Hey, Dan: read a few pages. Not bad at all but you could be more efficient with your descriptions by (1) eliminating info that you already have in your scene headings and (2) getting rid of all the "it is" and opening "the". I saw this issue throughout. Examples:
Quoted Text EXT. RED'S BAR - BOSTON - NIGHT
It is a rain-filled night.
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Don't need night (it's in your heading) or the it is. Just:
Raining
or better yet something more descriptive
Pouring rain or unrelenting rain
Quoted Text INT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
The place is about half-full. Around thirty people are seated
near the small stage listening while others sit at the bar
talking.
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You don't need "the place" - we already know we're in a bar. Just open with:
About half full.
Quoted Text EXT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
It is still raining.
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Lose the it's. Just:
Still raining.
Quoted Text Frankie is stopped dead in his tracks. He winces before
slowly turning to face RAY CANNAVARO (55), a white male with
receding hair and a face of a thousand stories.
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Again - no need for the is.
Frankie stops dead in his tracks, winces before slowly...
Quoted Text INT. DILAPIDATED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
The warehouse is sparse apart from some old broken machinery.
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We already know it is a warehouse. Just write.
Sparse, apart from.....
Quoted Text A badly beaten man is sitting tied to a chair. He is wearing
a ruffled designer suit. It is CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's) and
sun kissed. Carl sports a BLOODIED right eye and chin. |
The is's and the ing words are really slowly the read. Make it active rather than passive.
e.g.,
CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's), ruffled designer suit, sits tied to a chair. His eye and chin bloodied.
Anyway - I know the above may seem nitty, but they are small changes that can really pick up the pace of the read.
Hope this helps