Too Short by Blank Space - Short, Romantic Comedy - An aged man tries to hang himself after his lady tells him his dick is too short 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

There are a few missing words that make it read awkwardly at times, probably just because of the time constraints.

The humour is lost on me. I don't envy you comedy writers, Its a bloody hard task.

Not for me unfortunately.

Loved the first line.
He loves her = unfilmable.
fetal position is more common than fetus position.
I liked the ending and beginning. Some of the middle felt a bit clunky.

Not sure how I feel about this, the logline would put a lot of people off and it felt clumsy, a bit rushed but I kinda warmed up to it as I read it.

-Mark

A chuckler. Cute. A rough spot or two. The title may have given 'too little' away.

I did like how the ending tied back in to the first part of the story. I didn't like how he was going to kill himself because of the perception his dick was too short. I'm sure that would have been pointed out to him at some other time in his life, or that he was already aware of it. So that part of the story didn't work for me.

Actually, what I would have liked is that instead of trying to kill himself, he tries to run away in embarrassment, but hurts himself in a fall because the rope was too short, as was pointed out, then Mary could come visit him and explain what she meant. Might make for a sweet ending.

Good luck,
Gary

I like Gary's ending better... go with that and you have a good story.

I like Gary's ending better too.

I agree with everyone else.  

SPOILERS

So, the old guy who's dick is too short decides now to kill himself?  Not buying it...

As a guy past 50, trust me when I say biology happens and things don't work the same.  You deal...

Also, her sentence makes no sense in retrospect.  What's too short?  Did I miss something?

I didn't find it funny.  Or sad.  So, I don't know what you were going for.

And I also find it very hard to believe that the nursing home would have a room with a jump rope hanging from it so they could escape.  Escape and do what?  

I mean, they're old, where are they gonna do and with what money will they do it with??

Dan

I can see the old guy laid out on the sidewalk and the old lady leaning out of a window saying "See, I told you it was too short."

It was a bit of a mess but I liked it. I also chuckled a couple of times as I've heard this age of Viagra has really changed the nightlife of a lot of retirement homes.

Good effort, clean it up and see what happens.

I guess I like the ending Hawkeye suggested. And the last line JEStaats mentioned.

There's not really enough material here for three pages even. You could just have him get up from the bed, furious, says he's gonna escape on his own. She's trying to explain she wasn't talking about his dick. He won't listen, climbs out, rope snaps. She looks down and says "Told you it was too short."

I sense that a Brit wrote this. I had to re-read it to catch that there was a rope there for their escape, so once you see that, you can guess the ending.

Best part of this for me is that it's categorized under romantic comedy - can we get Jennifer Aniston for Mary?

Hi,
I don't think you should change the ending. The ending in this makes better sense than everything else. Besides, I like Hatties talk with the "tramp".
And making an old man climb out of the window.., but your call.
The middle is clunky, I suggest you work on the middle.
Now, if you need to change the ending to unclunk the middle then I say go for it.

Sorry, I'm not going to bother reviewing this one.

Just... oh agh. Should have lied in the logline.

Protag shhuurely should have known that size doesn't matter.

Sandra

Ha I got a kick out of this one. Good job writing the dialogue and with the relationships.

I liked all your characters.

Love the ending... but the last blurb of dialogue I wanted to be a little better. I have no suggestion how to make it better but I just felt like it could've been funnier. :)

Great job. Love the use of the jump rope in this as both an escape route and a noose.

A comedy? Where though? Didn't laugh once...looks like the writer fell SHORT of humor. Not for me.

Writer,

Good work. There's a sweetness to this story that I like a lot, but I feel a little clean up is necessary. Not that three pages is long by any means, but a quick trim to get to the meat (pun intended) of this one will make it read that much better. Personally, I'd eliminate the guy who tries to stop him and just go with three characters. Showing seniors upset by things like length adds humanity, as well as a touch of comedy. Overall, well done!

Steve

I like this better now that I've come back to it.

Also, I picked up what I assume is a George Costanza reference at the beginning (though it was an aside).

1. I think you need a tad more to establish that this man cannot shake his feelings of inferiority. Men of his  age usually have come to terms with whatever physical shortcomings they think they have, be it height, hairline, etc. Yes, he says he's gone through life with a short dick. But that's not quite enough to make us believe he would try to kill himself. (After all, he just slept with Susan.) P.S. I'd get rid of the word "dick"; it doesn't fit the tone here.

2. The idea that she "didn't mean his penis" is really not believable. If they attempted intercourse but couldn't because he was "too short," and then she says, "It's too short," I don't buy  that she would suddenly be talking about the length of the rope.

Henry

I didn't buy into this one at all. Why would a 78 year old man want to hang himself because another old person tells him his dick is too short? I know that's not what she meant, but that is what he thought, so...  You'd think if he actually was "short" he would know this by now and be used to it. I can't see him at this late stage in life wanting to off himself because of it.

I liked the idea of the rope being used as a means to escape. And, as some others said as well, go with Gary's ending. That was good.  :)

I'm on board with Gary's suggestion. That was what I thought was going to happen while reading, and I liked that.

The tone is all over for me, especially given some of the word choices in the dialogue. I'm not sure how seriously we're supposed to take a guy who immediately curls up in a fetal position.

To be pedantic, the dick referred to would be classed as 'too small' not 'too short'.  Must be a US thing but it reads odd to me lol.

Humorous little story. Getting sick of the jump rope/noose thing but at least the prop was a valid part of the script

Page numbering is incorrect

Slugs - Always start with the bigger thing, then pare it down from there.

"RETIREMENT HOME - RON'S ROOM"

"Faded wallpaper, worn furniture - it’s a MENORAH, an assisted-living facility for Alzheimer, dementia and sclerosis seniors." - WTF?  This is just a terrible opening description, and on opt of it showing almost nothing and being confusing, the 2nd half is all unfilmable.

Very poor beginning.

Writing is poor throughout, missing words, awkward.  Tone is all over the place and not funny.

Ending is flat and just continues the over all poor quality here.

Not for me at all.

* 1/2

"means to escape the facility" - Really?  Thanks for telling us that.

I liked the ending, it seemed so obvious and yet still unexpected.

I think I would of found it more reasonable if these were young people who worked at the retirement home in the middle of this crazy affair. Its just that 80 year olds and sex don't really add up. Like yeah, of coarse sex doesn't matter, you're really really old, not like they're going to have kids or anything.

Would of enjoyed more colorful language for the term "short dick" since there are so many ways to say that nowadays.

I enjoyed it, thanks.

The old folks talked like they were young. Just my thought. Just my opinion but i thought it was badly written.
My ex said I had a short one, I told her the size is in Dog Years.

Lol what a logline??

P1 Wrong page numbers
first slugline: Main location before Sub location

In case of his deficit, it's a nice characterization that he still feels ashamed like a kid despite his advanced age.

P2 this is very funny:

"He sees Ron with the rope around his neck.

HENRY
Nooo!

He grabs Ron’s feet. Ron tries to push him away. They grapple.

RON
She said my dick was too short.
Maybe after I’m gone she’ll find
herself a long one."

Truly, this could be so over the top funny on screen, seeing that old fellow with a noose around his head while complaining about his short dig like a baby. What a reason for attempting suicide by an elderly gentleman. So bizarre. Awesome.

Bonus points here, writer, bonus points.

Last beat, final punch line could be better.

However, I truly enjoyed the whole self-irony here. The script felt pleasantly light. To me, as it's build-up, even with its absurdity, the theme of elderly people going crazy because of the sex-game feels kind of respectful and sensible toward them. A lot of people tried to take that route but this is how it's done imo. Fine comedy.

Lots of sympathy from my side.  

TOO SHORT

From the start, this reads as if WE have entered a scene hearing only half the conversation. And then drawing the wrong conclusion. It doesn't work that way. Dumb characters hearing only snip-pits of conversation draw stupid conclusions. We're too intelligent for that... right?

The scene opens with Mary looking out the window and saying, "I just won't be able to do it. The thing is too short."  I know she's not talking about Ron's dick.
Maybe have Ron in bed, looking under the covers...

Change some of the scenes as suggested and see what happens. I agree with others, Ron would have to take a fall because of a too-short jump rope.

Can't they just walk out the front door? Do they have to escape via the window?
Well, that's not funny.
I can see Mary and the gang on the grounds outside the facility. Waiting for Ron. And here comes Short-Stack crashing to the ground. The only one who used the second-story window.
Seems like a Seinfeld gag.  I dunno, I always like Seinfeld.