Oathbreaker by Lee Cordner - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A disgraced knight locked up for breaking his oath is visited by a demon who offers him a deal to win back his freedom. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for uploading, Don.

If you'd like a return read, please leave the title of your script below.  

This short is set within a fantasy world I created over a decade ago.  And this particular short is the first part of a trilogy.  

I wrote this with a very small budget in mind.

Hey, Lee: Gave this a read.

For the most part - fairly solid writing - though I start the story was incomplete (more on that later).

SPOILERS

The chasing the rat beat goes on for the first two pages - I think it is a bit over done. Get it - he's starving and will eat anything - I would trim it back a bit. Also could not understand where all the bread crumbs were coming from if there was no food being served.

The dialogue seemed a tad bit - whats the word..? - modern for the setting. Seemed like current day vernacular rather than oldy times. This as an example:

Quoted Text DORMAK The choice is clear, Marrus. Heck, you've already done the tough part. That's why you're here. Killing her will be easy.

"Heck"? I dunno - just didn't strike me as thematically true. Like a chat between two modern day gangsters rather than a demon and a knight. Maybe it's just me - see what others think.

My largest issue is I don't get the point of the story. It seems to be segment of a larger one rather than a complete story by itself.  This is emblematic of the problem.

Quoted Text MARRUS What do you get from her death? DORMAK Nothing at all. Well, something... but if you're interested in knowing what that something is, you'll have to seek me out when you're done and I'll tell you all about it, over a nice goblet of fresh wine.

Hey, Lee: Gave this a read.

For the most part - fairly solid writing - though I start the story was incomplete (more on that later).

SPOILERS

The chasing the rat beat goes on for the first two pages - I think it is a bit over done. Get it - he's starving and will eat anything - I would trim it back a bit. Also could not understand where all the bread crumbs were coming from if there was no food being served.

The dialogue seemed a tad bit - whats the word..? - modern for the setting. Seemed like current day vernacular rather than oldy times. This as an example:

Quoted Text DORMAK The choice is clear, Marrus. Heck, you've already done the tough part. That's why you're here. Killing her will be easy.

"Heck"? I dunno - just didn't strike me as thematically true. Like a chat between two modern day gangsters rather than a demon and a knight. Maybe it's just me - see what others think.

My largest issue is I don't get the point of the story. It seems to be segment of a larger one rather than a complete story by itself.  This is emblematic of the problem.

Quoted Text MARRUS What do you get from her death? DORMAK Nothing at all. Well, something... but if you're interested in knowing what that something is, you'll have to seek me out when you're done and I'll tell you all about it, over a nice goblet of fresh wine.

So - I don't know why Marrus killed the King or why Dormark wants him to kill the Queen. I get a tease that we'll find out later - but we don't. So, what I am left with is a Knight willing to kill an innocent in order to get his own freedom. That's not enough. I don't even get the promise of the title - i.e., I don't know what Oath is being broken or who it is too.

Anyway - hope these notes help - see what others think.

Heck is actually an old English word. But that's hardly common knowledge so i probably wouldn't use it anyways.

Thanks for the read Dave!

I'll try to answer your questions as best I can:

1) Trim the rat beat down?  

Consider it done when I rewrite later on down the line.  I was curious if it was a bit "too much" myself.  

2) Where did the breadcrumbs keep coming from?  

I cut that part out.  There was a 3rd character, a Knight, who went into the dungeon every night with food, taunting Marrus.  I cut it out because I didn't really like it too much.

3) Modern dialogue?

The fantasy world is very modern yet very ancient. Not that you'd know that, though, as you only see a DUNGEON, so I may try to clear the dialogue up a bit if it doesn't "feel right".

4) Segment of a larger story?

Think of it as Act One.  It's definitely lacking a "complete arc", but I wanted to ease people into the story and not throw too much at them at once.  Fantasy isn't exactly too appealing to many people.

Part 2 is coming soon, and then Part 3 will wrap the story up.

5) Final thoughts?

You'll see Marrus killing the King in part 2, during a flashback scene.  As I said, I didn't want to throw too much into this part, as people might get turned off.  

6) Title?

There's no real premise behind the title... I just used it because it sounded cool, but in hindsight... it doesn't really "describe" what's underneath the title page.

It'd be like calling a Heist movie "The Spiritual Success of Janet Mason" or something.

It's more of a placeholder than anything, so I might change it at some point.

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Nonetheless, thank you for the read, my friend.  If you want a return, please leave a link to your script on the boards below and I'll check it out.

Glad they helped, Lee. It now makes much more sense as part of something larger. Best of luck with this.

I'll have a feature posted soon (Dark World). A read of a few pages would be appreciated.

Dark World is on my list.  As soon as it's live, I'll check it out.

Thanks, bud

Yeah, cool, I like it. Totally landed the ending. If there's more, I would read it. If filmed, I'd watch it.

I actually liked the length of the first scene with the rat. It expressed a lot without dialogue and made me sympathize with the main character and now I’m interested in seeing how I’ll feel about him when his past and future bad deeds come out. It will be cool to see this story create the inciting incident that propels the entire world story forward so I am very interested in the next two stories you put out.

I agree that the Dialogue feels a bit too modern. It reminds me of Game of Thrones in the way where I tolerate but don’t really like how much the characters swear. It’s probably because I grew up watching Lord of the Rings and enjoy that vernacular more.

Yes, the story is lacking an ark but this was a good teaser for what’s to come.

JamieB

I appreciate the read, friend.  Drop a title if you want a return.

Logan McDonald

Many thanks for the read and kind words.  If you want a return, just drop a title.

Part 2 is coming, possibly with a different title.  It's much darker and action-oriented, so if you're into that kinda thing, you'll enjoy it.  It's also longer (Act II always is).

I'll definitely attempt to do something about that dialogue.  That said, don't worry about swearing... it's much more "Lord of the Rings" than it is "Game of Thrones".  

Hi Lee,

Sorry if I repeat anything, I didn’t read the comments.

Quoted Text A dozen cells, 11 empty, 1 occupied.

eleven empty, one occupied. Not a big deal but generally a better way to write it.

Quoted Text with a hint of valor

I'm not really sure how you would show this visually.

Almost two pages of a seven and a half page script with him chasing the rat. I think this needs to be cut down a lot.

Quoted Text Marrus stares a "hole" through him.

I don’t know what this means.

As far as the story goes, I feel this needs a lot more context. Who is Marrus, why did he kill the king, and how did he get caught? Who is Dormak, why does he want the queen dead? He clearly has a lot of power, what difference does it make to him, and why doesn’t he just do it himself?

I think at least a few of these questions need to be answered or none of it makes a whole lot of sense, and I don’t really care about Marrus, his intentions, or what happens to him.

The writing isn’t too bad.

Fells like this need to be a part of something bigger.

Good luck with it.

Quoted from Warren Hi Lee, Sorry if I repeat anything, I didn’t read the comments. eleven empty, one occupied. Not a big deal but generally a better way to write it. I'm not really sure how you would show this visually. Almost two pages of a seven and a half page script with him chasing the rat. I think this needs to be cut down a lot. I don’t know what this means. As far as the story goes, I feel this needs a lot more context. Who is Marrus, why did he kill the king, and how did he get caught? Who is Dormak, why does he want the queen dead? He clearly has a lot of power, what difference does it make to him, and why doesn’t he just do it himself? I think at least a few of these questions need to be answered or none of it makes a whole lot of sense, and I don’t really care about Marrus, his intentions, or what happens to him. The writing isn’t too bad. Fells like this need to be a part of something bigger. Good luck with it.

Hey Warren.  First off, thanks for the read.  If you want a return, I'm good for it.

Eleven empty, one occupied - got it, bud.  

Hint of valor... imagine "The Hound" from Game of Thrones.  He's visually intimidating, but has a certain aura about him that makes you think "this guy ain't so bad".  That's what I was going for, but I'll attempt to visualize it in the rewrite.

"Stares a hole through him", it's my way of saying "if looks could kill".

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When it relates to story questions, all will be answered, or at least a MAJORITY of it will be answered in Part 2.

Dormak is very powerful, but that's the thing about power.  Why do something yourself, when you can get another to do it for you?  There's a lot more to it than what you saw here.

And yes, this is part of something much bigger.  It's a trilogy of shorts that form one whole story, which links into my "cinematic universe".  Consider this Act I of III.

As for Marrus... you'll care about him.  I'm working on the rewrite now, so hopefully the new version makes you like him, or at least... understand him.

Lee