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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  The Quickie Challenge  /  We Got An A - QC
Posted by: Don, August 21st, 2017, 1:26am
We Got An A by A. Nonomous - Short, Drama - A jumprope is the harbinger of change for a senior planning to end it all. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Warren, August 21st, 2017, 2:22am; Reply: 1
Hi,

SPOILERS

So just seeing the sign is going to change the course of his life?

I had to read quite a bit of this twice to get it, something about the writing makes it a little confusing to read. Problem is I can't put my finger on what it is, sorry.

It wasn't bad, It wasn't great.

Posted by: Cooper, August 21st, 2017, 4:06am; Reply: 2
Concur with Warren. The writing could definitely be clearer. Also so many unfilmables.
As a whole, this one didn't connect for me.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, August 21st, 2017, 6:46am; Reply: 3
I struggled to understand this one. Not sure if English is the writer's first language or if this is rushed, I apologize if neither is the case, but I could not follow or connect with this and I think the reason is the way it is written.

-Mark
Posted by: khamanna, August 21st, 2017, 7:43am; Reply: 4
I think your first slug is confusing because it's supposed to be filmed inside the vehicle. So it better be INT. TRUCK - DAY.
And you better indicate that it's in motion. It took me time to get through the first scene because of that.
Then you have CHAPLAIN and CHARLIE. Both start with "cha" - that's confusing.
I liked the way Charlie taught Reena Math. I didn't like Jeffrey changing his mind about farming as no jump rope could do that. Unless he's a signs man - in this case that's just hard to buy into.
Posted by: Gary Howell, August 21st, 2017, 1:01pm; Reply: 5
This one confused the heck out of me.  A bit all over the place.  Grammatical errors and missing words.  Feels rushed, and it may be it was a last minute entry.  I'm just not sure who the story is supposed to be about, Charlie or Jeffrey. I'd settle on one and focus on that storyline, as you only have three pages to make it happen.

Best,
Gary
Posted by: JEStaats, August 21st, 2017, 3:58pm; Reply: 6
I was expecting to see a pair of dice to make this another combo since Charlie went to see the Chaplain. Psyche! Also, was Charlie saving up meds and just waiting for a shot of whiskey (or whatever) to wash it down? That would suck to finally break down to see your father and having him O.D. with your shot.

I was okay with this. Yes, it was a bit jumbled but a good revision might make something out of this? Nice effort.
Posted by: Dustin, August 21st, 2017, 4:01pm; Reply: 7
You lost me on the first page. The images you are creating are not clear.
Posted by: Dreamscale, August 21st, 2017, 4:14pm; Reply: 8
Opening scene is very, very poorly written...incorrectly written...wrong Slug, poor descriptions, asides.  Just terrible and hard to follow.

The terrible writing continues, but I'm not going to.  Clueless.

No score
Posted by: stevie, August 21st, 2017, 6:06pm; Reply: 9
Look, the writing style was ok but the jump rope was just barely in there (and served no purpose) and the story was a bit mashed. Seems like a hurried entry so maybe a rewrite could fix it
Posted by: MarkItZero, August 21st, 2017, 7:10pm; Reply: 10
Seems like you're trying to do too much here. You could just turn this into a simple story of a son coming back to see his father after they had a long falling out. Lose the stuff on the farm, the dream sequence...

All you need is a son visiting his father in a retirement home. Have it be complex on an emotional level. They haven't spoken in years, neither wants to admit how much they need the other. There's blame, anger, resentment all roiling beneath the surface.
Posted by: StevenClark, August 21st, 2017, 10:43pm; Reply: 11
Writer,

Not a bad effort, but a bunch of formatting mistakes, awkward phrasing and such. You tried to pack a bus load of information into three pages and it just didn't work.

Steve
Posted by: ajr, August 22nd, 2017, 8:47am; Reply: 12
Opening narrative is written in fits and starts so it's a bit confusing; however I'm sure a director could unravel it and turn it into images.

Have to disagree with most of what's been said here - true, it's written in muddled fashion, however it's a vignette-style film that I think would look good on screen, and it's the most ambitious one I've read so far. Everyone has a revelation here which is the purpose of storytelling.
Posted by: Heretic, August 22nd, 2017, 4:08pm; Reply: 13
I had to read again, but I think there are some strong theatrical ideas here. I admit I'm not a hundred percent clear on what happened, but as above, the main point here is that there's a lot of strong character work in a very few pages. My guess is that, post-challenge, this will be rewritten into a tight and effective five pager.
Posted by: DanC, August 22nd, 2017, 4:25pm; Reply: 14
I found this confusing too.  Once I couldn't get into the story, I started skimming.

The jump rope played no role at all.

Sorry, this didn't work for me, and I really have no idea how to make it better.

Dan
Posted by: Stumpzian, August 22nd, 2017, 5:30pm; Reply: 15
A is for Asparagus! You have the makings of something good here. It doesn't work as presented, but it could if the story is developed and if the technical problems are addressed.

Henry
Posted by: PrussianMosby, August 23rd, 2017, 1:03am; Reply: 16
A positive message and feel good type of storytelling here. For my taste, it has far too many characters for this short time frame. The script's overall impression could be delivered more intense when using fewer characters, and with that a more direct and deeper characterization. Good thoughts though, keep at it.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, August 23rd, 2017, 6:15pm; Reply: 17
Hmmm. Not sure what went on here really. I read the beginning several times and I'm still struggling to visualize what was supposed to be going on.

I guess the old man was bitter because his son didn't want to take over the farm and therefore the farm went under. Old man wants to end his life early instead of waiting until he goes naturally, but then his son shows up with his granddaughter and says he's changed his mind and now they are family again. Is that it? If not, then you totally lost me.  ;D
Posted by: Pale Yellow, August 23rd, 2017, 10:16pm; Reply: 18
One thing ... when you jump around (timewise) a lot in a short script like this there is bound to be some confusion. I have had to go back and read as I'm getting confused by the top of page 2.

One problem I am having is that I'm not connecting to any of these characters. I do not know who's even the main character. Maybe there is just too much going on for three pages. Keep it simple. Is this about a guy going back to farming after he lost everything? Is this about his dying father? What did that scene in the church have to do with anything?

I hope I'm not being too harsh  here because there is some good stuff in the story .. it is just put down in a way that I cannot figure out which story to follow.

Good job getting a story up in three days. It's a tough challenge.
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