Dissociation by Dena McKinnon - Thriller - The mother of a young child, trying to hide her drug addiction from her husband, worries about what he has buried in the back yard. 83 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dena

I read this yesterday but didn't have time to post.  Just a question; are you planning on filming this yourself?

I hit the brakes at page 25, then re-read it.  Good scene when Tank freaks when Andy wants to check out the backyard.

I'll preface by saying --

Off to a good start   This is a fast read... the pacing is good, and it's well written.  And it's clear you have command of your story, which so many writers lack...  I do NOT see any nits to pick.

However... the only real hiccup for me. . . wait for it . . .your logline -- "Lucy's trying to hide her drug addiction from her Tank."

Look, I've never done drugs in my life, but I know how it's done.  And it would seem to me that if Tank -- suspects Lucy's still doing, unless he's walking around with blinders on -- there are warning signs.  I figured he'd be able to pick them up, or at least check her arms or veins...

Or do I have it wrong.  Please educate me...

We know Lucy's still doing.   Not sure about Tank.  I would assume not.   If that's true, then good... a scenario like this is ripe for conflict.  If you know what I mean.

Your opening... over BLACK

I understand the effect you want to achieve, but personally I think it could have been stronger... nothing wrong with what you did.   Keep it.  But let's play around with it...

Over BLACK...

Whispers of urgent movement.  Glass SHATTERS.   VOICES.   Even SCREAMS.

A door SLAMS.  A YELP... or whatever.

Just some notes, it's late...

I'll finish reading as time allows.  I don't see anyone tossing this aside after the first five.  And isn't that the goal.  To keep the reader reading.

_ghostwriter

Hi D,
I'm betting 10 to 1 that I read you in the OWC.  Slight chance I'm wrong but I'm figuring somewhere in the Bayou Swamp?  Your "signature" style is wonderfully fast paced.  Great for the reader.  Enjoyed this one and my annoying feedback is 100% subjective.

Page 8,10,11 - and a few other places:
We rise up (drone). . .
As we scan down. . .
We scan the room. . .
. . . types something back.  (we cannot see)
I say leave these camera decisions to the director.

Oh, page 36, shov should be shovel and page 66, knew should be new.

Maybe a bit overwritten here and there, ie. :
page 30
Sarah sits quietly in the back seat.  Lucy sits in the driver's
seat.  The car is parked.
(then you add)
Whether it's her anxiety over crowds or her not wanting help,
Lucy sits in the car.
Don't think ya needed this twice.  

Your scene imagery was great.  Particularly, the meth injection routine; search, prep, inject, reaction, effect etc.  Convincingly and horribly, pitiable and scary. Nicely done.  Pretty much, all you're writing is extremely colorful.

Also thought your character relationships were solid.  Lucy and Tank, Lucy and Mary Catherine. The conflict you created between  Lucy and Tank was noteworthy and drove the story start to finish.

By page 50 I knew what the story was with Sarah.  If Lucy is the only character that sees or imagines, Sarah you have to be clever writing around that; you were. (if you're trying to keep the audience in the dark).  
Page 35:  At the PLAYGROUND, two mothers are staring at Lucy and whispering.  They gawk at Sarah.  I think they should be gawking at Lucy.  They don't see Sarah, Right?
If you film this, is Sarah there or not?  It reads like she is, which totally works.  BUT the two woman's actions should all be as if Lucy is alone;  I think, anyway.

ALL in all well done.  I do think you have two good stories here.  I think it gets a little too crazy marking the conflicts of both scenerios.  1) A drug addict wife and a frustrated ex-addict husband trying to save a marriage and preserve a family.
OR
2)  A delusional psychotic  woman who lost a baby at child birth and tries to appease a confused, frustrated husband.

Great stuff.

JJ

Wow ... Thanks Ghostie and JakeJon. And JakeJOn ...you did make me out in the owc (I think) ... I'm from the south and live near a swamp ... go figure. :)

I wrote this recently from a short that I did here... it was produced and they asked me to write it into a feature. I was to be paid but I have not been paid yet. So after a while I posted it.

I'm worried that you can (like you JakeJon) predict where this is going.

I wrote this over a weekend so it's a bit rough... like a lot probably. I got notes from Screenplay Readers (a pass on the vomit draft of course) but they didn't really give me great notes. So I figured I'd post here.. I get great notes from the peeps here... better than paid notes sometimes...

When I turned this into the producer... he said he then rewrote it himself and it was a whole different story now..but he wrote it from this one and my notes from Screenplay Readers. I am told I will get 'story by' credit though and I will get a grand for my work. We will see. But for now... this is what I got.

Anyway here is the short film ..so if you want to see where I was working from ..and what I was trying to achieve.. the twist worked really good for the short film.. was hard to try to stretch into a feature though.

DYSGENESIS from David Flint on Vimeo.

Sold!

Congrats Dena!

Dena,

Congrats, keep up the good work.

Ghostie

Dena,

Congratulations!

All the best,
Marty

Thanks guys. This was a long project as far as the short went. They found me on here... I wrote them a short script first. They did crowd funding to which many of my friends, and people from SS contributed to. They made the short film and it did really well in some festivals but they pulled it pretty quick interested in taking it further. So they asked me to write feature and I did. They are going to make changes and I will only end up with story by credit on this feature but it's ok. I literally wrote the feature in one weekend, so they bought the vomit draft. Very lucky I am because I'm a long way from writing a really good feature yet.

Quoted from Pale Yellow They are going to make changes and I will only end up with story by credit on this feature but it's ok.

Wait until you see what they write. Whether they've purchased it or not, you could still get a writing credit, depends on how much they've changed it.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Very lucky I am because I'm a long way from writing a really good feature yet.

We've got Wanna Play? nearing completion. I think together we can make that one kick ass.  ;)

Congrats. You always seem to write good, solid concepts that are feasible to make, so it's no surprise.

Quoted from Grandma Bear We've got Wanna Play? nearing completion. I think together we can make that one kick ass.  ;)

We are gonna make bank on Wanna Play! :) It's going to kick ass for sure!

Quoted from Anon Wait until you see what they write. Whether they've purchased it or not, you could still get a writing credit, depends on how much they've changed it.

In the contract I will get at least 'story by' credit and I'm fine with that. I wrote that thing so fast and it was a real vomit draft but the director is excited ..was enough for them to buy it out right and I really don't care what they change or do with it. :)

Congrats on the sale mate

I like your positive attitude to it all too... way too easy to get overly attached to things and act like a diva (I've done it myself), so great to be reminded of the importance of an open and easy going attitude.

Max