Sunset View by No Title Page! - Short, Drama - Two men living at a retirement home approach the end of their lives with completely opposite attitudes. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

No false advertising, there actually isn't a title page, not sure why not.

You start a lot of sentences with Martin. Try changing the perspective every once in a while, it will make for a better read.

SPOILER

Well, that took a turn for the worst, almost too much so. I liked the early banter, gave me a smile. The brutal ending felt a little out of place, but it's my kind of thing.

The writing is good other than what I mentioned.

Felt meh to me. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe it's the ending. It just felt unsatisfying for some reason.  

(SPOILERS)

When I saw that one of the options was Retirement Home and Skipping Rope, my first thought was an old person hanging themselves. The suggestion is to never go for the first idea and in this case I think it is advisable as it really is the most obvious choice.

However, you execute this well. I really like Todd, I hope to be as energetic and pervy as him if I reach that age. The rest just fell flat for me because it was a predictable outcome.

-Mark

I knew an old guy once that did this. He was around 80 and it was the day before he was getting out of jail. We used to call him 'I'... because that was his answer to almost every question, but it was long and drawn out, like a farmer. Amazing entertainment to a bunch of reprobates. He was in for hitting his next door neighbour over the head with a hammer... and he knew that when he got out it was going to be in a hostel or some such because he had lost his house. So he hung himself. Crazy thing is we had gotten his cell mate out of there because he was bullying him, so the guy was on his own. If the bully was still in there he wouldn't have had the opportunity to do it.

Anyway, this puts me in mind of that memory and the thoughts I'd collected thereafter. I think suicide amongst the old is more prevalent than we might believe and they just do it because they've had enough, don't feel they have anything left to live for. Everything they'd ever collected throughout their life gone... what's left?

Sad.

The characters are well drawn. I could visualize both Todd and Martin. And I'm thinking I know who wrote this.

But I'm starting to oppose the same old suicidal theme as it's present in so many. I'd like it more if you gave another spin to the suicide. Also, suicide in three pages - I think I need to see more of Martin and get to know him before I see how it ends. But see what the others think.

No less than very good for me though. Strong story, well written too.

Thank goodness this link worked!

I liked this, but I had a problem with the wording of Jogs toward Martin while he jumps rope.

I think better something like: Skips with a jumprope toward Martin or I don't know, that sounds clunky to me, too, but you get the idea.

This was good, really. You've captured what you wanted to and executed it very well I thought.

Sandra

No title page?

You repeat all your Slugs in the opening line of the first passage, which is redundant and a waste.

The setup here and dialogue doesn't work for me...doesn't feel real, and because of that, I just can't buy into this.

It's OK and the story itself works for what it is, but it left me feeling very little.  Not bad by any means, though.

** 1/2

This was okay.

Predictable, but, okay.

I guess that's my biggest issue is that it was so predictable.  Mark is correct.  You should go for option 2 or 3, unless option 1 is earth-shattering.  But, that wasn't the case here.

I'm kinda shocked at all the deaths/suicide by jump rope.

Do you know that I didn't even consider that story?  And I'm like the king of death and gore, at least here...

Dan

When the options were revealed, this was the first scenario that came to mind so I avoided it. I'm beginning to think ceiling fans are the true evil.

Overall, it was okay. I also liked the banter early on. Sad ending to a humorous start.

Great job.

Good characterization. Everything was solid. Sad ending, actually pretty brutal and depressing, but well executed.  

I think you paused well on the 2nd page to allow us to feel Martin's sadness. The juxtaposition of the energetic, insensitive guy and the lost Martin would I think play out better on screen than it does on the page.

Good writing, nice little twist at the end. Don't know what exactly I would change about this, so I guess that's a good thing. Nice effort here.

Best,
Gary

Writer,

Well that was depressing. I get where you went, but don't like how you got there. Just seeing a picture of him and his wife isn't enough, for me, to see Martin taking his own life. These three pagers can be tough to pull off! Basically, you need more rationale and reasoning thrown in there.

Steve

No title page, which I appreciate. I usually get annoyed at blank cover pages or silly made up names on them. This is supposed to be anonymous, so who cares?

I loved Todd. I hope I get to be like him if I get to be that age. Lol. Martin's hunched over posture tells me he's depressed. Ditto that for the emergency in the other apartment and then the photo. Two people experiencing and dealing with the last years of their lives in different ways. I know which one I'd rather be.

On a different note, here where I live, Florida, we have lots of retirement homes. The Villages probably being the best known. Thanks to things like Viagra, STDs are a huge problem there! Who would've thought!  :D

I give this one a thumbs up. You have to look at it without the context of the challenge. In other words, forget you know why the jump rope is there, etc. Martin's depression is portrayed in an understated but very real way. A guy like Todd -- so enthusiastic he's almost annoying -- only makes the depression worse. One solution would be to say, "Take the jump rope and shove it up your happy ass," but Martin does the only thing with it that makes sense to him. He hangs himself.

Henry

Makes me think of Updike's "Poorhouse Fair" off the bat.

There are no twists and turns here -- just a straight shot to the tragedy. Not a payoff, per se. I'd have liked to know a bit more about Todd, actually. He's the one that's got it figured out, so what's his secret?? I wonder if he's the protagonist, actually. He gives away the symbol of his vitality and joy, and someone else hangs themselves with it. There might be more to mine, there.

Well written, but not, ultimately, a full story.

Sad little tale, made more poignant i guess by Todd's good health and 'healthy appetite' lol.

Not much to it but it was written well enough to evoke the feeling

Things like "sadness washes over him" and "years of wear" could be better described by giving an actual visual as to what those things are. Years of wear could be arthritis and sunken eyes, sadness washing over could be crying or him burying his face in his hands.

Uhm, not a big fan, its kind of played out. Happy old guy and sad old guy, sad old guy kills himself, the end.

I think mixing up the ending would do this script wonders.

This is starting off nice. Feels like a script. Good writing out of the gate. When you start a script like this, you automatically will probably like it better because you feel you are in confident hands.

The characters from the beginning are likable and totally opposite which makes for good natural conflict that will almost write itself. Good choice and good job with characters writer.

I love Todd. :) He makes me laugh. "almost launched a rocket right there" good stuff

Good visuals when Martin is nearing the end no pun intended... can see the fan spinning.. good visuals.

Good heart and feeling ... we can all relate to getting old.. losing those loved ones... at least if we have not someone we are close to has dealt with it... human stuff ...

Only one typo in the whole script. Martin limp body -- Martin's

This def is a pro writer or close to it. My favorite so far. Love a story with heart and life or death issues. Great job writer.

Guess I'll hang myself when I get enough rope. So many hangings that every time I see a jump rope now I'm going to think about hanging myself. The story was ok, not much there.

No title page, I want to have that mood of reading a screenplay when opening the file.

First page reads fine albeit it's a quite one-sided conversation with a possibly too passive Martin here…

Give him at least more gestures and physical interactions toward his vital, lively buddy… more characterization

Yeah his "final" actions are not set-up well this way.

Their general contrast and different worldview/state of mind is very interesting, there's just too few Martin in this piece. Still, good effort.  Very good title choice re topic.

Hey Pia, I would have never guessed it was you. You said it's obvious - no way it is. That was a heartfelt story, i liked it very much.

Thanks to everyone who read and commented.

This was the first idea that hit me, so I ran with it. Apparently it was a common theme among the retirement home scripts though. IMO, depression is something a lot of seniors struggle with. I wanted to show what a difference there can be in people as far as attitude goes. One person wants to live his life to the fullest for the time he has left while another sees no point in going on. I'm going to tweak it a little before it goes up on the home page. Thanks again!

Khamanna, I used to write a lot of drama. I don't much anymore because it's not my favorite genre by a long shot. I'm all about horror!!! Although, as you know, I'm working on a horror feature with clowns right now. I hate clowns, btw.  ;D

Quoted from Stumpzian I give this one a thumbs up. You have to look at it without the context of the challenge. In other words, forget you know why the jump rope is there, etc. Martin's depression is portrayed in an understated but very real way. A guy like Todd -- so enthusiastic he's almost annoying -- only makes the depression worse. One solution would be to say, "Take the jump rope and shove it up your happy ass," Henry

Henry's got it right!

I heard a conversation last spring, (feels like only two days ago), about how Joe Shmow didn't want to go and play "games" in you know, The F'in Games Room. I wanted to interject and say, "Leave Him The Hell Alone!" (For Christ's Sake) ...

Although I didn't know the guy or the people talking, I felt like I could easily be "that guy".
I don't want to sit around and play board games because it's part of some freakin' Senior's Scheduling. F OFF!

Ah well. At least I can remember my grandma. Never went to no old folks home. Died on her feet. Never got fat. Never drove no scooter in such a thing as Walmart.

As mentioned earlier, there were a few ones that hit the buttons and were memorable. This was one.

Good on you, Pia! And...

God Bless Grandma

Thanks Sandra, and good to see you around here again.  Been awhile. 8)

I didn't guess this was yours either. I'm actually really surprised because of the content. It got one of the top scores from me. Would have been Very Good or Excellent. I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the two characters. Not much tweaking needed for this one to work. Good luck, I hope it gets picked up.