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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Drama Scripts  /  Gus - Visual Screenplay
Posted by: Don, November 6th, 2017, 2:20pm
Gus by Dan Walker - Short, Drama - An old homeless man has a night to remember. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


++++

Posted by: Marty, November 7th, 2017, 11:54am; Reply: 1
Dan,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

First off, I enjoyed the story. I liked where you went with it. It got dark. I like dark.

I liked the flow and the pace of it. The action was nice. The dialogue had some real nice moments and some that if reworked could make the story even better.

Not too much to nit pick at here for me.

Some of my observations and suggestions:

Action:
Page 1.
Example:
He does his fly up.
-I'd suggest,
He (zips or pulls) his fly up.

Dialogue:
-Like I said prior. Some nice dialogue.
Example:
Page 1.
KENNY
Put it away, Gus. I donít wanna get wet.
-And some lackluster,
GUS
Well, Zed. This is my real estate.  
Move on.
ZED
Iíve got nowhere to go. Just give
me ten minutes. Thatís all I ask
for. Just cut me some slack.
Please.
-I'd suggest,
GUS
Well, Zed. This is my real estate.  
So if you don't mind. Move it along.
ZED
Just give me ten minutes. Please. I got no where else to go.

Story/Scenario:
-The only issue or hiccup I had with the story was when Gus told Zed to take him as a hostage.
I guess Gus has nothing else to lose so he wouldn't mind possibly giving up his life in order to save another man, however, I was just sitting there reading the scene and going, why in the heck would this man offer up his life for someone he just met?
That is just my opinion so if you are married to it, don't change it. I don't think it was a deal breaker. Not for me at least.

Again, these are just my opinions and suggestions.

Good job. I liked it.

All the best,
Marty
Posted by: Gerlinde, November 7th, 2017, 8:03pm; Reply: 2
I love your story too. Three men, homeless, without hope, meet each other. One of them a fugitive criminal who has committed a manslaughter, and therefore feels guilty and wants to die. When the police officer wants to arrest him, he reaches for the fake pistol, is shot by the cops. And all because he did not want to listen to the old man, Gus. Very realistically described, good dialogues, even if I do not understand everything. I wish I could write as well as you! Then nobody would laugh at me here!
Posted by: DanielW, November 9th, 2017, 8:40am; Reply: 3
Thanks Marty & Gerlinde.

I'm 50/50 with the "hostage" question. I guess Gus has fallen into self preservation, so he tries to buy some time. As I said, 50/50.  
Posted by: Marty, November 9th, 2017, 11:17am; Reply: 4
DanielW,

You're welcome.

I hope it helps.

You wrote a nice script. Keep writing.

Best of luck to you on your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
Posted by: RichardR, November 9th, 2017, 1:28pm; Reply: 5
Some notes.

This is a nice little tale with a good twist at the end, although the ending seems unsatisfying.  If you cut to the daughter dropping a coin and Gus calling her by name, well, you close the loop for both men.  And then, there's the way the police suddenly show up.  yeah, they're looking for him, but it's a big city, and he's under a blanket.  Some connection?

In any case, it's a fine piece of work.

Best
Richard
Posted by: DanielW, November 10th, 2017, 9:41pm; Reply: 6
Thanks RR.
Posted by: JordanB, March 7th, 2018, 9:28pm; Reply: 7
Hi Dan,
Nice read. Just a quick note, on page 8 you wrote "tslking" instead of "talking".
Pacing was good. Dialogue smooth. Good to see a fellow Aussie on here.
Posted by: DanielW, March 8th, 2018, 7:32am; Reply: 8
G'Day Jords,

Thanks for the feedback.
Posted by: Don, November 20th, 2018, 7:25pm; Reply: 9
From Dan

"I've completed a 'Visual Screenplay' of 'Gus' with some help from 'Upwork'. I like to think a 'Visual Screenplay' is a sum of work that slots in between a screenplay and a film. It's an idea I think some of the 'Simply Scripts' community might be interested in. It cost me around US$550. The visual angle might add more weight and convince a producer to take it to a higher level."


Posted by: Warren, November 20th, 2018, 8:17pm; Reply: 10
Very cool, thanks for sharing.
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