You're The One For Me by C. F. Udd - Short, Dark Comedy, Mystery - A young man attempts to win a girl's heart, only to discover the dark secret behind her unconventional way of playing "hard to get." 24 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like the premise, it's really intriguing. I'd suggest you make it a movie, and add more humour, even if it's dark humour. Also stop with the "cut to" it takes the reader out of the story, and they're only there for the director. Your story will flow better without them. The characters are good. The dialogue isn't the most believable, but you have a good story which is the main thing. I'd rewrite it, add 90 pages, focus on realistic way of speaking more often, and see where it gets you. All the best