Leave Me The Hell Alone by Blank - Short, Comedy - Jackie just wants to take a nap but first his annoying roommate will have to go. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey writer, well done on the three page quickie challenge.

I liked this, you managed to get across how depressing life must be in one of those places. I dread ending my days in such an establishment, but I suppose it's better than the loony bin. And I hope I can be the guy trying to get the nurses to use the skipping rope so I can watch their boobies bounce!

One slight critique if I may, if I were an actor I would be quite irritated by the writer telling me when I should emphasize certain words. Let the actor decide how to deliver the lines!

Good job!

-Mark

Hi,

Another one I'm torn on, there were no laugh out loud moments. I cracked a smile a couple of times. So does that mean the comedy worked or not?

Guess you would call it a cute little story, really not my kind of thing but it's not bad.

The writing is good bar the underlining which isn't wrong by any means but just plain annoying.

Funny little short.
I felt for Jackie which means it worked for me.
I imagine my grandpa would be the same grumpy if he had that sort of roommate.
A bit more in and I would have loved it. It's not only the roommate, is it. Possibly Jackie applied for another roommate and didn't have luck with it. So, I want more of the story but I liked this anyway.

Not bad. However, I think as a film, it would be visually boring as it's really just two old men sitting on a couch disagreeing. Would be easy to pull off on a no budget though.

If you plan a rewrite, I would suggest having some more stuff going on visually. Maybe Eddie gets up and jumps, using his hands to mimic bouncing boobs. Just something so that there is something, anything more going on than just sitting on a couch.

Here's my two cents, rewrite the entire story without using any dialogue and then split the difference between the two scripts.

You've got a good story here, but I feel like you used dialogue as your only tool to tell the story. It's film, visual story telling, so let us SEE the story, not listen to it. Good work though!

I really liked this but I think I might have missed something: "Leave the jump rope and close the curtains." Is he planning on hanging himself? I found it humorous and then my mind went to a dark place. Am I right? A little help here!

Except for the last bit of dialog, I liked it. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

Why would he leave the rope if its jump rope day?  Yeah pretty sure what he's referring to is sexual asphyxiation.

I'm with the others on this one. Not badly written at all, but there's nothing happening. Just guys talking, which doesn't make for great visuals on the screen. Need something more happening here. Maybe put them in the middle of the retirement center surrounded by nurses jumping rope. Falling down, boobies bouncing, etc.  make it visually interesting and the story will follow, hopefully.

Best,
Gary

This had good dialogue and I enjoyed it, but:

The ending I did not get at all.

Leave the jumprope? Why would he do that when he was all excited about getting the nurses to use it?

Because the ending confused me it left me sore on what I otherwise liked.

Sandra

It was an engaging read. I think the main thing to work on is showing us instead of telling us. The following is a generalization, but try to show us first. Show us Jackie hates the retirement home, is disengaged, depressed. And if there's something you can't show, then demonstrate it subtly in dialogue. Last resort is usually to come out and outright say the exact issues the characters are dealing with.

For example:

Quoted Text JACKIE Pretty sure I don’t care.

Quoted Text Jack barely reacts.

So you're telling us he doesn't care and then showing us he doesn't care. You can lose that dialogue line since you're showing us the same thing a few lines later.

And here:

Quoted Text EDDIE Lately, you seem a bit depressed. Do you want to talk? JACKIE No.

You could probably get by without mentioning the depression at all. Just show him disengaged, miserable, drop little hints. If you feel it has to be mentioned, you could at least leave out Jackie's response. Show us he doesn't wanna talk by having him actually not talk. Have him pull his pillow around his ears. A clear indication he doesn't wanna talk without any dialogue.


This is all nit-picky stuff. Overall, it was a solid read.

I liked it however it's your standard three page setup to a punchline. Pretty common for short page challenges. You got good advice above from the crew.

This was ok. Started pretty well as a comedy. The ending is ambiguous as to the writer intention. good effort

There were some funny parts but no action. Underlined words I personally don't like. Good job though.

Writer,

Cute little tale, but that's about it really. Nothing laugh out loud funny, just kind seemed like a skit that never found a satisfying punchline. Decent effort, and like I said it was cute, just didn't reliever the comedic goods.

Steve

Dialogue was excellent, very realistic...had it come from someone much younger than 80 years of age...  I just don't see them talking like that. However, if they were a lot younger, than yeah...

I might have cracked a smile, but that's about it. Didn't laugh. And the ending kind of threw me off...was Jackie planning on killing himself with the jump rope? If so that's pretty morbid.

I liked this but felt the end was unnecessary and illogical. Why would he leave the jump rope if his intent was to watch some 'bouncing nurse boobies'? No need to tack the implied suicide ending on just so you have an ending that... ends.

Needs a point other than suicide... but some great characterisations and I enjoyed the writing.

Good job with Eddie. I think an actor would be able to capture his desperation for something joyful which masks the pain that I'm sure he shares with Jackie.

I guess jump rope + retirement home really led everyone down a similar path. I think that's the younger persons' reaction to growing old and being isolated.

Always start with the "bigger" thing first in a Slug.  In this case, should look like - "INT. RETIREMENT HOME - BEDROOM - DAY".

Writing very awkward right out of the gate.

Jack?  Who is Jack?

Dialogue does not seem realistic to me for two 80 something year olds.

Not sure if this is supposed to be funny or sad.  And then the ending hits like black comedy, in that the dude wants to hang himself?

Not for me, sorry to say.

**

I thought this was pretty good.  

A few parts were funny.  It looked like it could have been a skit in Grumpy Old men or Grumpier Old Men (google it for those who don't recall these gems).

The negatives are also correct.  Nothing happens.  This was more a skit than a story.  Too much telling, not enough showing.  

Still, one of the better ones.

Dan

You've got a character talking about big bouncing bosoms and there's nary a visual around to go with it! The jokes are fine, for what it is. This just needs some cinematic interest. Get these people up and moving and get some of the nurses in there.

I don't know for sure what the final gag is suggesting.

I'm disappointed we didn't get to go to the nurse jump-rope show.  Instead, we're stuck in the apartment listening to these guys, both sitting on a love seat, no less (what, no other chairs? No bed for the one guy who was asleep?). The dialogue is well done but doesn't have anywhere to go. The ambiguous ending doesn't help.
Henry

I like the logline... glad to read something other than drama and horror. :)

OH another suicide is coming from this one. :)

Good writing throughout.

GREAT dialogue throughout.

I cared about these characters ...seems a lot like the Sunset script I read... think this one doesn't have quite the kick as Sunset but I enjoyed reading this one as well.

Great job.

It's too unsure what it is imo.

There were some charming moments but I simply hadn't a convincing journey here. Not bad, but too vague and imprecise in its expression and what it stands for. A great climax may better the script.

I liked this script. I liked Eddie.  If I were a filmmaker, this would be my choice to film — because it can be done cheaply (I'm that way), and I think it has potential as a great buddy piece.  you would need to lengthen and change that depressing ending.
Reminded me a bit of a Matthau - Jack Lemmon piece.
Wonderful character roles for a couple of mature actors.

CONS:  Too much dialogue here and not enough action.
Suggestion:  Eddie comes to cheer up his buddy. He knows Jackie is in a bad place. So he comes to him with popcorn, prune juice and a video of Bounce Rope Wednesday. And a giant magnifying glass so they can watch together on a smart phone.
Or, if not a video, let Eddie re-enact the scenarios with nurses and their bouncing bettys. That should get Jackie chuckling, as well as us.  Or maybe the nurses come to Jackie's room to do an encore performance for the boys.
Turn the dialogue into action and this one would be gold.