Heels by Christopher Brown - Action, Adventure - A group of low level criminals are hunted down by vicious supervillains after interfering with their plans to overthrow the city. 107 pages

Feature version of Heels TV pilot. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Christopher,

The first ten pages? I think you have something really special here. The concept is fantastic. The Supervillains are unique and frankly, terrifying. The tone immediately reminds me of a Watchmen, more realistic Superhero vs Supervillain scenario. Not sure about the large graphic after the opening sequence though. I can see what you're trying to do, like a smash cut to title.  Your action lines are really heavy, and you may need an edit from what I've read so far, small nit picky things like page 6: "It begins to rise, showing a sinewy frame" It should just rise; like I said, very nitpicky. The entirety of your script should clean up nicely once addressed. The pace is great which is what's important though. I will continue to read but as of now I'm really liking this.

Best of luck with it, I would like to see something like this on the screen myself.

Thanks for your input! It's very much appreciated. I have a tendency to over write, which I'm trying to get a handle on. You are absolutely correct, it helps the reader tremendously if they can get to the point of the scene sooner rather than read through a lot of unnecessary description. I'm working on that.

And I worried about the "Smash Cut" to the giant title, but decided to go with it for now and change it if too many people don't like it. Luckily it's a really easy fix.

And I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Just recently I've had two people interested in doing something with the script. Hopefully something pans out. Wouldn't mind watching it myself someday too  :)

Hope you enjoy the rest of the script and thanks again for letting me know your thoughts.

Until page 50 for me.
Very well written, looks very professional. As Lono said already, your action lines are a 'bit heavy'/full with info, but i'm among those who really like this type of writing (although not recommended i guess).

The only thing that made me pause from reading even more, is the amount of characters in the script. I had to go back and forth couple times, just to check who is who. Assuming that Jack is the protagonist (?), i think there is just too much info regarding the rest. Perhaps i'm just too tired, i don't know, plus as a novice script writer, don't take my word too seriously ^^.

some typos
page 3-ole Perv >you mean old Perv?
page 5-there ain't no way > there is no way?
page 6-IQ give >gives ?
Didn't notice anything else till page 50!

Thanks for reading!

I think what you mentioned is totally valid. I wanted to have a "gang" of criminals, but it does get confusing. I'm going to do another pass and give them more memorable names that hopefully helps distinguish them (Jack, Sam, Brian, Dustin.... too many blah names and easy to mix up) and try and put more focus on Jack since he is the lead.

Thanks for reading as far as you did. I really appreciate the feedback!

If i was you, i would go like this. Leave all the bad guys/gang with their names as is (this is among the strongest parts/themes of your script imho), and somehow remove/lower the number of the characters that are just hanging around. I like the idea of many bad guys, but... for example page 12-13 sushi bar scene jack-sam-nick-maria-sophie looks just too much.

The sushi scene was originally just Jack and Sam, but one of the folks who had optioned it way back when wanted Nick and Maria introduced earlier. I had introduced them after the heist, and much like a horror film, it was fairly obvious they were there just to up the number of people the supervillains can kill.

So I gave them a little backstory to make them seem less like stock victims. But the script gets too busy on the front end while they are gathering the gang to do the job. Might go back to the original so readers don't get overwhelmed. Great suggestion.