The Origin of Fear by Dr. Feargood - Adult, Short, Horror - A university student working on a thesis about fear, stumbles across a technique for identifying dangerous individuals. Her latest experiment takes a lethal twist when it becomes apparent her work is gaining the wrong type of attention. 11 pages - pdf, format

Phobophobia - Fear of phobias

Hi,

Quoted Text A kid still in many ways trying a bit too hard to be a grown-up.

Unfilmable, how on earth could we possibly know this?

Your next description is better as it makes me think she is carefree and cosmic.

Haven't finished reading yet but by the end of page two it already seems like the fear is faced, case closed.

Pages and pages and pages of dialogue. Can you imagine how exciting this would play out on screen?

It sounds like she is creating social profiling which has already successfully been done and more recently portrayed it a great show on Netflix call Mindhunter.

I don't know what to make of this. As previously mentioned your protag is developing something that is already developed? She doesn't really seem to possess the phobia you have listed. The ending seemed very left field.

The writing is great, it flows really well and the dialogue is top notch but that's where it ends for me.

All the best.

I liked the log line, and there's a lot of potential in the concept. The idea of killers being threatened by being revealed is solid enough for a feature.

The execution left a bit to be desired in my opinion. By page 6 I felt like I was in the middle of a lecture, rather than a story due to everything being presented through dialogue.

Still, a fairly solid ending and entry with potential.

Hey Dr. Feargood, I really hope that's a reference to Wilco and his Dr. Feelgood chums btw.

Right, the work. Soooooo much dialogue that isn't really necessary, it absolutely kills it for me. You've got to imagine, each page is a minute of filming time and you've got at least 3 you could remove here as they don't really add anything.

Not sure about the phobia angle either, others may disagree but it seemed to just get lost amongst all the back and forth.

The dialogues and descriptions are well written, but there's just too much of the aimless talky talky stuff.

Well done for entering, but it ain't for me.

Cam

First a nit:

Quoted Text LEONA Have you ever wondered how serial killers can operate normally in society undetected.

Need a question mark at the end.

Okay - for the most part the writing taken in short bits is stellar. Descriptions, actions lines et al = great craftsmanship. I appreciate when a writer takes the time to set the tone of settings and provide vivid character descriptions.

It's a bit dialogue heavy - while any one page is fine, by the time you get 8 pages in it becomes a little weary.

Again - each individual bit of dialogue generally well written with the exception that on a couple of occasions it was a bit over the top - took me out for a sec.

So - this is a talented writer. Any one page would be a great representation of work, but looking at as an entire script - the amount of dialogue creates a drag.  

This one is low budget for sure!

I like how the protag is trying to deal with her phobia and taking action rather than just sufferring.

Lots of dialogue. I for one like dialogue but I know seeing lots on the page puts some off automatically. If it's well written, I can imagine the actors really pulling it off. Someone mentioned Mindhunter, which is a great example. I've just started watching that - very compelling but about 90% dialogue.

Maybe streamline it by a few pages or have more action in-between the talky heads to help those with a phobia for dialogue.

-Mark

You can write, I'll give you that.

I liked your idea behind this, but it got a few pages in and dialogue upon dialogue in the same scene setting became monotonous.

Seems a bit odd that Imogen knew about the thesis - this isn't fully explained.

By the end I did really like this, but feel that it needs a few tweaks to really come into fruition.

RJ

Hi,

Nice short you've got there. I loved it up until the twist. I think it was done for the sake of criteria. I suggest you change it to something more suitable for this kind of story. Don't know what to suggest - but when her friend Imogen became a threat it went downhill for me.
Especially when the other couple showed up.
Maybe it was not about real threat and then it suddenly became real. Can't put my finger on why exactly though.

Thanks for entering!

Hi,
I really enjoyed your entry.
The Coffee Bar was real for me.  These two nineteen year old ladies were wonderfully depicted..  AND here's the scary thing, your dialogue was so true-to-character that I wanted to be sitting at their table.  Listening to their conversation, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette; and I don't smoke.  Great Stuff.  COOLIOSO.

BUT THEN.   Leona says  ". . .I've got Phobophobia.  I'm afraid of fear."  Just show it.  Don't say it!  Too OTN.  Took me out of the story. Just momentarily, fortunately.

Film-wise:   Would I sit and watch two teens jawing at a coffee bar.  Hmmm?  Yup, that's how much I enjoyed the banter. Fast paced and amusing. AND it remained solid and consistent, throughout, despite your THINGYPHOBIA.

Was wondering how you were going to tie it all together and get to RIP.  Last three pages were a little shaky but you made it.  (lose the POV's)

Some writing errors here and there but the dialogue and story were so refreshing and alive that I didn't care.

GOOD STUFF.  My fav.. so far.  (I'm waving at you and sticking my tongue out AND NOTE:  I was afraid of the waitress also.)
Keep up the good work!

JJ

Best one I've read so far.  Are there issues, sure, but, having one week tends to have issues.

This story was pretty intense, but, I was a bit lost at the end.  I guess I wasn't sure if this was going supernatural or staying "real."

I thought it was pretty solid.  I liked how IMO got inside the other person's head.

One nitpick.  If she's 19, why is she doing a thesis?  Is she brilliant?  Most 19 year olds' go to college, then, in Grad School, do the thesis.

Otherwise, good job.  Story was fun.

Dan

Title page off center...not looking good.

If this is truly an INT shot, why would a sign for the place be inside over the door?

You have an entire passage to intro Leona, ending in a completely unflimable sentence.

I can imagine that some will like or love this dialogue, but for me, it sounds very artificial and unlike anything two 19 year old chicks would say.  It also seems to go on forever and I don't see anything akin to a story here so far.

Page 6, now the dialogue exchange is going on...and on...and on, and there's nothing else happening in this coffee bar place.  Talking head syndrome to the maximum!!!

Hmmm, and then, out of nowhere this gets all crazy out of the blue.  Kind of like another one I read earlier that was slow and then batshit crazy, but here, there is absolutely no foreshadowing, no reason for this killing.

On one hand, I like this, and the writing is good, the dialogue, witty.  On the other hand, I don't like how things came out of left field for no real reason that I can decipher, and the dialogue for me is irritating and unnatural.  So, looks like I have to go down the middle for the most part.

Grade - ***

I don't think the dialog is excessive at all. The content and quality is good and, with the right actors, could be filmed very without getting boring. I could visualize the scene and think it would be intense. Good work!

Some of the dialog is OTN but that's east to fix. Give it a rev and re-post after this OWC is done.

Phobia - check; and RIP - check. Top five for me.

Title page isn't centered,

Was pleasantly surprised when I scrolled down to the next page andget some decent writing .... and no gigantic blocks of action and dialogue that I need to get through. The dialogue did seem a bit much it certain areas. If you plan on a re-write of this than perhaps try and nip a bit off some of the lines. Imogen's dialogue was entertaining to read, her  comment on the guy's beard was good.

Not really sure why they came in and started a killing spree all of a sudden, maybe I missed some things.

Other than that good effort with this.

No mention of phobias in your logline.

First thing most readers are going to do is look at your script and if the title page and the margins and spacing are off... it's going to be a turn off. Some people will stop reading at that point.... lots of free writing software out there to help you format.

I laughed out loud on page 2.

You have some good dialogue going on in this. But it goes on way too long. They become two talking heads and I find myself skimming a little bit.

The whole killing thing went south for me.

I was thinking this may have played out good like found footage.. of just her going into a place where everyone interviewed had a fear for a certain bar worker... and then in the end... the bar worker kills everyone in there.. and someone finds the tape ... sort of Blair Witch ... but it played out like it did and it was ok for me.

With some work this could be a good one.

Good writing.

My two cents, which aren't worth a plug nickel in this place:

1.  Some formatting issues throughout -- line spacing and bottom page margins seem off for some reason.
2.  A lot -- a LOT -- of dialogue here, about three pages too much.  You have a lot of deflection (which I get in part based on the ending), but it's a bit much.  We don't get to the real action until about page 9, and then the whole thing is wrapped up very strangely in about a half a page.
3.  What do the old man and woman have to do with the rest of the story, and why did Imogen decide to kill Leona in a public place?  Seems very unlike a serial killer.  Plus, after about 9 1/2 pages of pretty good writing, you save the worst writing for the end because it just seems like a rushed ending.
4.  Anyhoo, the writing itself (other than that ending) is pretty decent, just need less of it and clean up that ending and this will be much better.

I give it 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Best of luck,
Gary

First single scene entry I can remember so it stands out.  There’s a simplicity to the idea, intriguing, but it does leave it a little too static/wordy.  I could see the first half dragging on screen.

The Ipad images upped the tension a notch but it could do with something else before that, something to give it a bit more edge - unsettle us.  The start felt more like a light-hearted drama.  The end not so much.

I didn’t quite buy that Leona would resort to deleting her thesis so quickly, and given the ending, does she really need to?  A lot to get across in one scene.    A more thoughtful approach to the challenge - albeit capped by a brutal triple slaying.  Works for me.  Though maybe the idea is stronger than the execution, like you could do more with this?

I liked it. Can't add anything, except to say well done.

Really liked the ending of this one. And the pleasant friendship between the girls that turns scary reminded me of Albert Brooks and Dan Akroyd at the beginning to the Twilight Zone Movie (Wanna see something really scary?). I really enjoyed how the atmosphere changes dramatically as the script progresses.

I also really dug the idea of human's fear actually being an alarm bell for "monsters' walking amongst us.  Not much to critique in this one. One of the better entries.

As the names have been named I thought I'd explain my entry in more detail for those who are interested.

After years of trying, I was lucky enough to have not one, but two short stories published in an anthology of international competition winners recently. One of them was called Fear. It seemed to perfectly fit the criteria of this challenge so I decided to try to adapt it as a screenplay and call it The Origin of Fear. I've never adapted a story before, I thought this would be a good opportunity to have a go.

The basic story is the same as the short but there's a different ending. In the story, Imogen is a lizard person and there's more evidence of supernatural powers. I wrote the first draft with this ending but a couple of friends read it and said it seemed a bit over the top and out of left field, therefore I changed it so Imogen is simply a psychopath.

I actually prefer the Lizard angle as that is the published story, but what do you guys think? Do you think it would suit a more outlandish, supernatural ending?

The other appeal for the psycho ending was it made the screenplay cheaper to produce. The last two OWC's my scripts have had great review comments but they've been huge budget sci-fi scripts that will never get produced, I really wanted to go back to the ultra low budget, one location script that most independent producers are begging for. And that meant dialogue, lots of it.

I spruced up the dialogue from the story, made it more entertaining but some of you guys balked at the sight of it on the page. This reaction I did find disappointing. With so many dialogue heavy great TV shows like True Detective, Breaking Bad and Mindhunter I thought this would open people's eyes to the value of great dialogue in a short.

This was my attempt to show it can be done, but for some it didn't have the desired affect.

Anyway. I have incorporated a bit more action in-between the talking to break it up a bit and gone back to the lizard ending for the second draft, but I've also applied the same changes to the Psycho version so I have a cheaper alternative if producers are interested.

Thanks again for the feedback and any other comments are welcome!

-Mark