Eeny Meeny by Alice Walker - Short, Drama - An octogenarian struggles with the guilt of her past. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A little overly dramatic and using the jump rope as a jump rope was cool. The incident was ugly enough. Nigra is an unusual word but I get it, I would have liked to see the beginning of the story when she was "roped" in to the game by the white girls. I wonder how many will have the rope being used as a hangman's noose - I mean it's a retirement home. What else you going to do with it. We'll see.

Should be "meany" given what happens. :B

The rope as a noose thing seems to be pretty prevalent.

With that said,  I would say there is definitely something here. These three pages had some weight to them - but the story wasn't as clear as it could have been.

Hi,

I think that's the third retirement one I've read where the rope is used as a noose.

Well written, the pacing seems a bit off. I think the incident is just written too violently for the rest of the story. I think that makes sence.

Not bad.

First one set in an old people's home that I've read. Not bad, but I'm a little tired of reading about all this racism. Maybe try switching it up next time and make the victim white. Some black on white racism is what we need to see represented. It's far too much the other way, which misrepresents the truth.

Well written, but I've seen this before and am no longer entertained by it.

I think I know who wrote it. I'll voice out my guess later.
Very nice dramatic piece. The picture of the wife tapping on her watch works very well in particular.
Very good job I say. Gets my vote for sure.

Took me three reads to work out what was going on and I'm still not 100% sure

(SPOILERS)

I think Michela is either a ghost or a figment of Imani's  imagination. If so you need to say as such in the script. Similarly instead of saying Black Girl, say Imani or Young Imani to make it clearer.

As dramatic and brutal as this is, it doesn't click right with me. Imani was abused and bullied, the fact that she snapped and fought back one day shouldn't mean she's cursed for decades afterwards. She would have been punished for what she did and as a black girl, this punishment would have been harsh back then for killing a white girl. She's more than paid the price, this torture feels really wrong.

Some will really dig this and there's nothing wrong with the writing, it just doesn't sit well with me at all and is purely a personal thing.

-Mark

Well written, and I like the content.

Started to write my review before the comments and then I saw Mark's and agree that in the 1950s there wouldn't have been a way for her to survive a self-defense killing. Possibly in the North? But then the vitriol is out of place.

The beginning wasn't clear for me. I had written as a note

Is schoolyard a flashback? I didn't know Michaela was supposed to be a ghost.

I think the idea that Imani killed her is a bit too much, but I don't think that we feel any sympathy for Michaela anyways, so I don't know why Imani would either. I mean, she deserved it. So, yes and no. There's something askew here though. I'm not sure.

The Eeny Meeny is good.

The ending I felt very unsatisfying. Like you ran out of time and didn't go back to try and rework it.

Good concept.

Sandra

I had to go back and reread a couple times to get the names/characters straight as well. Her son seemed kind of like this happens all the time. He didn't seem too alarmed? Or was it just me?

Good work for a three day challenge.

Well, that was interesting. Emotional. I had to read the ending a couple times to understand it. At least, I think I understand it. The wife's reaction is a bit odd. She's a pretty terrible person if her mother-in-laws frequent suicide attempts are a nuisance for her. Maybe I didn't understand the ending...

Okay, it's written well, has an emotional effect, but don't get why Imani is haunted by it after all these years.  If anything, she should feel a relief after what was done to her.  Now if maybe she had gone to prison for a ton of years, that might have some effect on the story.

I notice you didn't identify scenes as FLASHBACKS, which maybe you were trying to hide from the reader, but you need those in there if you're going to be jumping back and forth from past to present.

Best,
Gary

Whoa :) I learn something everyday and now I know what an octogenarian is thanks to google.

Wondering if we are going to see some Color Purple stuff in here from the faux author name. :)

No FADE IN

Someone corrected your spelling of Meeny earlier but it is actually correct as it dates back to this rhyme.

Wow... emotional piece full of drama. My favorite line was at the end of page two when she sees her reflection in the puddle of blood. Wow very very strong there.

Good writing on display here. The Flashbacks could've been market but it didn't bother me in a short piece like this as I knew what was going on...

Really great job. My favorite so far.

Writer,

I've read like ten so far and was waiting for this one! Very good writing - can tell you're seasoned. I'm not gushing, but this so far is the best of the bunch and rather timely. Good job here, if not a little preachy.

Steve

I thought this one was rather unpleasant, but I get it. I know what you were going for. Well written, just didn't really connect. Possibly because where I grew up, thongs like this didn't happen.

Good job though.

I agree with Pia and Mark.  Decent work, but, unpleasant and you need to identify Imani as the girl jumping rope quicker in the story.

How was there a photo taken?  

SPOILERS

Okay, so, she's beaten up, and she gets up, angry and kills the girl.  IF this takes place in the horrific past of the USA during a time when blacks had nearly no rights, she would have been killed.  Or at the least jailed.  So, I was confused about why she wasn't in jail.

The jump rope was used in the past, but, it was used as a noose in the present.  That seemed to be the way most used it.  So, it is what it is, right?

Good luck with it.

Dan

Rushdie last challenge, now we've got Alice Walker.

This feels more like a vignette than anything. At the end, Imani's still where we found her -- trapped in the past and suicidal. If she's our protag, we gotta get a little more out of her. It's unclear whether she feels cursed by the harm that was done her or the harm she was done; these are two very different stories, I think. She's stopped too easily by George, in a way that doesn't have much meaning.

Strong writing. Just feels like the start of a story.

I think the rhyme went 'eeny meeny minie mo catch a nigger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny meeny minie mo' when I was a kid or something like that. None of us back then would've known what it meant lol especially here in Australia.

This had potential to be far better but it lost its way a bit. Good use of the rope - the scripts that make the props prominent are much greater than simply throwing it in to meet the challenge.

Certain things took me out of this story:
A black girl jumping rope with a bunch of white girls in the 1950s? Possible but not likely. Maybe if they all lived in the same neighborhood and were friends, but they were anything but friends.
A newspaper photographer just happened to be there to take a picture when this all happened?

Seems as if the flashbacks should've been labeled if for no other reason than clarity.

Was there no consequence for Imani killing the girl?

In my view, the story doesn't add up as written.

Henry

Last read for me, so you know what that means, right?  Details, details, details.  Hope I can stay in and provide a very detailed review.  Let's see...

If the opening scene takes place in the 50's, you need a SUPER to tell us that.  And, if this is taking place in the 50's, why is a black girl playing with 5 white girls?  I don't think that happened all that often.

And, how did this "vision" turn into a newspaper clipping?  A news team was there for some reason and snapped this shot?  It's an ambitious opening, but I'm not sure it works as intended.

If Imani is supposed to be the black girl from the beginning, we have a definite math issue here.

Why aren't these "old scenes" shown as Flashbacks?  If that's what they are, they need to be labeled as such.

Very, very confusing as written...and it doesn't need to be.  You need proper character descriptions, first of all.  If it makes a difference, as it does here, we need to know what "color" the character is.  Using "Michaela" as seemingly 2 separate characters is confusing again.  Not labeling Flashbacks add confusion.

If this black girl killed a white girl in the 50's, she'd be up shit creek...or killed by enraged white peeps.  Actually, anyone who kills someone is gonna be up shit creek.

The tone seems off throughout.  I don't get a feeling what you want me to feel, and because of that, i don't feel much of anything...kinda like George at the end, who seems to have no feelings for his Mom.

This is a ballsy attempt and I appreciate that, but for me, it does not work as intended.  I do like how the jump rope is used and overall, I like what you attempted.

In the end, though, it doesn't work as written.

***

Ahhhhh, so close to being perfect! This was one noose around the neck from being my favorite.

Great writing, relevant topic to today's society, brutally honest, and then she goes and smashes the little girls head against the pavement. If you had just made it a sad reflection of a awful past, without the M. Night Shyamalan twist, you could of knocked this out of the park--in two and half pages no less.

I understand everyone WANTS to bash in the faces of ignorant racist pricks, and that part is pleasing in its own right, but it doesn't quite fit here.

Awesome job nonetheless.

Had to reread the beginning to figure out the scenes were Past and Present. You need to clear that up. I have one word.    SAD.

Bottom p2 who's that second Michaela – it's no new character as written, so this is no flashback???

And why don't mark the flashbacks anyway. It's super confusing by now.

Okay, I get a sense that the Michaela in the retirement home is a ghost from the past, but (wo)man is that complicated executed, like a puzzle somehow.

I appreciate it's trying to head for a sensible message. My only problem is when it's a racism/violence plot, and regarding all that happens, then I call older Imani's conclusions into question.

She must know that kids back in the days were still kids and those violations she faced then, logically must be related to the society or the other kids surroundings like parents etc.…

Know what I mean? As a woman of advanced age, she could have considered a conclusion, why they acted like they did and why she herself acted as she did when killing Michaela. But her thinking seems actually a bit blank and helpless as if she hadn't worked up anything in all those years.

I just think that she looks a bit too weak at the end. In her advanced age she should have a wiser conclusion at least to a certain degree.

Possibly, her wounds, the emotional ones, are just not shaped out enough for me yet. To me, there's simply something uneven that should be worked up in a later draft.

Ambitious, but not there yet.

Quoted from Talldave If you had just made it a sad reflection of a awful past, without the M. Night Shyamalan twist, you could of knocked this out of the park--in two and half pages no less.

This is what I should have done and I honestly set out to write a story without any blood and brain but I lost my way again. I will rewrite with this in mind and no worries on page count.

In regard the other poor readers and their issues with the lack of flashback labels, I know that anyone with an IQ over 100 will figure out the story line when I expect them to. If you got confused... tough.

Well it's no surpriss this was yours. It was so obvious that I didn't want to guess aloud. Nice story and ties up very well with the image of the daughter-in-law tapping on her clock. They don't want her and the feelings of unwanted take her back to her childhood. Very sad.

I'm surprised more didn't guess this was mine, or maybe they did... but I doubt I'd have gotten runner up if they did.

Not bad for a story that starts with a flashback and no flashbacks are labelled at all. The reader is also left to figure out that Imani is the black girl in the flashback and that there was only one Michaela, the one in the present was a figment of Imani's imagination. I read at least one poster ask why there were two Michaelas and the second wasn't in UPPERCASE. Either they're a complete idiot or they were pretending not to get it just to be a dick. I suspect the latter. They pretend confusion, not through any attempt at humour but merely because it's not how they believe it should have been written.

The real writers will get it and so will the real readers. I'm pleased to see they've grown into the majority. The dinosaurs that push rules and attempt to stifle creativity will soon be extinct.

I thought this one might be you too. You're fairly easy to spot. I had a feeling it was not written by an American due to some things not realistic. The stuff from the -50s for example. It stirred emotions though, which your scripts usually do.

As far as voting goes, I think most of us are mature enough to vote with honesty rather than by popularity of the writers. Or maybe I'm just naive? :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought this one might be you too. You're fairly easy to spot. I had a feeling it was not written by an American due to some things not realistic. The stuff from the -50s for example. It stirred emotions though, which your scripts usually do. As far as voting goes, I think most of us are mature enough to vote with honesty rather than by popularity of the writers. Or maybe I'm just naive? :)

I agree that most here are mature enough to vote with honesty. I like to steal votes from the ones that aren't by hiding my identity as much as possible. In the end, though, stories come out the way they come out and votes don't matter so long as the story is good.

I trip up in some areas when writing with a US persona. Like missing the 1950s thing. Ouch. As a Brit, it just didn't occur to me. Although even here we were far from multicultural in the 50s, a 15-year-old girl, as a juvenile and female, wouldn't suffer the severest punishments. The standing of the victim would also come into play. Of low standing, then it doesn't matter as much within the court system. You get less time for stealing from poor people. Anyway, I digress... She'd have done some time in a borstal most likely, even a chance of being sent to a nunnery in some cases, then after brief psychological evaluation, released into society to live, hopefully, a normal life - perhaps some time in her mid-twenties, or even sooner. So, that was missed... yet the blood and brain were also quite unnecessary, so I didn't really need to go there.

Cheers.

Quoted from DustinBowcot This is what I should have done and I honestly set out to write a story without any blood and brain but I lost my way again. I will rewrite with this in mind and no worries on page count.

Good luck with the re-write.

In my mind, the gist is the connection of a common childhood symbol of innocence (the jump rope) to something dark/painful. So painful that the woman held on to it for seventy years. That resonates.  

Hey Dustin,

Alex here …. I hope you're good, mate.  My Review is reasoned 100%.  Of course I knew your script, can sense it a mile wide.. I hope you send me pm or email that we can talk. Best wishes Dustin

Quoted from DustinBowcot In regard the other poor readers and their issues with the lack of flashback labels, I know that anyone with an IQ over 100 will figure out the story line when I expect them to. If you got confused... tough.

Interested in the rewrite, and HAH! I laughed out loud at work when I read that last part. That might be a line you want to use in a script some day, it's a gem.

Dustin's such a rebel, ain't he?  Always pushing the envelope.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dustin's such a rebel, ain't he?

In more ways than my writing. My rebellious nature is reflected in my work which is why people like it. Maybe you should try it. I doubt it will work, but it's got to be worth a shot.

Quoted from DustinBowcot In more ways than my writing. My rebellious nature is reflected in my work which is why people like it. Maybe you should try it. I doubt it will work, but it's got to be worth a shot.

I used to be a rebel, myself.  Guess I outgrew it..or just got too old.