Home Sweet Home by Jacq - Adult, Short, Horror - A desperate text message sends a young woman home with her boyfriend but it too bad she can't step foot inside. - pdf, format

Nostophobia - repugnance or dislike of the past

Logline is downright terrible, so I have a feeling this is going to be a short read, sorry to say.

No FADE IN, no opening Slug.  Not good.

OK...sorry, but I'm hoping English is a 2nd or 3rd language, because this is so awkward, I can barely decipher what you're intending.

Using a Slug of "HOUSE PARTY" is so incorrect.

I'm sorry,l but this is a very quick exit.

NO GRADE

Hi,

I'd say at the very least you need to give us OVER BLACK: to start with.

Quoted Text On a curb sits FANE who looks like she should be having the time of her life. The downcast look on her face tell a different story.

An age and description of FANE would be great. The current description is completely unfilmable, how could we possibly know that she looks like she should be having the time of her life?

Again, an age and description of KNOX would be handy.

Quoted Text Around them the world doesn’t know its ending for someone.

How would we know this, again unfilmable. Scripts need to be visual. You can't film thoughts or feelings.

Quoted Text Silence turns into a mantra.

WTF?

Sorry but I think you are trying to be way too poetic for your current skill level. Maybe learn the fundamentals of screenwriting before you start to develop a style.

Quoted Text SAGE (O.S.) Hello to you too. Calm down, I was just out the house last week everything was fine. Bobby texted you? Did you party a little too hard last night?

This isn't (O.S.) it's (V.O.), off-screen means the person is in the scene but not currently in the shot. Use voice-overs for phone conversations.

unfilmable after unfilmable.

Some massive chunks of dialogue make it hard to get through.

99% of your story is told in expositional dialogue which would be very boring to watch.

I truly have no idea what this is about.

Seems like she has a fear of the house, not the past.

Not for me, sorry.

All the best.

The story seems to be quite drawn out. It does everything it can to keep her getting back to the house.

A professional, dealing with the same topic, would begin with her returning from somewhere else, out of town to confront the past. It would be the past that she's scared of...all the terrible memories of what's happened in that place...then when she's inside, where the bulk of the story takes place, we'd realise it's actually the house itself that's the problem. It's not a psychological problem, but a physical one.

The premise is a pretty good one, I think you've just gone off track a little bit.

Every character needs an intro - they have to have it, otherwise we are left not knowing who this person is. When we get a gist of the character then we connect on some level with them and can understand their actions and dialogue easier, ie: FANE, 20's, sombre, eyes red and teary....etc, etc.

Fane no longer in party garb - being a completely new slug for the next day - I would assume so without it being stated.

The bottom of page one and two would suggest that you know how to write, but yet so many things wrong in the first half of page one?? I'm stumped.

Fane throws herself at Knox, he catches her. - that made me chuckle - I know what you meant, but in my mind I saw differently.

Fane sits shotgun with Knox - Are they moving or sitting still? Knox is in the driver seat, but I don't get a sense that they're moving.

EXT. GAS STATION - Night or day? How long have they been driving?

EXT. PARK - Again, no sense of time.

For somebody that was so set on not going to the house, Fane changes her mind - to face her fears of all things, way too quickly with no real reason to go off. If anything you'd think she would try to get Knox to go check on Sage while she waited with the dog.

As I'm reading I remember something that niggled me from the start - why is she going there again? We still don't have a proper reason - there is one end of the scale which is exposition and then there is the other which is giving the reader no idea and making it hard to figure out. By page 10 we figure it's about the death of a parent, but has she been forced back to get stuff - If I had a phobia of doing something like that I'd say no thanks, the past is the past, I'll leave it there.

pg 11: As the story unravels it is staring to tie in, I'll give you that.

Her silhouette disappears into the abyss. - What? Who's silhouette? Sages? You said an Airy Voice calls out - no silhouette appearing?

There is a good story in there somewhere, but it's not shining through. You know how to write dialogue, not perfect, but it works for what it is. Your action/descriptions need a lot of work though - as it stands they are all over the place.

Hope this helps.

RJ

I really like the way Fane was tricked to go to the house. It really works well and turns the story from being about someone with psychological issues into something much more chilling.

However, the story is unfocused. So much happens and is said that really doesn't advance the story. The bits that are about Fane specifically; her listening to the self help tape, her gaining the courage to overcome her fear and her entering the house is where the story shines. The rest of the stuff could be condensed or eliminated entirely. Knox and co don't interest me at all and I wish the story had just been about Fane.

But there is a great little horror fake out in there that can easily be salvaged with a couple re-writes.

Hey writer,

I could just join in with the kicking that's already going on, but I shalln't just repeat what everyone else has said.

Typos, formatting etc, needs work. My biggest concern was the overwriting issue too, lots of dialogue, and description crammed in here that could easily be cut out to make for a smoother read.

Don't be disheartened, get back on that screenwriting horse, ask questions and submit work around here and hone your craft. You've written a truck load of text, so you can clearly write, just learn how to present it.

Anyway, not for me but we'll done on entering.

Cam

The writing has a poetic vibe to it which is quite touching but it is out of place in a screenplay. I'd suggest focusing on getting the script as lean as possible and then adding little poetic touches here and there to give the story your own voice and style. With practice, you'll learn were you can break the so-called rules and where you can't.

As for the story, it's currently played out way too long. The whole conversation in the car for example, this can be cut and you would lose nothing. As it is, we spend 8 pages of Fane saying she's not going in that house and then she goes in the house.

As tense and creepy as this then (finally) becomes, I have no idea who's waiting for her in the house or why.

I hope my notes help.

-Mark

Pretty much same issues at the other peeps so I won't repeat.  There are standard formatting issues throughout starting with the opening (you have to text over something).

In terms of the over describing I'll use one example as illustrative of the issue. Hope it helps with other areas since it really applies everywhere.

Quoted Text On a curb sits FANE who looks like she should be having the time of her life. The downcast look on her face tell a different story.

So, I know you're trying to be poetic/descriptive - but your words twist you into a contradiction. She can't look like she should be having the time of her life and at the same time be downcast.

And - she's at a party not a funeral so we already know what her mood should be. The above should simply be something like:

FANE (age/description) sits on a curb, distraught .

Or something like that. The point being - in many of your descriptions you provide unnecessary details and don't include the vital ones.

The story - had a hard time with it. Kept saying to myself - what is the big deal - they're a billion houses - just don't go in that one. Maybe not fair since it turns out the phobia dealt with the past rather than the house per se - but for me, it made her fear tedious.

Kudos for getting an entry in - all the best

Phobia? It seems more of a desire not to go back home than a phobia. I know a lot of people that have an aversion to going home. RIP - Check.

I had a difficult time getting into this one and started skimming (sorry). It seemed way overwritten and could have been trimmed back immensely.

Maybe it's because I skimmed, but I didn't understand the ending at all.

Kudos for entering and see what a rev or two does on the dialog.

I  can't add more than everyone else has.  

Good job on entering.

Dan

Hi,
Lots of good advice offered above.   I suggest reviewing it.
A worthy idea for any film requires proper structure when you "put it down on paper".

From me, a mediocre, novice writer:

What you write is what the audience should see.
So. . .Pg7 the house loses its family friendly disposition
         Pg8 It stinks of organized normality
         Pg 11Her body a museum of overactive stirs.
These kind of descriptions don't work.  Can't be filmed and you'll get accused of "overwriting".

AND pg 11.  Never, never ask the audience a question,  "Will she stay there or go inside"?

There's a ton of creativity apparent you just need to reign it in with some necessary structure.  There's also a ton of screenwriting resources  FREE on-line.  Go for it!

All the best.

JJ

Love your title and like your phobia.

Your logline and concept seem intriguing and with irony. Good job.

I love the way your opening text message is a call to action. Love this type thing in writing. Good job.

I followed this along and there was quite some mystery but I got sort of lost after the backstory about the mom and dad and then I'm not sure really what happened to either Sage or Zane at the end? Will wait for the writer to weigh in on it.

Good writing overall though. Good job.

I really liked the story here and the sources of good and evil - it's the house against Fane. Would have been nice to see her win and she saved Sage though - she fought her fear after all.

The fear fits the challenge very well. And the RIP is there.

So, work on the rest, I suggest. Like dialog - it's a lot of it and not all is necessary. I couldn't understand who Taylor was, why Sage had to pick him up.. You go in rounds explaining and explaining the situation through dialog.

Your language is poetic and I would stay away from that or google every poetic expression I want to use. But I'm non-native, so I'm scared to do that.

Thanks for entering and good luck.

I'm mixed on this one ...

I like the story, especially showing/telling us what happened in the house to make Fane so scared of it. Not to sure I get the ending though, what happened to Sage?  We hear a voice, but no explanation as to what or who that may be.

The writing was good, but too long. Your descriptions of things in the story paint a good picture for me but they really have no importance to the story, why spend so much effort just to drag the pace down?

Good work

On the go notes:
"Around them the world doesn’t know its ending for
someone."
I don't mind unfilmable in scripts, but don't take it too far. Remember to show, not to tell.

Wait a second, I just realized why I can't imagine those characters. I think you never mentioned their age. Moving on,

"Silence turns into a mantra."
Love this sentence even though I don't think I fully understand it.

"The sky reeks of grey clouds choking out the sun."
Nice visual.

Ok, as I got to page 5, I'm kinda liking the mystery, but also starting to feel you are going a little stingy on us with clues. There is a limit on how much you can hold back before the reader starts to lose interest. Be careful.

"Wherewithal"
Yay! I learned a new word! Thaks.

Fane rant about the house on page 6 was too heavy on exposition.

Okay okay okay. I loved using  the train and the train track to translate Fane's feelings. You are good, you son of a gun.

Oh, Carter is a dog. I thought he was a kid for some reason. I'm not payign enough attention.

"I don't want alone?" Did you miss a word or am I missing something?

I love your terrifying build-up at the house! Brilliant!

"Her body a museum of overactive stirs."
Beautiful!

Hmm, that's it?

The end? Oh come on man. Why would you do this to me? :'(

Overall:
I loved the build-up and the mystery but the ending was a bit disappointing. It had a couple of cliches like Taylor and Knox talking about Bob message and such. I think you have a solid story here but it was cut short before it reached its true potentials.

Writing style:
I loved it. You are good with visuals.

Dialogue:
It delivers the meaning but I wished it was more entertaining than this.

Character:
Fane was the only one that kind of had a satisfying depth. But barely. I wished you had taken the time to show us other parts of her personality. I found it difficult to care for her.

Story:
It got potentials but only if you invest in a more satisfying ending.

Structure:
I felt like the whole third act was missing. The first two dragged on for too long. I started to lose interest in the mystery.

I think you have some solid writing skills and a good story that will take some efforts to make it stand out from similar tales. And you definitely need to give us better closure.