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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Ninja Man
Posted by: Don, August 13th, 2017, 10:49am
Ninja Man by Justin Swartz - Comedy, Action, Parody - An out-of-work actor forgets who he really is and assumes the identity of his Power Ranger-style character, Ninja Man. 140 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: LuisAnthony, August 14th, 2017, 6:24pm; Reply: 1
Hello!

The script is very long. A very long script like this really discourages readers to fully commit into reading it. I suggest  trimming the script. Analyze every scene, every line of dialogue, every character action, and think if it absolutely needs to be there to advance the plot. Action/Comedy films normally should be shorter, efficient, and quick to the point.

If you believe this script absolutely earns the 140 page count, then I suggest seeking direct feedback from someone, script exchanges are quite successful here.
Posted by: HyperMatt, September 4th, 2017, 8:44am; Reply: 2
The most important lesson I've learned this year is that even 120 pages for a spec script is too long. If you want industry professionals to take it seriously, it has to be in the 90s at most.
Posted by: HyperMatt, September 7th, 2017, 5:58pm; Reply: 3
I at last got through your 140 pages. This is clearly a parody of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Show, and maybe also of Ninja movies. Let me start by saying I have never been a fan of either, so I’m sure there is a lot of in-jokes and Easter Eggs that I have missed.
I had a lot of issues with this script, but the main one is the length. It’s at least 40 pages too long, and the overstretched story really felt it wasn’t going to a destination. Marlene is rescued by Ninjaman, then they go on a strange journey, where they meet a series of other ninja characters, and this leads to a strange place called the ‘fog dimension’ which seems to be some kind of Twilight Zone.  It is so long because of very long scenes and Wassap-like dialog exchanges that go on forever. And despite the length, there is not really any action less scenes where the heroes sit back and we learn a bit about their inner workings.
The logline is not really what this story is about, it would be more like ‘An ordinary girl is saved by a ninja superhero and they team up with his ninja allies to stop his enemies’, which is most of the story, your current logline describes the big reality show reveal, that happens well after pg.100, I thought that a lot of action was lame, but it seems you’ve made it lame by purpose, but it’s like what Robert Zemeckis said about ‘Death Becomes Her’, that critics judged the deliberately tacky opening dance number as bad cinema.
Ninjaman, Ninjaman… I had such a dislike to this character. . He’s more irritating than Jar Jar Binks, I’m serious. He comes across as a macho dumb asshole, the caveman English, the misogyny, the ninja poses  The “me Ninjaman, you Jane” Tarzan speech gets tedious very quickly, and it does not really develop through the story, he is saying the same things. After his identity is revealed close to the end of the script, you still refer to Alan as Ninjaman.

The romance between Ninjaman and Marlene, and Ninja Woman feels forced and a lot of the dialog. Marlene’s reactions to a lot of things does not seems unnatural, she does not seem astonished by her situation, which I think would have to be there, even in a parody. Some may say I’m and old prune, but there was humour that was too crude for me, such as the groin touching. The most offensive character to the audience I think would be ‘White Woman’. She’s a very stereotypical blaxplotatoin character with some questionable dialog.
The characters I liked most was Cyber One and Cybertwo, their mechanical detachment was quite welcome, like their dialog too. What kept me reading was this curiosity to find out who these Off Screen film-makers were, was it a dream? Was it a film within a film? – That reveal comes far too late.
Sorry to be so negative, you obviously spent a lot of time on this, but I think a lot of things here have to be reworked.
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