Set-up by Jamie Bainbridge-Wood - Short, Thriller - Max is running scared from a botched drop with a bag full of cash and bad news for his fellow kidnappers 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ok first of all right off the bat, if you're going to bold your slug lines, PLEASE don't underline them. It's extremely distracting... I would actually avoid underlining them in general, period... but that's just my own personal opinion on the matter. Bold is fine though.

Dwight cracks open the door to the PANTRY (but doesn't lean in, he's not wearing a mask).

I didn't understand the parenthesis part? Wasn't he looking at Ray through hooded eyes just a few lines before that? I had to re-read it a few times... it read awkwardly and you could actually do without.

Your margins and font are off with the "fade back in..."

Slight error, but you're missing a period after Mr. Albert.

Other than that, your descriptions were pretty good. Dialogue wasn't too bad... and it was a nice little story, albeit a little confusing here and there. I felt some things could've been made a little more clear, but that's just my opinion.

All the best.

Nice one, Tyler. Thanks a lot for the feedback.
Thanks for the formatting stuff, that's super useful, this is only my third script. With the hooded eyes- I meant "heavy-lidded", I guess, like he's calm bordering on sleepy, couldn't think off the phrase at the time, can see how hooded would be confusing.
If you can tell me which bits were a bit confusing, that would be really helpful because I want all of it to be clear, but no worries if not, help you've given me already is appreciated.
I'll look for any stuff you have on here to return the favour :D

Cheers!

Well considering this is only your third script, I'd say that's pretty good... And I guess I was confused about trying to figure out who was who, and what all their motives were... Did the husband hiring them to kill his wife? And Max stole the money? I don't know...maybe there were just too many characters with too much going on in too short of a script? Or maybe I'm just a little slow? Maybe if you could clear things up for me, I'll go back and re-read this and see if things start to make more sense for me.

Hey, thanks. Yeah, I've had that mentioned to me for other stuff I started- too many characters without enough build-up and it gets confusing, I'm keeping that in mind going forward now.

The husband hired Max to kill his wife. Max gets in touch with the other two guys to stage a kidnapping. The husband drops off the money. The money is actually payment for killing the other kidnappers + the wife. It's all a ruse to make it look like a kidnapping gone wrong when it is actually a paid hit.

i think you are right about it being too short a script, I suppose if there was a longer lead-in then it would be clearer who is betraying who and what their relationships are.

Thanks for the extra feedback. I started one of yours in work, going to read through and feedback now.

Cheers!

Jamie:

Concur with what Tyler said.

In addition - I would give the HUSBAND a name.

Avoid this:

Quoted Text DWIGHT LANE, late 20's, well built, intense, leans over a dust-covered kitchen island in the center of the room. On the island, a handgun, a phone and two-ski masks. Through hooded eyes, he watches his partner, RAY HARRIS, also late 20's, gaunt, drug-addled, pacing the other side of the room, a phone to his ear

We don't know Dwight has a hood on until the end of the action block. I would always put these things up front because otherwise we have to - in our mind- go back to the beginning - i.e., oh - he head a hood on. Also - "intense" is an unfilmable. Show - don't tell.

An easy change.


DWIGHT LANE, late 20's, well built, wearing a hoodie (or ski mask or whatever it is that is shielding his eyes) leans over a dust-covered kitchen island in the center of the room.
On the island, a handgun, a phone and two-ski masks.

Dwight he watches his partner, RAY HARRIS,  late
20's, gaunt, drug-addled, as he paces the other side of the
room, a phone to his ear

i.e., I got the complete description of Dwight up front.

For your third script there is a lot of promise here. For the most part an easy read and the dialogue was generally handled well. Keep at it

Yeah, Tyler said the same thing about the hood- i thought "hooded eyes" meant "heavy-lidded" and couldn't think of the phrase "heavily-lidded" at the time. Had in mind that he had his eyes half-closed and wasn't bothered by his partner's pacing.

Totally hearing you on husband and use of "intense", thanks for that. Much appreciate the feedback :D

Quoted from JamieB Yeah, Tyler said the same thing about the hood- i thought "hooded eyes" meant "heavy-lidded" and couldn't think of the phrase "heavily-lidded" at the time. Had in mind that he had his eyes half-closed and wasn't bothered by his partner's pacing. Totally hearing you on husband and use of "intense", thanks for that. Much appreciate the feedback :D

My pleasure - glad they helped