The Dig by Simon Parker - Short, Thriller - Taking up gardening to help clear his head, a young man accidentally discovers the burial group used by the mafia. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon,

I can only see the title page and 2 pages of the script. It's not standard as I'm sure you know because I've read some of your stuff which is.

Can’t comment on the story because it isn’t complete.

Which software did you use to convert this into a .pdf? My eyes don't like the look of the text and I had to retrain my brain to read it. Not a pleasant experience. Even with the two pages you have though, the story reads clunky, lacks flow, like a 1st draft.

This has been fixed.

- Don

Simon,
Not much here for me.   Finding body parts would have been "better"  maybe?  

The Logline told it all, no?

Perhaps there's a "bigger" story here.

JJ

I too have used the name "Mario" for the antagonist before.

I think that pacing is important here. The way it ends up on screen can greatly impact this story for better or worse. I want to see the tension build between Luke and Mario leading up to that moment.

Hey Simon,
This is a good idea. You should definitely keep on this and give it a once over to clean up any typos. I thought a bit of the dialogue was clunky and didn’t feel very natural. I think a couple extra pages could help flesh out the tension and characters a bit more. Over all it’s a fun idea!