Vivian Bonafide by Dave Nelson - Drama - Two young girls which in horror as their parents are murdered in cold blood. They vow revenge by any means necessary. 87 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Issues right out of the shoot.

Quoted Text EXT. MARKET PLACE - DUSK (People talking) Shoppers hustling along the sidewalk of the busy market district. VIVIAN, 22 years old counts the receipts at the counter. JENNY, 19 years old sweeps up the trash. Momma sits close to the exit as Chow escorts the last customer out the door.

- Scene heading needs a little more than market place
- What is with the parenthesis???
- Momma should be CAPPED and intro'd as a character
- Don;t need "years old". Just state their age - e.g., (19)

Quoted Text CHOW LEE (Waving) OK, we see you tomorrow. selamat Malam (Good night)

More parenthesis in the dialogue.  

Quoted Text CHOW LEE BONAFIDE, 72 years old and his wife MOMMA BONAFIDE, 70 years old, are successful business owners in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Last sentence entirely unfilmable.

So - I'm sorry - but this needs work. Not ready yet.