Traceless by Brynmor Leyshon  - Short, Drama, Crime, Paranormal - There's a murderer on the loose. Can detective Croft stop him or her before he or she claims another victim? 6 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Traceless Review

Observations
- I noticed with this is the lack of an author’s name under the title of the script. This should not be blank.
- The first person we’re introduced to is named “1ST VICTIM”, this doesn’t work. Of the person is to be a victim, let the reader find this out on their own. First rule of screenwriting is “Show, don’t tell”
- It’s spelled Ouija, not Weedje
- The story as a hole didn’t work for me. It kind of just ended, and didn’t make the most sense. SPOLIER: There’s no rhyme or reason why this guy kills his wife…nor why, in her spirit form, she would be after anyone but her husband?
I think you have the pieces to a story here, but it feels a lot is missing and has made the story somewhat hard to follow and make sense of. I say keep writing as this could be a good genre bending script.

Good luck to you.

There are many ways to format phone calls. One you have on the opening page is not one of them. Check out this link - should be helpful:

http://www.storysense.com/format/telephone.htm

I think you have the seed of a good story here. You had me interested and reading, which is really good because I'm a tough suspension of belieffffer.

On page 4, Steven says,
>"What we're dealing with... is a ghost.

I thought this dialogue should have been introduced earlier somehow because it's
VERY OBVIOUS

We are. So yeah:

Make it a bit subtle, but where the characters are learning something "they don't know", not us.

As I'm reviewing this, I'm wondering about:

The appearance of THE MANSION.

Whose mansion? How can we connect? ... because we went from The Croft House

I note your slugs are inconsistent

We have

>EXT. MANSION - NIGHT

and then

>EXT. PSYCHIC RESIDENCE - NIGHT

The mental drift happens as the dialogue proves it out:

Croft is in the mansion and says,

>Cross over? You mean die?

After the Psychic nods "yes", (pg 3) -

We shift to a new unnecessary slug:

EXT. PSYCHIC RESIDENCE - NIGHT

which I think you intended to be all part and parcel of The Mansion Scene - So:

Label it Mansion or Psychic's Residence or Psychic's Mansion you know...

There are other little things I could tinker with and mention, but I liked this work.

Good on ya!

Sandra