Summerwind by Anonymous8 - Adult, Short, Horror - A Halloween prank at a famous haunted locale goes terribly wrong for a group of teens in upstate Wisconsin.   11 pages - pdf, format

Autophobia -  Fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated

Hi,

Quoted Text dressed as Maniac Cop

Is this a reference to something because I don't understand it.

Quoted Text MOM Stay close with her, Jake. You know how she...

Em dash instead of an ellipse.

I generally prefer to stick to a traditional DAY or NIGHT in my scene headings, but each to their own.

Quite a few character to keep track of for a short.

Overused and incorrectly used ellipses everywhere, also if you use one put a space after it.

Quoted Text INTERCUT CLEARING OFF HELEN CREEK ROAD AND JEEP

I cant visualize this INTERCUT at all, what am I looking at, the characters, the clearing, the Jeep?

I know they're teens but all the fucking this and fucking that gets old quickly.

Some of your action is really hard to follow, it needs to be written more clearly.

WTF!!!! Yeah, I can't comment on the story because it just seemed like a blood-filled trip.

I think the phobia element is very light on, if not non-existent.

All the best.

I like the title and the idea of Summerwind, but unfortunately that is where it stops for me.

The first few pages had me wondering whether this was done by someone experienced or a newbie, but as I read on it was apparent that this was probably a newb.

You seem to have steadied yourself at first and then run away with the story to the point of nonsensical confusion.

I started to skim over the story of summerwind as the ellipses became to much - you could cut them out altogether.

Although I said the start was ok, story wise you could cut some of that out as the actual story doesn't really start to get interesting until page 6 - you need to pull your reader in before this.

I really didn't understand anything about what happened in the closet at Summerwind - almost like there was too much story and not enough pages to fit it all in or a rush to complete it on time? I also didn't understand exactly how Trinity miraculously got over her phobia - a phobia like this is usually quite severe, hers didn't strike me as so.

Hope this helps.

There is a good story there somewhere, but in its current form it's lost.

RJ

I was with this and thought it had potential until page 4. Then when Max and Jake start telling the whole backstory I started skimming and maybe I missed something because once they entered the mansion it goes bat shit crazy and I had no idea what's going on.

There was a hint of a phobia at the beginning but this got lost, as did the story, in the madness. Not one for me, sorry.

-Mark

Feels familiar - high-schoolers, halloween, creepy place in the woods with a dark past, obligatory warning not to go there…so they go there.

Where was Officer Mike to begin with - so much for guarding Summerwind.  No donuts for you.

The set-up worked enough to pull me in but you lost me with the creepy door/closet in the basement scene.  The clarity of what was happening to whom and why from there was hard to keep track of.  I’m not sure what happened.  

It’s ambitious for a short which doesn’t leave much room to tie it all up.  I guess the evil lurking in the basement got to them; but then the plan for this so called initiation was already in place?  Was it supposed to be a prank before the evil took over?  From Max’s dialogue ‘we’ll initiate that prissy bitch’ I got the impression they were always planning to assault her.  To me it was unclear as to what actions were the characters own and what were a result of the evil lurking in the basement which doesn’t help.

Not sure what part the phobia played.  Trinity seemed more of a secondary character who, for the most part was never alone or isolated.  But she’s okay now, so it’s not all bad news.

Wow. You lost me. Was there possession going on in the house? Or were they just hopped up on laced weed? WTF happened? Who smashed Susie's face into the floor? It wouldn't have been Max since she was about to go down on him. Geez, no idea what I just read. Sorry.

And why would the deputy want to draw on 'Sheriff Fucks' kid?

Also lost me on the Summerwind backstory. I think your auto-complete for your characters put in Jake when it should've been Jackson?

Phobia - Meh, not sure if it was too intense a fear. RIP - check.

Needs a lot of work. Kudos for entering.

RIP on page 1.  Hope there's another one...

Hmmm, misquoted "The Raven" by EAP...intentional?

Dialogue is good...sounds very real.

"story" is slow...taking too long to get going, but I'm in for the long haul here.

I think most peeps know how much I detest the dreaded INTERCUT.  This one's almost a full page long, but for some reason, it seems to work here, with the different tellings of this place's history. Don't get me wrong - I don't like it, but I can live with it.

Page 6 - "fucking Summerwind" - Ha...nice!

Page 8 and little has happened, so I'm hoping there's some kind of payoff ahead.

OK, here it is...finally.

Damn, everyone goes batshit crazy on each other.  I like it, but seems to end  before it was quite ready to end.  Run out of pages or time?

All in all, well done, although pace is slow and ending is fast.  There are some rather memorable lines here, which I always like to see and writing is solid with no mistakes that I saw.

Grade - *** 1/2

On the go notes:
I thought the opening with the Mom and Girl wasn't powerful enough to deserve its place as an opening.
I loved  Baxter and Jake first exchange.
The dialogue between the teenagers is not doing it for me. Too long and it advanced the story too little.
I liked the short narration that gave us some background on Summerwind.
Right after Jake twisted his ankle, I realized that I don't care about any of the characters. And that's on you! :<
I'm a bit confused about the sequence where everyone went batshit crazy. That's on me I guess.
Oh, I like the reveal at the end. Sweet. Well done!

Overall:
I liked the concept A LOT! I can't criticize the execution because you only got one week. Probably used a lot less than that to write this. So well done on putting this together in this nick of time. Now I'm done being nice. Let me get my knife.

Characters:
You didn't make me care for the characters. Caring for the characters is extra special in horror than in any other genre. Because putting them in a dangerous situation later on will have no effect on us if you didn't make us root for them in the first place.  You also gave them no depth. You need to invest more in characters man. A story is nothing if the characters aren't rich enough.

Dialogue:
None of the dialogue sounded awkward or forced to me. You did fine there. But I wish you made the dialogue more enjoyable. But the problem with dialogues has its roots leading back to the character's problem. Interesting characters say interesting things.

Story:
The story is good and fun. However, it felt like you put most of the meat on one side of the sandwich. Meaning, you crammed the interesting parts of the story all in one sequence. There was hardly any build up. Jake twisting his ankle made me think it was a setup that will pay off later. But it didn't play any role in the last act.

Structure:
The structure is fine in form but unbalanced in content.  I can cut this into three acts. But each act didn't hold its due weight. Especially the second act. The struggle wasn't well distributed throughout the act. Everything happened in a flash. The first act should have been the one telling us about the Summerwind story. Your first act was mainly introducing characters, but hardly introducing the plot. The final act was too short. It was like a teaspoon of ice cream. It tasted sweet, but it melted away too quickly.

Style:
I like your style. Straight to the point. Descriptive and easy to read. Except for the mayhem sequence. I was a bit lost there. But that's my bad English probably getting in the way.

In conclusion,
I loved the last reveal. It made it worth the read. You are certainly not new to the game. If I'm to give you any pointers as to what to target in your next rewrite, it would be:
-- Invest in the characters.
-- Work on the pace of the struggle in the second act.
-- Improve the dialogue and make it more fun.


Best of luck.

Quoted Text EXT. DERIS HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Should be DERIS'

What is with all the ..... starting the dialogue?

Maniac Cop could go - not sure any PD would let their officers dress like that on duty and he would play better as a character that hates Halloween because of the unnecessary work it is going to create for him.

The Phobia thread is thin.

Just okay for me. The ending struck me as chaos for the sake of chaos.

I thought it was pretty good as a story, but, not as a OWC.

No phobia to speak of played any role in the story.

And what happened in the basement was so hard to follow that I read it twice and was still lost.

So, as a story, it was good.  As a OWC, it wasn't.

Oh, and I don't know how much you know of classic horror movies, but, this one has been done a bunch of times.  If you're gonna tackle such a common story trope, make it unique.

Dan

Like your title and title page.

Good logline I think.

I was enjoying the dialogue and found it very natural but I super hate backstory fed thru dialogue. I guess you had to get it in there some how. I often leave people confused because I leave out backstory sometimes... so it is hard I guess.. .maybe if you could tone it down or leave a little to mystery.

Some of your action descriptions once they are in the house leave me confused or having to reread them. Also having that many characters in there is a bit too much I think.

I do not see a phobia really. I mean her mom talks about it or hints at it in the beginning but it does not play out as much as I would've liked.

I find myself asking questions at the end. Was that whole thing in Summerwind a flashback or a memory or was it real? It got real chaotic for me in the Summerwind scenes.

Good job.

Hi,

Lots of comments and advice above.  Going in all directions.  Positive and Negative.  I have to stay out of this one.  Sorry nothing I can add is going to be helpful.

Didn't understand enough what was going on or how it related to fear of being egotistical or being alone.

I came out a little unsettled, so that's good I guess.

All the best,

JJ

Hey writer,

Okay, not for me I'm afraid.

It's very hard to keep tabs on what is actually happening, and I think the descriptions need to be really worked on as I just couldn't get a clear visual as to what was going on. The writing in the first half, just take a couple of reads yourself and there's some repetitions in there that make it scan funny.

The plot was pretty brutal, not to my taste at all, and I couldn't really find the phobia in significant parts to allow me to believe that it's a central theme.

I think you're probably a writer who knows their stuff, but possibly this was a rush job. Maybe tighten it up and give it another go for the horror fans on the site.

Cam

Hey, writer.

Another Halloween entry! Good.

You started out strong.

But then you started introducing characters.  Lots of characters. Do you really need that many?
Jake is sheriffs son - do you really need that bit. Yeah, you'll tell me you do and explain why, but I don't think so.
The phobia is there, looks like it plays part in the script as she's scared to be alone. But I don't understand what it is exactly and how it affects anything that happens to her.
The thing/things that happen to them... I must be honest you got me skimming there.
It's everything everywhere.
Then it ends strong.
So good start, good finish. And a lot going in the middle - it could use quite a bit of trimming.

Thanks for entering.

I enjoyed this one. Good build up in the start and I liked the whole backstory about the Summer Wind mansion, makes the place seem a bit creepier after they get inside ... and knowing all that happened in the basement.

It's only when they are at the mansion that some problems happen. I'm not really sure what was going on in there,
I'm assuming they are being possessed? Goes from a simply trespassing to a blood bath fairly quickly.

Why did Hayes all of a sudden start booking it into the room?

This is a good, gory story. Glad you chose to have some survivors rather than just kill everyone off in the house.


Good work.

Yo uh, really did a number there at the end.

I enjoyed everything except for the hyperbolic teenager talk and the unfocused ending.

Teens don’t have to talk like a stereotype, even if they are a stereotypical stoner teen. They missed the nuance of individual personalit to such a degree that all the asshole stoners might as well have been one character.

This isn’t much of a bid deal, but cannabis seemed like a poor choice of drug for kids this violent. Alcohol would be a much better lubricant for their kind of behavior. I appreciate the shout out to marijuana, but it isn’t the right story for it, not a big deal.

What happened at the end? Too many people doing too much for no reason. Things went too far too quick.

That all said, I was really enthralled in this. I was enjoying every moment, even the parts I got confused. Tighten up the end and the dialogue and this is a really great and scary piece. I love the realism that hid behind the guise of a ghost story feeling, but at the end there was actually some supernatural mojo going around. Nice.

Love the Maniac Cop reference!

A nice little horror story that goes from zero to one hundred at the end. It kind of happens so fast that it is very easy for the reader to lose track of what is happening. However, it could really work once it's filmed, it adds to the chaos. It almost seems like a feature film compacted into a short one. It would be cool if you expanded it and gave it a little more time to breathe.

Great job.

Wisconsin... makes me think Jeff might be the writer here. Until I opened the script and saw the title in bold letters!!!  Jeff would never do that!  ;D

I thought this one started out well, but as they moved along into the house, not only did I have a hard time keeping track of the characters, but all the rooms and doors too. To be honest, I had no idea what was going on in the last 1/3 of this script.

I didn't understand what was going on with the extra wide smiles and the floating across the floor. Was that just Trinity's imagination? I don't know.

The only suggestions I would have here is to make it a little easier to follow as a reader. Maybe fewer rooms and maybe have characters' names be a little more different from each other. No problem with Susie and Trinity, but Ryker, Jake, Mike...

Well written, just a bit hard to follow.  :)

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Even read one writer believing this had been written by a newbie. I can see why. It really is that bad.

You should be ashamed of yourself writing shite like this when you have the nerve to belittle the efforts of others. I can see why you prefer not to enter these things anymore... you really should have stuck with that this time around. You've done yourself no favours posting this crap to the boards.

Later, newbie.

I should've knows with the Wisconsin thing that this was yours Jeff! I will admit ...the title thing though would've kept me from believing that!

Good job. :)

Quoted from DustinBowcot Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Even read one writer believing this had been written by a newbie. I can see why. It really is that bad. You should be ashamed of yourself writing shite like this when you have the nerve to belittle the efforts of others. I can see why you prefer not to enter these things anymore... you really should have stuck with that this time around. You've done yourself no favours posting this crap to the boards. Later, newbie.

Dustin, before I thank everyone else, I want to thank you, as your feedback is so helpful (and funny that you dug up that comment about this having to come from a newbie).

I always appreciate how you follow my posts and writings so closely.  It makes me feel so good to know you care so much...almost like a really ugly dog that you can't stand that keeps following along, pitifully.

But, I'm unsure if you actually read my script, because you didn't say a single word about the actual script or the writing contained in the script.  Maybe you could spend 4 or 5 hours and dissect it, and include pictures like you did once.  That would really be great, Dusty, as your opinion and feedback is so very important to me.

I can't justify the kind of time it will take to dissect your script. 4 or 5 hours is being very generous... try quadrupling it. There's at least $500 of editorial work there.

So, no long review, but here's a pic that pretty much sums up how I feel about this story:

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can't justify the kind of time it will take to dissect your script. 4 or 5 hours is being very generous... try quadrupling it. There's at least $500 of editorial work there. So, no long review, but here's a pic that pretty much sums up how I feel about this story:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Classic.  Thank you for your insight.  As always, it is most helpful and appreciated.

Sorry Jeff, didn't mean to label you as a newbie. If you were trashed when you wrote this, as you had previously suggested, then this would explain the confusion.

Quoted from RJ Sorry Jeff, didn't mean to label you as a newbie. If you were trashed when you wrote this, as you had previously suggested, then this would explain the confusion.

I will comment on the writing and intent, as I always do, as soon as I can.

BUT...

I will say now and again later, that I do not understand why anyone or everyone was confused with what happened in the last few pages, nor do I see how anyone could confuse this script with that of a "newbie".  As far as I can see, there are no real mistakes that are common in a "newbie" script.

I actually look forward to Dustin, the editor, showing me the error of my ways.

Not my best, but I will stand  by this as a good script and one that meets the  parameters and  really tried.  Sorry for those that disliked or hated this entry.

Righto then.

Quoted from Dreamscale I will say now and again later, that I do not understand why anyone or everyone was confused with what happened in the last few pages, nor do I see how anyone could confuse this script with that of a "newbie".

I don't think it is correct that you write like a newbie, I think it's that you write like a juvenile and the two things are being confused. To me, it seems like the rest of you has aged, but your writer's voice has stayed forever 12.

One thing to note when arguing over a script or resorting to personal attacks. It makes the script appear to be one of the most popular in the OWC as it has more, fresher comments and therefore gets more views.  Indeed this has had 540+ views by now and keeps on appearing at the top of the list. It's a win-win for the writer! Food for thought.

Jeff, I do stand by my review. This one started out quite intriguing but it really gets confusing later on and goes quite nuts. I'm sure a polish can smooth it over but if you think it is OK as is, that is of course your prerogative as the writer.