Mis[s]taken by Bryce - Thriller - Abbi, a Reno High School Senior, has vanished – leaving authorities without a trace. Her single mother, Lori,  is left only with questions surrounding her daughter’s disappearance. As Lori struggles for answers, more questions amass when a determined Abbi-copycat wants to play. 82 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Bryce: Not a promising start.

Page 1

First scene heading = wrong format

N need to number scenes

Indents on action = wrong format

Page length, margins and fonts are not standard

You don't indicate where the opening VO comes from - radio maybe?

Anyway - will take another look if this gets cleaned up. But not now

Would you recommend using Amazon Storywriter?

I used a template for this one, but it seems the formatting is all wrong.

BT, some screenwriting software info for you.


http://simplyscripts.com/?s=damned%20script

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1502462340/s-0/

http://www.trelby.org

Quoted from BThomas Would you recommend using Amazon Storywriter? I used a template for this one, but it seems the formatting is all wrong.

Libby's links have all you need to know - lots of good free options

Thank you both!

Sent it through for an updated revision, looks properly formatted now.

Looking for some feedback. First real screenplay, worked more on novels. So, anything helps like if I need to be less descriptive, more descriptive. I'm over-analyzing some scenes/dialogue I think needs work, and I'm interested to see what anyone has to say - if you can find the time.

Bryce:

I would lose the footer on each page - it distracts from the read.

Same with the Scene Numbers - you don't need them.

Formatting still slightly off - you don't need the indent on the action lines after your scene headings. They should line up. Check out any script here.

I would Lose the CUT TOs and the automatic CONT'Ds on top of each page - not really needed.

Quoted Text 1. EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. EARLY MORNING. 1 A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee, lightly blowing across it as he slowly drives his delivery van down the street.

The scene heading is wrong. We are in the van.  You can either separate these in two headings:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY

A van creeps down the road.

INT. VAN - DAY

A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee...

Or you can combine them.

INT/EXT. VAN ON RESIDENTIAL STREET (TRAVELLING) - DAY

The format of your scene heading is also wrong. Here is a good resource:

http://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Also - would be real helpful here if you described the man when introduced. e.g., is he 18 or 70 for example?

Quoted Text A YOUNG MAN is kneeling in the back of the van, tossing copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.

Better to write active. i.e., rather than a young man is kneeling, write - a young man kneels.

Check for this throughout your script.

Quoted Text MARK (V.O) Investigators are looking further into the circumstances surrounding the

Who's Mark? Same with Kathy later. You have zero descriptions for these characters. We don't even know their age.

Anyway - a few things you can work with.

Quoted from eldave1 Bryce: I would lose the footer on each page - it distracts from the read. Same with the Scene Numbers - you don't need them. Formatting still slightly off - you don't need the indent on the action lines after your scene headings. They should line up. Check out any script here. I would Lose the CUT TOs and the automatic CONT'Ds on top of each page - not really needed. The scene heading is wrong. We are in the van.  You can either separate these in two headings: EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY A van creeps down the road. INT. VAN - DAY A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee... Or you can combine them. INT/EXT. VAN ON RESIDENTIAL STREET (TRAVELLING) - DAY The format of your scene heading is also wrong. Here is a good resource: http://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm Also - would be real helpful here if you described the man when introduced. e.g., is he 18 or 70 for example? Better to write active. i.e., rather than a young man is kneeling, write - a young man kneels. Check for this throughout your script. Who's Mark? Same with Kathy later. You have zero descriptions for these characters. We don't even know their age. Anyway - a few things you can work with.

Yeah, I clicked on the link. The old version is still up. The new one I sent in, so I'm not sure when it's going to be posted.

The new revision doesn't have scene numbers, I dropped the footer, and clarified what we are seeing and hearing.

As for Mark, I describe him at the end as the New's Broadcast runs during the credits as it's the first time you actually see him. Kathy, I added her age when the broadcast cuts to her filming where Abbi's car was found.

I get where you're going with the scene headings, and combining them. I'll work on that.

Okay dokay

You may want to consider losing all of the camera directions - not common in a spec script.

Quoted from eldave1 Okay dokay You may want to consider losing all of the camera directions - not common in a spec script.

Yeah, I was confused when I saw it was revised, haha. I emailed the staff with the new revision just now.

Got rid of the directions in the new draft, too.

New revision is up! Thanks, Don.

Get rid of all the 'we see', 'we hear' stuff.

Code We see a YOUNG MAN kneeling in the back of the van, tossing copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.

A YOUNG MAN kneels in the back of the van, tossing
copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.

Code We hear a Television New's Broadcast.

Why is it a TV news broadcast and not playing through the radio? I wouldn't even write the above line of action. As it's a sound we could simply hear it, like so:

THROUGH RADIO (VO)
Blah Blah Blah.

Hey Dustin, thanks for the feedback.

Just out of curiosity since I'm new to screenwriting, what is the proper way to indicate certain sounds or points of interest we should be seeing or hearing?

For example. In one scene my lead, Detective Etheridge, is seen walking into a building and we hear knocking as he's crossing the street before it cuts to him standing outside of the suspect's door. In my script, I wrote it as:

"We hear loud knocking as we follow Etheridge into KIMBERLY'S BUILDING--"

For seeing something:

"Etheridge finishes scribbling, stands up, and grabs his jacket.

On Etheridge’s notepad, we see ‘MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave’."

Quoted from BThomas For example. In one scene my lead, Detective Etheridge, is seen walking into a building and we hear knocking as he's crossing the street before it cuts to him standing outside of the suspect's door. In my script, I wrote it as: "We hear loud knocking as we follow Etheridge into KIMBERLY'S BUILDING--"

You're directing the way the scene should be shot. For one thing, reading 'knocking' I have no idea what type of knocking I'm meant to be hearing. Why does he even need to walk into the building? Just have him knock the door.

"Etheridge bangs on the door."

Quoted Text For seeing something: "Etheridge finishes scribbling, stands up, and grabs his jacket. On Etheridge’s notepad, we see ‘MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave’."

Etheridge scribbles 'MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave.' on a notepad.

or...

Etheridge scribbles on the notepad then leaves.

On the notepad, 'MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave.'

Makes sense. I'll work on that.

Thank you for clarifying for me.

Try not to direct the scenes too much. Nothing too fancy. Directing is a different job. Our job is to tell a story as visually as we can. It's a learning curve.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's a learning curve.

Yeah, I'm beginning to learn that, haha.

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it.

I've recently gone back to writing properly and found it's also a learning curve going back again. I spent five years screenwriting, three of those years spent perfecting it. Although good enough to pass fairly early on, it was perfection of the craft I sought.

I think a good piece of advice while learning this craft is to also write short stories and novels at the same time. Partly so you don't lose it and have to relearn, but also because this screenwriting game is bloody tough.

You can write the greatest script ever, and everyone can agree that it is, however, nobody wants to make it. So it ends up on a shelf, the greatest script ever, but that's all it is. A script without a filmmaker is nothing, not worth a penny.