Print Topic
SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / A Happy Family
Posted by: Don, August 9th, 2017, 9:27pm
A Happy Family by Warren Duncan - Short, Drama, Psychological - An expectant mother's perfect family falls apart when the past comes back to haunt her. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 10th, 2017, 5:22am; Reply: 1
Code INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Neat, spacious kitchen. |
|
It says kitchen in the slug.
Code A Printout of a seven week old baby ultrasound displays on the fridge, amongst various photos of a happy COUPLE. |
|
An ultrasound printout of a seven-week-old baby amidst photos of a happy COUPLE are pinned to the fridge door with alphabet magnets.
A couple of what? I think here you need to go all out and describe the couple using the photograph as a means. As it stands, you've intro'd COUPLE as a single character without an age or description.
Code KARA, 30, girl next door kind of beautiful, sits at the kitchen table, drinks coffee and reads the paper.
HENRY, 55, solid build, looks dapper in his work suit, enters the room. |
|
I assume we are to take it that the COUPLE previously intro'd are related to the two characters we now see in the kitchen. The previous image you had conjured of the COUPLE, plus using my own imagination, had been of Siamese twins. I now see that the COUPLE you really want to describe are sitting at the kitchen table. The previous image of COUPLE now is quite pointless. I was looking forward to the Siamese twins. Would have made a nice change.
You also gave the impression of a large house. A house so large they must eat in the kitchen? I'm confused as to the exact affluence of the location.
Code KARA, 30, girl next door kind of beautiful, sits at the kitchen table, drinks coffee and reads the paper. |
|
KARA, 30, girl-next-door beautiful, sits at a table, drinks coffee and reads the paper.
Reads the paper? Is this set in the early 90s? Wouldn't she be on a laptop? Hardly a girl-next-door at 30. She would be a real woman by 30. Although, I accept there always exceptions. Perhaps this is one of them. So, she's 30 going on 18 and prefers newspapers over the internet. What type of newspaper? This would help me better imagine her. Interesting clues.
Code HENRY, 55, solid build, looks dapper in his work suit, enters the room. |
|
HENRY, 55, solid build, dapper work suit, enters.
All the important information without the rigmarole. Not saying this is good though, either. Although it's passable, I'd be looking to redo this intro on a rewrite. Overwriting only concerns the unnecessary and is not necessarily about word count. An overwritten sentence can inadequately describe something in fewer words than a good sentence can adequately do so in more.
Code He walks over to Kara, kisses her on the cheek. |
|
Avoid 'walks over to'. Remember, this is camera-work. Simply... He kisses her on the cheek.
Code Henry leans down and kisses her belly, she isn't showing.
HENRY
How are my two favourite girls this morning?
KARA
Don't get your hopes up, could just as easily be a boy.
HENRY
Not a chance. |
|
None of the usual he wants a boy, she wants a girl for this guy. Isn't he great? He just has to be a serial killer.
Code He produces a large cheeky smile. |
|
The above not only reads clunky but takes up a whole line of action with a resultant double space just for a smile. Here, a parenthesis in the previous dialogue would have been better. So...
HENRY
(cheeky smile)
Not a chance.
Code Henry goes to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup. |
|
Henry pours a coffee.
I'll stop with that shit now, as I'm sure you get the idea...
The story itself has legs. Although not particularly well crafted in its present state, I think it has potential as both a short and a feature. I think way more should be done to lull the reader/viewer into believing the relationship is a normal one. You signpost it too early and this does the story a disservice. Be more subtle.
A director may pick it up in its present state and work with you to perfect it. The work here may be just good enough to sell. However, IMO, the story is worthy of delving deeper into and getting the best out of it.
Posted by: eldave1, August 10th, 2017, 11:08am; Reply: 2
Warren - there is a lot to like here, there were some hiccups for me.
SPOILERS
When Kara is examining the heart shaped birthmark on the back of her neck - it is set as it's the first time she's seen it. Did not strike me a plausible - I know it's on the back of her neck, but there are mirrors, she surely has been to a Doctor, hair stylist, etc where they would have mentioned it, etc. I like the build-up to the moment - guess I didn't buy the premise of it.
Struck me as odd that Henry would keep all those old newspaper articles (evidence) stuffed away in the shed shoe box. Also, just a a bit too convenient. I do like the flashback contrasting present day shed with what she endured as a child. To me, the flashback would be enough for her to continue her research - maybe she starts doing internet research on the missing girl and discovers the old articles on the internet - ans - the revelation about the heart shaped birthmark and that initiates the oh my God moment - i.e., cause she knows she has a heart shaped birthmark. Just a thought.
I had a problem with the abortion scene. I am pro-choice, so it's not a morality issue. It is a character issue. Kara - ostensibly - already loves this baby to be, wants to have a child. Yet, she is willing to kill it when stuck in the shed. It seemed like an odd way out of her dilemma. Could be just me. But the way she chose lost empathy from me - like I didn;t really understand her anymore.
The ending - so a year later everything is back to where it was. Didn't make sense to me. I think I understand the premise - but a year just seemed too soon. Again - maybe that's just me.
Anyway - just my ramblings. Hopefully they are useful.
Posted by: Warren, August 10th, 2017, 4:55pm; Reply: 3
Thanks for the read Dave,
Always enjoy your ramblings and they are always very useful.
I did struggle a bit with when to release the birthmark information and how to do it. I felt any other way would blow the page count out and at the end of the day I want my shorts read.
Yes definitely convenient, lazy writing maybe, still trying to conserve pages.
Wasn't sure how people would take that scene, I guess in my mind she has remember that she has been beaten, raped, kidnapped, and kept for 20 years and now Henry is telling her at the very least she is going to be there for another 8 or so months. I'm not sure how anybody would react in that situation. For me personally, I'd take away the incentive. I hoped that people saw it more as desperation and continued to sympathise with Kara.
Easy to blow the time frame out a bit more.
I'd say I am way over due for a return read. Any particular feature you would like me to take a look at?
Edit:
Sorry did forget to say that the premise was an extreme version of Stockholm Syndrome. I hope that came across.
I felt that if Martyrs could get you to suspend belief and have a woman beaten and mistreated to the point that she could be skinned alive, that having Kara forget who she was is a much smaller ask. Yes I know Martyrs isn't about Stockholm Syndrome but hopefully you get what I mean.
Appreciated as always.
Posted by: eldave1, August 10th, 2017, 6:56pm; Reply: 4
Very much got the Stockholm Syndrome angle - although not sure that comes with memory loss - but the point is taken.
Be interesting to see what others think on the abortion angle - hope they take a look - certainly worth a read.
In terms of reads on my stuff - not at this moment. I am about 90% thru a feature that I will be posting sometime over the next few weeks. Would appreciate it if you took a look at that - or at least part of it when it gets up.
Cheers - and best of luck with this one.
Posted by: Warren, August 10th, 2017, 7:01pm; Reply: 5
Will read the lot, you consistently read and comment on my work, and I really do appreciate your insight.
If I miss it for some reason, please feel free to give me a nudge in the right direction.
Thanks again.
Posted by: eldave1, August 10th, 2017, 7:06pm; Reply: 6
Will read the lot, you consistently read and comment on my work, and I really do appreciate your insight.
If I miss it for some reason, please feel free to give me a nudge in the right direction.
Thanks again. |
Will do
Posted by: SAC, August 10th, 2017, 10:11pm; Reply: 7
Warren,
Good writing, well told. Absolutely gruesome to read in spots! I liked this a lot, but I have a logic issue, and I'm wondering if it's because I missed something...
SPOILERS
It's kinda like Kara/Sofia's mind got erased/brainwashed after several years the first time, right after she was abducted. The second time, after the abortion, it only takes about a year. I get it - brainwashing is a powerful tool. But, and this is what I might have missed, is Henry some kind of master brainwasher or gaslighter? I don't remember anything that suggests that he is, save for the slop, to the board games, to trust. Is that it? It just seems a stretch that he'd be able to do that - both times, really - to the same person without more explanation as to just how good Henry is at this. I feel it needs something that stands out. Really stands out for me to buy this, regarding Henry's technique. To get Kara to sort of forget all of this and start anew seems a bit of a stretch.
Your thoughts?
BTW, the birthmark scene doesn't bother me that much. It's a major plot point, and I feel the way it's written is fine. I get what Dave's saying, though, and it makes complete sense, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I feel there are certain things we can get away with for sake of the story.
Steve
Posted by: Warren, August 10th, 2017, 10:39pm; Reply: 8
Thanks for the read Steven,
Glad you liked it.
Yeah I totally agree with you and Dave. I will extend the SUPER at the end. Honestly don't know why I went with one year in the first place.
You didn't miss anything. I just should have written it better:)
Again, thanks for taking the time.
Posted by: khamanna, August 11th, 2017, 10:05am; Reply: 9
Hey, Warren.
Just read this and some of your explanation to this.
I got the Stockholm syndrome by the way.
It's still not very clear though. I'm thinking she could read about the syndrome in the paper. Or hear about it in the news. She read about the abduction. And she heard some on the news. She could have read or seen about the syndrome as well.
I'd still vote for a different ending because even if the syndrome stuff is clear it's still strange that she pulled out a baby with a hanger and changed in three years.
The birthmark - I didn't have problems with it, just bought into it.
Posted by: MarkItZero, August 11th, 2017, 1:44pm; Reply: 10
Nice job, was an easy read. Pretty intense towards the end. I didn't really have a problem with the birthmark thing or the newspapers as logic issues. Although, now that someone mentioned them it seems glaring. But I was engrossed enough in the read those things didn't surface.
I did have a problem with the ending. Even if you make it three, five, however many years. I'd try and find some other way to go. What's that, you want me to offer alternative endings? I thought you'd never ask...
Maybe you keep the super of a year later. Except she's still locked in the shed. He opens the door, they have a little conversation where it seems like she's starting to be re-programmed. And he says something like "I think you're almost ready to come out." Then he closes the door and we see she's got a makeshift weapon ready behind her back.
Or, maybe he opens the shed door and tosses in a kidnapped little girl. Says something about how he's going to start over with a better wife. And it ends with Kara consoling the terrified girl, holding her almost like it's her own child.
Posted by: Tyler King, August 11th, 2017, 3:51pm; Reply: 11
This was pretty good Warren... overall formatting is good, could possibly cut some details/rearrange them in your action lines, as a few are a little wordy. Could be condensed is all, nothing major...
So Kara was brain washed then? Is that why she doesn't remember? And then she is brain washed again at the end? Was a little confused I guess, but I get the just of it. The abortion scene was really gross, stomach churning...
This isn't really my kind of script or whatever, but it was nicely written/formatted. Good luck man!
Posted by: Warren, August 12th, 2017, 1:40am; Reply: 12
Thanks for the read khamanna, James, and Tyler.
Khamanna, if you got the Stockholm syndrome then how is it not clear, that doesn't really make sense. I feel to put it in words in the script in any way would be on the nose.
James, will take your endings into consideration but I really like the ending to be honest. People do seem to have a problem with it but I'll see.
Tyler, you are the first person to ever call one of my scripts wordy haha. I consider myself such a lean writer. Could you maybe give an example of what you think might be overwritten?
Yeah there is definitely a level of brainwashing, more so influenced by the Stockholm syndrome angle (I've taken some artistic licence).
Thanks again all, much appreciated:)
Posted by: Tyler King, August 12th, 2017, 1:50am; Reply: 13
Tyler, you are the first person to ever call one of my scripts wordy haha. I consider myself such a lean writer. Could you maybe give an example of what you think might be overwritten? |
One example could be this...
"Kara washes the dishes. She places a mug in the drying rack, then lets the water out of the sink.
She grabs a towel to dry her hands and notices the paper in the bin."
It could be shortened as...
"Kara finishes up the dishes. Notices the paper in the bin."
See what I mean? I can't say too much because I tend to be overly detailed in my scripts too, however I am slowly learning, and I was told that if it isn't TRULY significant, you can shorten it. You don't have to describe every single move the character makes, the actor can figure that out. At least that's what I've been told anyway, just thought I would mention it.
By no means is it bad, though. Like I said I am learning myself. :)
Posted by: Warren, August 12th, 2017, 2:15am; Reply: 14
Agreed that could be shortened. I used the mug as a CONTINUOUS, wanted the reader to kind of link it to the previous scene in the kitchen that way (not sure that makes sense).
The rest can go, it probably won't but I do see your point. I think if I knew I had an overwitting issue it would be something I'd address on a larger scale but this I can live with.
Posted by: stevemiles, August 12th, 2017, 6:22am; Reply: 15
Warren,
This started out a little slow, but the mention of abduction signals something about this happy family is ‘off’ which works to pull it along. The point it slipped for me was Kara’s sudden realisation that she’s Sofia. If she’d been taken at a younger age perhaps, but ten years old feels a stretch to have forgotten this past life and I’m not sure how she’d forget what is essentially an ongoing experience. Not to say it couldn’t be done, but that’s a lot of ground covered in a short space which you can only scratch the surface of here. This is, by its nature, a much deeper psychological experience. It’s a question of buying into it with little understanding as to how Henry has kept this secret from the outside world and how Kara has come to ‘forget’ and accept this situation as love.
If anything the pregnancy could be Kara’s way out - use it to manipulate Henry, turn the tables as she now has something he wants and is desperate to protect. Taking that away puts her right back in the same situation as before.
Not sure there’s much to take away from this as every beat doubles down on Kara’s misery: She starts off happy at the thought of being a mother; then discovers everything is a horrific lie; then aborts her pregnancy before returning to the man who did this to her with the suggestion of starting over. All is forgotten again and life goes on as ‘normal’. There’s no sense of hope or justice served - no suggestion of a way out, just a grim futility that Henry gets what he wants. It works in as much as it's an uncomfortable conclusion. Writing wise I’d find it hard to put down, but on a gut reaction the story is too bleak for me - not something I’d enjoy watching. That doesn’t mean others wouldn’t and these low budget psychological dramas tend to get picked up so best of luck with it.
Steve
Posted by: khamanna, August 12th, 2017, 6:38am; Reply: 16
Warren, I'm saying "still not very clear" because Kara totally forgot Henry was her abductor. It's like she's on drugs.
And maybe I'm mistaken, you tell me, but I don't think that's how the syndrome works. Stockgolm syndrome is when you remember everything but you love that person and beleive that he's the right one for you. This syndrome is the only explanation that fits the setting that's why I said I got it.
On the other hand, yes it would be an early reveal. I don't think it's something that would be on the nose though. Your call of course. At any rate I liked the script, liked the intensity of it, so while it's true that you left me with a couple of questions but it's still a captivating read.
Posted by: Warren, August 13th, 2017, 5:36pm; Reply: 17
Hi Steve,
Thanks for the read and through feedback.
Yeah I definitely agree it's a big ask and potentially feature material so it can be fleshed out a bit more.
As far as how grim it is, that's just how I write. I've never written a short or feature with a happy ending. They are always quite dark. I'm not really sure why that is, but I never have any other type of story that comes to me.
Thanks again.
Posted by: Warren, August 13th, 2017, 5:40pm; Reply: 18
Khamanna,
I fully understand what is involved in Stockholm syndrome, I have taken some artistic licence and made this a more extreme version of that relationship. I've taken some artistic licence. As a writer I feel I'm aloud to do that.
This piece probably needs to be longer though to allow the relationship to be built up more.
Posted by: RichardR, August 14th, 2017, 3:07pm; Reply: 19
Some notes.
I liked this one, but it became a straight line story until the ending which I found a bit bizarre. after all, she's not 6 any more. And she's in a tool shed, with tools, presumably sharp tools. And while I can see her giving up for herself, I don't see it for her baby.
I understand the stockholm syndrome, and I can appreciate the psychological elements, but I would expect her to at least make a try for freedom. I was hoping the coat hanger was a feint, and as he bends over to inspect, she clomps on his neck with sharp garden shears. But that's not your story.
Of course, there are other elements that might need tweaking. Presumably, he has to make excuses as to her disappearance and then reappearance. Awkward after three years. But that's me.
Best
Richard
Posted by: Warren, August 14th, 2017, 7:24pm; Reply: 20
Thanks for the read Richard,
All very good suggestions, but yes I agree that they would change the story quite significantly.
I'm currently taking another look at this one with everyone's comments in mind.
Appreciate it.
Print page generated: December 13th, 2024, 2:44am
Powered by
E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006