Hell Bent by Louis No'mour - Adult, Short, Horror, Western - Three bandits on the run must choose their own path to Peace. 10 pages - pdf, format

Coimetrophobia - Fear of cemeteries

Format wise no real complaints.

Premise was fine and the challenge parameters essentially met although I thought the phobia could have/should have played a more central part in the story - i.e., if you remove the phobia, you could pretty much tell the same story without losing much.

The dialogue was the weak link for me. Much of it too on the nose and all of it missing the tone of the old west, IMO. It sounded way too modern - e.g., sounded more City Slickers and less Tombstone - hope that analogy helps.

Good effort would one week.

No need to write "ESTABLISHING SHOT" in your Slug.

Awkward phrasings early on.

Dialogue does not sound remotely authentic, sorry to say.

Just not working at all, because the writing and dialogue ain't cutting the proverbial mustard.

The story and setup don't work and nothing feels authentic here.

Wow...it was just sunset, then night, now sunrise?  Did I miss something here?

OK, not remotely good, but not terrible, either.  Lots and lots of mistakes on display.  Hopefully, this was a last minute submission, otherwise, you need to seriously learn how to edit your work and fix these issues.

Grade - **

I'm with Dave on this one.

It read well, a bit clunky in a couple of spots, but overall a nice little western ghost story.

My biggest concern, and where it falls down in the light of the challenge, is that there's no real struggle with the phobia. He faces a choice, considers it, then ploughs on seemingly unaffected in his own mind. His choice seems to be more of a moral one, than an outright and irrational fear.

Regardless, it's a nice, well written script.

I liked it, but it's not gonna win for me due to the lack of attention paid to the phobia.

Cam

I liked this one! Well written, good dialogue and even a good story. I loved how you worked rest in peace in there. The phobia was well used as well.

Great job! 8)

I was taken briefly out with the establishing shot, which isn't necessary, and some of the dialogue sounded cheesy, not authentic. I'd also argue that this story didn't really have anything to do with a phobia, that felt like it was added in to an existing story.

However,  I did like it. It was well written, you made me feel like this was a real wild west adventure. At first the ghosts angle felt like you'd jumped the shark but I got used to them.

Top marks for a very inventive way of using 'Rest in Peace' and I liked the twist at the end. Good job overall!

-Mark

The phobia could have been magnified or explored more since most of us would've been apprehensive about going through an Indian burial ground under a full moon. Tico seemed to accept the option way too easy.

Dialog was kinda cheesy in places. It varied from very fitting for the genre to contemporary jargon. And like Jeff said, time flies when you're being chased by the dead! Pretty quick night from dusk to dawn.

The chase action seemed a bit clunky but I liked the ending. Not bad overall. A good Halloweenie story.

This definitely tops what I've read so far...

I liked the writing and loved when they were going through the sacred grounds. I think this was a good story completebwith good writing, the dialogue could you some work as others have pointed out, but it all didn't seem terribly bad to me.

Great twist at the end there, great work.

Hey writer.
Thanks for adding such a fun story into the pile. I normally don't like westerns but yours got me glued to the screen. Some of the conversations could be more personal though but it doesn't spoil the entry.
I would also should have liked it better if the characters were more different to each other - they kind of sound alike for me right now.

Still a wonderful entry. Loved the use of rip in this. The phobia is also an exciting one.
I wonder what the last line is. Must be another rip. Top marks from me. Great job

Wow. A horror western. GREAT combo. Like your title too BTW.

Logline is fine with me.

Love your title page.

Ok not much bad to say here. I liked all your bandits. Each had a unique voice I think. Loved the Indian undead warriors. The scalping was a strong moment.

Like the twist at the end.

Good job ... good writing. Liked this!

Loved where you took me.  Colorful and action oriented.  Sucker for good westerns.

Dialogue didn't feel it was right for the characters.

Not enough symptomatic phobia maybe.  But overall nice writing.

JJ

Hi,

I'd lose the establishing shot.

Quoted Text Their attire and menacing appearance hints that they've been up to no good.

What is their attire, how do they seem menacing, and how does that hint they've been up to no good? I'm not sure what I'm looking at here.

Quoted Text froth with sweat.

Wouldnt you be frothing with saliva?

Ha-Ha, you're taking the piss right? So this is Bone Tomahawk with the undead, you even have the high pitched squeal.

I hate westerns but I love horrors so one of the only westerns I've ever watched is Bone Tomahawk and it bares quite a resemblance to this.

Zero for originality, other than how you used RIP, but that's not good enough to save the script.

It is well written though.

All the best

Not entirely sure why Yuma killed Tico.  He didn’t expressly forbid them to cross the cemetery - he just didn’t want to cross sacred ground himself.  

Phobia wise it’s there but could have played a more active part in the direction/outcome of the story.  The burial ground was good location to really ramp up the tension but it was over with too quickly.  I like how you worked the ‘rest in peace’ line into it.

A quick and entertaining read, a little cheesy perhaps but fun enough that it held me till the end.

Lol I'm a sucker for a western script having written a couple myself. This was pretty good but does have a few issues as other reviews have noticed.
The dialogue is a bit off at times - I think with westerns we have a cliched view of how it should look and feel thats at odds with the reality of what it was like.

A good little Halloween tale that needs a rewrite to tighten up but overall it was a inventive take on the challenge

Seriously has no one seen Bone Tomahawk?

Just watch the first 10 minutes.

Bone Tomahawk was all about a cannibal tribe, not a burial ground with spirits/ghosts.

Quoted from JEStaats Bone Tomahawk was all about a cannibal tribe, not a burial ground with spirits/ghosts.

Opening scene of bone Tomahawk, bandits trying to escape have to go through a burial ground, hear some kind of high pitched cry. One gets slaughtered, one escapes.

I did say that this was just with the undead as opposed to cannibals.

At the end of the day it’s just my opinion, but I literally watched this about two weeks ago and it felt very familiar.

Wiki: "In the 1890s, two drifters, Purvis (David Arquette) and Buddy (Sid Haig), are making a living robbing and killing travellers. Spooked by the sound of approaching horses, they hide in the hills and encounter a Native American burial site. Buddy is killed by an arrow, and Purvis escapes."

… and then goes to a bar and… RIP

Congrats on completing your script.  Here’s my two cents:

I love a good western.  My biggest bit of constructive  criticism  would be that none of what you have here is particularly original and all feels like stuff we’ve seen before.   I liked much of the dialogue.

This is one of my favorites.

Ghostie

Very nice. The writing had just enough flare to it to not be boring or too difficult to read, a balance many writers struggle with. The dialogue overall worked for me. Some think it sounds too modern but I have listened to a good deal of dialogue in western films and it's not really that different. If people in films spoke the way they really did back then, it would be nearly impossible to understand so writers tend to fudge it a bit.

My only real complaint is the phobia didn't seem to be a very big part of the story, which it should be in a contest about phobias. Yuma seems to have the biggest phobia of cemeteries and he's the one that leaves the others. Then he becomes one of the ghost spirits when he went around the cemetery area. Would the story lose any meaning if he was just a greedy man and killed Tico without being a ghost?

The title page was a minor nitpick. The rules clearly said to leave writer's name off so I prefer to see scripts written by those who do follow all of the rules but everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

Three men on horseback ride recklessly, hell-bent for
leather, through the ravine followed by a cloud of dust.
Their attire and menacing appearance hints that they've been
up to no good. They're bandits. -- Have to say that I didn't like the descriptions here. I thought it should have been mentioned closer to your first like that they're bandits without the attire and menacing appearance bit - when you mention bandits we get a straightforward visual scene without having to explain it twice.

JAKE
Yuma, how many and how far? - this seemed OTN to me only because Yuma was just speaking. Yuma's name is the only thing that is off putting said in that way. On the other hand, if you put his name at the end of the sentence, IMO, would have worked better.

JAKE
Chicken shit. Heh, heh. -- Nice, I liked that.

It's twilight now. -- Jeepers that day went fast. Twilight: ï¿¿the period of the evening when twilight is visible, between daylight and darkness.

Why is the back of Yuma's head missing if he didn't go through there?

I'm a bit torn with the ending; I liked the whole morning rises and ghosts be gone type idea, but I also liked the thought of the ghosts disappearing because Yuma is going to be the one to kill him - though it wasn't his idea to go through the grounds so maybe there should have been a switch of character here and Jake was the one to reap Yuma's revenge - IMO, that would have worked better.

All in all, thought this was good. Does need some touch ups here and there. As for phobia - hmm, not really. You could have really drawn that out with Tico as they were going through it.

RJ

Damn good tale. Well written, great descriptions, and a satisfying ending.

And interesting setting for your script.

It felt very much like a segment in an anthology film. The bandits go to the cursed graveyard and there is something supernatural waiting. The script is very well written, but never really went off the course I was expecting. Still, it would make for a nifty short film and there'd be lots of potential for a good director to highlight his style. Good job!

I'm finding the dialogue here really OTN and basic. You could probably spice it up a bit.

I really like the scene descriptions, really atmospheric. However, I don't think the phobia
was explored all too well.

I liked Yuma killing Tico at the end, good touch.

This is actually one of my favourite scripts here. I liked the setup, plot. it was good but sometomes the dialouge just feels awkward and more like narration "Go quickly, yet quietly... "
review not that bad.

John,
     Good job with this.  I'd like to see you play more with the phobia.  I'd like to see you expand the story.

Perhaps have his friend struggle to not kill him at the end, but, he has no choice.  

Dive into the horror of the cemetery more.  Show us the bones close up.  Let us feel the horror.

I'd take out stuff like establishing shot.  It isn't needed and frankly wanted in a screenplay.  Writers write and directors direct.  He might want to open on the horses and then show the terrain.  

The complaint of day - night - dawn so fast is valid.  You have a 10 page story, yet, 10 hours pass by.  Time isn't fluent.  Perhaps let the graveyard be time displaced too.

Otherwise, it's good.  I don't like westerns overall, but, this was solid.  

You know what might make it better?  Make the guys more like-able.  Perhaps make them good, or something else.  Why do we care for these guys?  In the end, they all die, and should I care?  Now, if they steal to pay for something for a loved one, then we can root for them.

Hope that helped.
Dan