I'm Not Crying, You're Crying by Nic - Short, Comedy, Drama - A short comedy-drama that follows three college friends on the drive to the funeral of a former classmate. Over the course of the road trip, each friend attempts to make himself cry, assuming tears are the only way to mourn the loss of a life. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

An amusing little story that walks the thin line between comedy and dramedy.
I like little stories like this that is about going to the event, not the event itself, also had a nice road movie feel to it. Some good anecdotes. I see it without a soundtrack personally.
The three leads all have their moments to shine, Roy is the most interesting character, but extrovert assholes usually are. I like his perpetual suicide idea. I love that Goldie pissing relief turned to grief, that was quite skilful I thought.
Towards the end it loses its simplicity when you introduce (mother, father, older brother (should be CAPS when introducing these characters and the black car. I would have found a way to tell  the story without having these extra actors.
Why do you bracket certain dialogue? Pg.4 (that he die), (it’s a dark day).

Nic

GOLDIE (V.O.)
Remember when he threw up at David's
party and covered it up with a rug?

- I’m liking this Roy dude already! ;)

MATT
(times in a
row.)

- Remove the brackets. I’m assuming it’s to indicate the next character will be speaking over this dialogue but I’ve never seen it formatted like this before. Perhaps use overlapping dialogue instead, side by side on the page. That’s more common, makes more sense and saves space.

Remove the CUT TO: between scenes. They are redundant if you already have sluglines (scene headings). I tend to only use CUT TO: within a scene. Saves space too.

Ha, this Roy character is annoying but amusing, well drawn so far.

ROY
(pause)
(obviously making this up
as he goes along)

- Its good practice to keep wrylies to no more than two lines, one preferably. Something this long would serve better as prose I reckon.

Five pages in though and I’m liking this, strong dialogue and characterisation. Roy in particular.

Unwieldy wryly aside, Roy’s suicide plan is hilarious and kinda genius. Top writing. Even though he’s being portrayed as the douche, which he is, Matt and especially Goldie are coming off as real drags. Yes, their supposed friend (hard to really know at this point) has died but c’mon, that sh?t was funny!

“The door slams open as Goldie runs to the nearest empty urinal.”

- Nitpicky yes but can a door slam open?

“Matt scrunches his face up and tries to push out a tear.
He's trying to force himself to cry.

He closes his eyes and waits for the emotions to wash over
him.”

- Ha, got a laugh out of this. Although, I wonder should Matt so readily admit that he’s trying to cry? He knows full well how Roy will react i.e. show no sympathy and mock him. Instead, I would have Roy deduce this himself by watching Matt in the sun visor (along with Matt’s prior admission) before going into his speech as you’ve written it. A small change but, in my opinion, more believable and funny. Matt’s denial would add to the comedy also.

See about using ellipses (...) occasionally instead of (pause) to mix it up a bit. They will equally convey the delivery of dialogue as you want it, staggered like that, while conserving that all important space.

ROY
I like to make my presence known.

- This guy just fires out one zinger after another!

GOLDIE
'cause I'm not exactly sure what a
prick is,

- Huh, really?

ROY
Yeah, I am.
(pause)
Thank you, Goldie.

GOLDIE
(pause)
You're welcome, Roy.

- Nice call back to their earlier repeated exchanges.

Sweet ending, Roy’s quip offset the encroaching sentimentality rather well and prevented it from tipping over. Either way, it feels earned.

As you’ll have gathered from the few notes I took as I read, I dug this, made me chuckle a few times. I really appreciated how much you pushed the obnoxiousness of Roy and made him (bar the ending but that’s ok) an unapologetic cu?t.

On the other hand, I’d be remiss to not say that it did start to become a little repetitive and one note coming into the final third of the script. I’m not saying ease up or dilute the Roy character, he’s the script’s biggest strength, but his putdowns and snide remarks started to wear a little. Not for their nastiness but their similarity.

You need some variety in there as it feels as though Goldie or Matt open themselves up for his abuse every time (needing a  piss, trying to cry, bad parking) to which he duly capitalises.

Perhaps you could have a few occasions (or at least one) where Roy makes a slip up and Goldie/Matt try to take advantage of it only for Roy to save face, outsmart them and regain the upper hand in the mocking stakes. I think it would increase the conflict between the characters, add colour to their back and forths, enrich the Matt and Goldie characters and make Roy’s breakdown at the end all the more powerful.

Also, given the trajectory of the story, plus the script’s title, the ending, although working for the most part as I said, does feel predictable. Don’t get me wrong, it’s well written and is set up effectively by Roy being triggered when seeing Jason’s grieving family, it’s just I knew this was how things were going to endultimately. I can only speak for myself but I’d bet most others will see the conclusion coming as well long before you want us to.

Anyway, all that said, overall, this was well done. It clearly shows you have some writing chops with a particularly flair for dialogue and characterisation. Good job.

Col.

Hi,

Overall I enjoyed the read very much, especially some bits - Roy's suicide for instance - very funny.

The story - it's a bit shallow on the story I think. I think I'd appear dumbfounded at the end if I watched it. You don't pose a question in front of us. No question - no answer.
Roy got a bit of like big and smart at the end - for instance when he talks about forcing a cry. That's not fitting his character I think.
As a read it was enjoyable. I'd be interested to read your future works.