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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  Close the Door
Posted by: Don, October 29th, 2017, 4:40pm
Close the Door by Oscar Moreno - Short, Horror - A girl pays the price for her absent-mindedness and discovers a dark secret about her life. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, October 30th, 2017, 7:43pm; Reply: 1
Oscar - didn't quite understand the story here. Seems like it is the opening to one rather than a complete one.
Posted by: OscarM, October 30th, 2017, 11:45pm; Reply: 2
Hey eldave, thanks for reading! I just wanted to do something really simple about a girl not knowing she lives with a monster inside her house and then accidentally unleashing it because she wasn't paying attention. You may be right, though. There's possibly more I could do with it. Again, thanks for reading and your feedback. PLease let me know if you ever need the favor returned!
Posted by: eldave1, October 31st, 2017, 1:47pm; Reply: 3
No problem - glad it helped
Posted by: JakeJon, November 1st, 2017, 9:19am; Reply: 4
O,
Your writing is vivid.  If you're familiar with the word "denouement", great.  I had to look it up.  Kind of lacking with respect to that.

Stretch it!  Needs more.

Regards

jj
Posted by: OscarM, November 1st, 2017, 10:58am; Reply: 5
Thanks for reading me and for providing feedback again, JJ! I'm thinking up how to make it work better. Again, please let me know if you ever me to return the favor.
Posted by: Fausto, November 1st, 2017, 2:08pm; Reply: 6
Oscar, good story but in my view, too short. Readers/viewers cannot imagine everything you have in your creative mind. Do some work on it and you'll have a good script with many possibilities.
All my best,
Fausto
Posted by: OscarM, November 1st, 2017, 3:55pm; Reply: 7
Thanks for reading and for your comments, Fausto! Again, you're all giving me a lot to think about!
Posted by: Marty, November 4th, 2017, 9:35am; Reply: 8
Oscar,

I agree with Dave, JJ and Fausto.

This is a good start.

Formatting, nothing really wrong or incorrect.

Your premise and idea is pretty straight forward, which is good.

I think the consensus is, it's just a tad bit on the short side even for a short.

Give us just a little bit more in regards to the story.

Best of luck to you with all your current and future projects.
Posted by: OscarM, November 4th, 2017, 8:29pm; Reply: 9
Hey Marty, thanks for your feedback! I've come up with a very brief scene for the beginning that I think sets up the whole short better and that helps in the pay-off and the overall short:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/zoly9nepd7wnwe3/CLOSETHEDOOR%20NOV%202017%201.pdf?dl=0
Posted by: Marty, November 5th, 2017, 8:55am; Reply: 10
Oscar,

First off, good job taking feedback and criticism and working on a fix. It's all apart of the game.

I see what you are are trying to do there with the back and forth text messaging and the sending of photos. I think it adds a little bit more to the story that it was lacking.

Overall, I think what's missing for me, and maybe me only, is the lack of feeling I have for your main character (Leanne). I feel bad for her on the surface but nothing deeper. But maybe with being such a short, short. That is expected.

All the best,
Marty
Posted by: OscarM, November 5th, 2017, 1:27pm; Reply: 11
Thanks again, Marty!
Posted by: Marty, November 5th, 2017, 3:18pm; Reply: 12
Oscar,

Always willing to help out. I hope you find it helpful.

All the best,
Marty
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