from other peeps - but I do like that you are vivid - even poetic with their descriptions. I still think they can be clipped a bit.

I just get so excited when I get such a clear image of the scene, its characters, etc. I feel like I want to share every texture, every nuance of that scene with the reader... though, you are right... it does get a bit long-winded.

Quoted Text This isn’t the girl who was valedictorian in high school. She’s the girl you bought weed from. There  a hardness to her features - a fighter’s toughness.

You make it seem so easy. It does read cleaner for a script.

Quoted Text INT. RAMSHACKLE STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY Dimly lit, dusty and cluttered. One wall is covered with FIGHTING PARAPHERNALIA - BOXING MEDALS and 1st PLACE FIGHTING TROPHIES. A HEAVY BAG hangs from the ceiling in the corner. In the other corner,  a thin white sheet covers the outline  of a body. GARDENING TELEVISION HOST (V.O.) There are but a few things in life that satisfy one’s desire. A VHS tape WHIRLS in a VCR machine set on top of an old, boxed television. On the screen, a  GARDENING TELEVISION HOST prunes tomato plants.

Again, I do like the way this reads without losing the texture and color of the scene.

Quoted Text SO, the sweet spot is probably somewhere in between.

Agree.

Quoted Text Long winded way of saying that the descriptions you use read like a novel - a very well written one.

Thanks. Not good for a script, but thanks.

Dave, thanks for sticking with this so far.

Let me know when I owe you a read in return.

Joseph

No problem - glad it helped

                                                               Review of Emma
I didn't read any of the other reviews so if I repeat things that is why.

Pg. 2-A little typo, "Whoever lived here was a obsessed with computers"  Take out the A.
Pg. 3-The first paragraph the line reads "Standing at the edge of the bed thrusting himself into an unseen woman lying on the bed. I would take out lying on the bed. lean and mean right?
Pg.4-The reporters dialogue seems too long.   How will the audience know she is a prostitute?
Pg.5-BACK TO SCENE - I thought we were in the scene?   Last thing I know he shut the TV off, now it's back on. How?   Who is Bob Ross?   Should we care?
Pg.19-Is it Wig who unties the girl? It says HE.
Pg.20-Preacher is rambling for too long.
At this point in the script I was still confused.
Pg.23-It's hide not hid.   Isolated gas station scene seems overwritten to me. (Don't need to say that the pump fills the gas tank.) my opinion.
Pg.24-You phrase Bon as a man. (to himself)
Pg.29-Oh the truck has a camper, didn't know that all this time.
Pg.32-You keep saying Bon is a guy, "Bon does as he's told"
Pg.33-Breaker is written as BRE.
Pg.35-Quit writing BON is a man,,, He's a girl.. lol..      Damn Bon must be strong as shit.
Pg.39-He's smelling a flower one minute then he's all of a sudden PISSING on them. lol Where'd that come from?
Pg.40-The line--Breaker takes pulls the alcoholic drink away from Bon. Did he Take or Pull? one or the other not both.
Pg.41-Yuck Tuna Casserole lol just my dislike...
Pg.49-"Bon's holds an outstretched arm towards Rollie"  Not Bon's holds. Bon holds.
Pg.44-54-Great action/suspense.
Pg.54-"Going north as the crow flies" is that a saying?

Good going so far, I am not a great reviewer yet but I try.
I will write more soon.
Mike

Great news!

Nice to have a feature in dev. Has the budget been figured out yet? I know in some cases, particularly with indie projects, the budget is determined later, as attachments gained during the dev process can add weight to funds raised.

Good luck, and I hope it gets a big budget.

Congrats!

Thanks. We are looking at a 4 million dollar budget. We are in the fundraising and script development stages right now. Trying to secure a well known HBO producer.

We'll keep you updated on the process.

If I could figure our how to post image attachments, I'd post some concept art!

Quoted from medstudent Thanks. We are looking at a 4 million dollar budget. We are in the fundraising and script development stages right now. Trying to secure a well known HBO producer. We'll keep you updated on the process. If I could figure our how to post image attachments, I'd post some concept art!

4 mill's quite a tidy sum. Hopefully you get a nice percentage of that in your contract. Did you get an option fee?

Concept art:

That's some really good work. Looks great.

I know, I love the artwork. Really brings the characters to life. We're in works with a limited release graphic novel to accompany the film.

Joseph

Looks solid, dude.  Kudos.

Sensational!

Looks great. Looks like the type of artwork found in a 2000AD graphic novel back in the day. Good luck with the project.

The early production on the film has been halted for the time being. Thank you, Don for hosting it again. I am placing the newest draft to get some feedback. I would trade a review in exchange for a read and review of anything else.

Joseph