King of Blades by Paul Hikari - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Action, Drama, Sports, Slice of Life - Makoto Yamasaki, a perceptive but apathetic combat athlete, travels to the space colony Arcadia and enters the Children of the Earth competition, where she meets and bonds with other competitors and denizens of the colony. 115 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Paul:

Took a look at the first few pages - the descriptions/actions are way over-written. Almost novel-like. They are getting in the way of your story. Just my opinion.

Hey Paul,

Good title and logline…

Read to page 45 and then checked out the ending…

As an adolescent "real life" SF (like Maze Runner etc.) it felt too linear and monotonous to me.

As an animation movie for smaller kids it'd work well imo. I could imagine this as a "Manga-style" animation flick, feel good/friendship topics, easy to get relationships and conflicts, bound with some action.

I didn't truly understand why you gave so much words to the characters' physical appearance but then left out so much visual desriptions in case of the colony world, this strange VR simulator, hotel, waterpark etc etc.

You left a lot to my imagination there but because of the pleasantly short-kept and quick, bantering dialogue, it was really easy to continue to read and follow the plot.

All in all this is a well-minded harmony flick that could have its place out there.

Good protagonist. Plot might be a little too simple and linear, a little mystery and twist could help at some points.

Whatever, it does work.

Best regards