Hi Aaron,
I'm not a creature/feature fan but was in the mood for a "small Irish town" rumble. My comments/questions apply mainly to your story, not your writing style. You know the screenwriting "rules" and regulations. So, IMO, a well written story. Your writing style was a pleasure to follow along with. Very visible; perhaps with a Dean Koontz flair? Truly suspenseful; a lucid, run and hide thriller.
Your dialogue was particularly true-to-character and true-to-story throughout. With multiple characters in stressful, changing environments that's not an easy endeavor. Bravo.
Now, to the STORY.
So, Finn fills the bill for Kian. Both large, same age friends. What was Finn's motivation? (not exactly a Catniss for Primrose swap). Perhaps, a promise from Kian to Finn that he'd change from his profligate ways? Strong enough motive?
It's now Kian's turn to be sacrificed. The Wooden Box from (bad guy) Mayor Brady with small papers, all with Kian's name? Was there a drawing? If so, why not show it? What's the mayor's beef with Kian? Why did he unfairly load the box?
Why the bleach? Do all creature/feature writers know this? Like garlic or a cross to a vampire?
pg 60. "If one of us doesn't sacrifice our self tonight, all of this will spread to the rest of the world" . Wow!! Now we know the scoop.
Lots of different looking creatures?
1) person #1 sharp teeth, gaping mouth, screaming, long tongue.
2) tall, skinny creature, sharp teeth, perpetual grin, hunching, crawling.
3)Hairy, mangled woman like creature; no eyes, rotting teeth.
4) Childlike mouthless creatures, skinny, bone colored limbs.
5) Dark, dog like, sized creature.
6) Mist monster
7)Legless creature with sharp claws, a ceiling hanger.
8) Tall four-armed, long fingered monster.
9) Flying, glowing eyed, muscle bound creature.
10) Toddler sized creature with razor sharp teeth,black eyes
Very, creative, imaginative and colorful. Maybe too many? Maybe expensive? Visually conveyed. NICE! Okay they're all former BRIMSTONER'S. What kind of Energy drink are you hitting on?
CONTRIVANCES: (JUST MY OPINION)
So all the creatures were former sacrificed Brimstoner's? Where's the logic? What the heck's wrong with Brimstone.
Emily sacrifices herself because she cheated on Alan or because she left Kian for sacrificing? ( Guilt? she owes it to the family?)
Maybe a different ending.
Jessica's pregnancy saves her? Anna's innocence? Exacto knife in the eye and it's Finn?
Ronnie is diabetic. Necessary?
Alan goes from wimp to savior.
Emily's goes from bitch to loving wife and mother.
Kian's a drunk because of an abusive father.
Where are all the townspeople on this day each year after the festival?
Felt you created a lot of loose ends so you could tie them all together in the last 10pgs. You could say, "So what?".
All in all, a creative, suspenseful enjoyable yarn.
Good luck with it.
JJ