Prey by Bryson G - Short, Drama, Crime - Unable to pay off a debt, one man is offered to work for his loan shark to clear his debt and get back his collateral, but the man will need to choose between possibly getting a felony or catching a concussion… 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Bryon,

I had a read and I like your style. However, after a couple of reads I still felt like it needed more (or less). Perhaps I'm missing something but logically it didn't make sense. Why go to all that trouble if Tommy could have just told Major where he was the first time they met?

You also gave different locations the same slug heading which threw me off, and not in a good way. Perhaps try to differentiating them without naming who's house would work better and without giving away the twist.

Hope that helps. Good luck with it.

Cheers


Max

Hey Max,

Thanks for the read, I very much appreciate you taking the time. Appreciate the find on the slug line error, I will def go back and clean this up as well as look into the set up again. Really appreciate the feedback.

Bryon:

Quoted Text INT. CAR - DAY LARRY PIERRE, late twenties, silk button up hangs off his frame, a fashion scarf dangles from the neck, with a pair of shades that hides his eyes.

Picky - should be hide - not hides. Also think conceal would be better.

Quoted Text MAJOR, mid-thirties, his pastel polo hugs his intimidating frame. His right hand clutches a BEAVER TAIL SLAPJACK that rests on his knee.

Picky - lost the his pastel.. reads better as a pastel.

Quoted Text LARRY PIERRE I dont know how your nutty ass found

don't.

Quoted Text the arrogant ass against the inside of the vehicles door,

Period - not comma after door.

Quoted Text INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Not brackets needed. - Same for all the following slugs.

Quoted Text END

I would go with FADE OUT

The story was just okay for me - the dialogue a little on the nose. I did like the twist.

Hope these help.

No worries Bryson, glad to help.

Great job with the dialogue by the way. It felt a little heavy on exposition a couple of times but other than that it reads like I'm guessing somebody from that area would talk. There were quite a few words and phrases I hadn't heard before, but I don't think that's a bad thing, and something I probably wouldn't even notice if I was watching it, rather than just reading it.